e=mc2, but doesnt e also=E! ???

if youd ask my dad or my friend peter, (aka my favorite medical guru), or my husband or some other smart person what "e" equals, theyll probably tell you that it equals the above equation or some other form of it. if you ask me what "e" equals....ill tell you its channel 56 on my cable box. the E! entertainment channel...the news source for everything entertainment!

i was an art major in college. why? i dunno. it was the only thing i knew how to do. i sucked at math and science in high school. it never made sense to me. to this day, i have no idea why it matters if train "a" or "b" gets to point '"c" faster, if you take route "d". seriously...cant you just ask the amtrak people? so many more important things to learn about...but, whatever. so...my brain never really grasped these concepts, regardless of the thousands of dollars my parents shelled out on tutors. i did however excel in geometry. i loved my compass and protractor, and made really beautiful pies and graphs and angles. seriously. i did! when i got to college, everybody, regardless of their major, had to take the basics, like economics and history and criminal justice. needless to say, i sucked at economics. really sucked. didnt get it one bit. all i knew about economics, was that if you had money....then go spend it. or save it for a rainy day....and then do a rain dance and pray for rain. when it rained? go to the mall! i was thrilled, and i mean thrilled to get a "d" in economics. it meant i passed! it was celebration time....go out and shop!

so when my dad basically grovelled and begged for me to change my art major to a business major....i was in a dilemma. to get in to the business school, you needed math classes. ive always wanted to make my parents happy. i understood the benefits of having a business degree. but it was total foreign territory for me. but i tried. i did! i dont think my parents ever believed me; but i did. i got my funky, doc marten, striped knee socks, pouf skirt, kooky-assed outfitted self, over to the very grey and khaki infested business side of campus, and i signed up for math class. but first i had to take a math test to even get in. needless to say... i didnt pass the math test to even get into the math class. so i took a class, to learn basic math...for no credit! and this is how it worked. you had a lesson for a week, and at the end of the week, you took a math test. if you passed, great! if you didnt...you would take the next weeks lesson; take that test at the end of the week...ALONG with the previous test you failed. lovely. i tried. i did! but i never passed any tests. and remember....after a month or so of this class...all i was doing was taking tests. by the time i got to taking, like, 6 tests a week, i wasnt sure if i should laugh or cry. i probably did both. i was a math moron. but i wasnt a total moron. i wasnt even getting credit. i got my ass outta there. yup...left the boring, pocket protector sea of grey crowd, and marched myself back to the art school; fishing box full of art supplies in hand, and joined my people. and 5 years later, (yeah,...you heard me correctly...5!) i was the proud recipient of an art degree. and as my dad predicted he would be...he was the unfortunate recipient of a daughter on his payroll for the next 10...(um, ok...maybe 15) years. actually...looking back...it doesnt seem that dumb at all. thanx dad! :) love ya! (ill eventually finish that painting for you that i started 20 years ago too)

so where was i? oh yeah....back from memory lane. the good ole days. anyway...my point, which is taking a long time to get to...is that, the things that people think make you smart...dont necessarily make you a smart person. i am a very intelligent, articulate, well rounded, (ok....maybe not totally well rounded...more like a little bit oval or squished a bit...but almost a full circle), inquisitive and free thinking person. put me in a room with almost anyone...and im good to go. yeah, sure...sometimes people look at me funny and wonder where the hell i came up with some of my thoughts. i can see a bubble over their head with a "hmmmm????" in it. but im used to that. and many times...they cant answer my questions or thoughts. things which are sooo complicated, but in a way soooo simple.

my most recent example:
last night at dinner, discussing the economic crisis and how nobody has money. i know im gonna hear comments from dan that the conversation wasnt exactly like this...but its kinda the general gist.
(* the blah blah blahs are basic non-scripted filler words which i probably wasnt listening to anyway...)

me: "so nobody has money. poor people, rich people, millionaires, billionaires...nobody has money left"

dan: "no! its really bad. blah blah blah. a depression...worst time ever, blah blah blah..."

me: "then where is all of the money?"

dad: "the banks cant lend money...blah blah blah...because they dont even have the money; people are not making the payments to the bank. blah blah blah"

me: "ok...i get it. but where is the money?"

dan: "its gone. its nowhere."

me: "it cant be nowhere! if no one has it...where did it go?"

dad: "lets say someone wants to build a property. they borrow money from the bank to pay the builders, etc. they sell it and get the cash. they make payments to the bank, or cant pay the bank back...blah blah blah...or they re-invest it....blah blah blah"

me: "so either the bank has the money back, or the people that owe the bank the money have the money, or the contractors who were given the money to do the job in the first place have the money. someone has the money, right?!""

dad: "well....errr....not really, because they might have re-invested it...blah blah blah"

me: "ok. lets say you have 100 $1 bills. wherever you go, whatever you spend, those physical 100 $1 bills are physically somewhere in the physical universe"

dan: "americans lives on credit. america is based and runs on credit...blah blah blah..."

me: "ok...the money has to be physically somewhere be someplace...but then if nobody really knows where the money is, why cant they just print more...since nobody can tell where the money is anyway...and nobody has it?"

dan and dad: "lots of blah blah blahs....i cant really explain it.....maybe someone can explain it better.....blah blah blah...its complicated....blah"

ok...i guess it is complicated. but isnt it also really simple. if nobody has money right now...where is it??? why arent more people worried about this, rather than train "a" or "b" getting to location "c" the fastest? and why cant those smart business school people figure it out? how come they passed all of those math tests?maybe their grey clothes and khaki pants are stifling their thought process. (?!?!) if you can tell me where the money is....enlighten me. but with no blah...blah...blahs, please!

the conversation continued....but not so much about money. we were discussing how people are losing their houses. they cant make payments. a family who was once living in a 4,500 square foot house is now living in a storage closet; which is smaller than the closet which held their clothes in their previous house.

me: "so...they lost their house because they cant pay the bank back"

mom: "yeah"

me: " so their house, along with many others which were foreclosed on, are sitting totally vacant. thats stupid"

dad: "its not stupid.....the bank needs their money back. theyre the ones who lost the money in the deal. they need to collect"

me: "i totally get it. im not dumb! duh! but the house is vacant. the people arent making payments. but its sitting empty and not collecting money either. why cant they just live there? the bank isnt collecting money with or without them in the house. they may as well have a place to live!"

dan: "the banks dont care. its a business. its all about the money"

me: "but that doesnt make sense either from a business standpoint. they arent collecting money either way. why should they live in a storage closet when there is a perfectly fine house sitting empty? why cant they live there until the house sells, (which is unlikely now anyway). the house looks better to potential buyers anyway when its occupied. from a humanistic point alone...i just dont get it."

dan: "well then everyone would want to do that! why should i pay my mortgage if i could just live for free...blah blah blah...or pay taxes...blah blah blah"

me: "but fortunately, we are able to do so. why cant we all accept and be thankful for that and not be greedy...and help out our fellow citizens in a time of need?"

dan: "the world doesnt work like that"

(more blah blah blahs, head shaking, those weird clueless looking stares at me, bubble clouds over their heads with "!!!" in them)

me: "well...it should. people are just too damn selfish. all i know...is that if i owned the bank...id let them live there"
(this is evidenced by the animals we collect. and i dont think dan would be surprised if he came home one day to have a homeless family living with us either.)

and just for the record....
those crazy art majors? they are the ones making the world more beautiful. theyre the ones doing yoga and meditation and finding their inner peace in a crazy, non peaceful world. dont knock it til you try it.

i told you i was smart!
:)

history. lori-style!

right now, i am sitting in a hospital bed in the cardiac icu. no...i dont have a heart problem. i get my chemo here because im allergic to one of the drugs, and in the icu they watch me more carefully incase of a reaction. as crazy as this sounds....i hope it takes a while for them to discharge me. i dont want to leave! have you heard anything so crazy? im sooo comfy, loving the room service, and having fun with all of the nurses! more friends!!! they love me. maybe cuz im the only one on the floor under 80, and i dont ask for much. (thats what i have dan for!) anyway...

dan and i spent the night here, and as usual...we had fun. we watched the inauguration ceremonies. (since then...dan has gone home to sleep and my dad is here now taking over the second shift!) so...because i think of the most obscure things...i was wondering how obama was feeling about starting his new job. the first day of new jobs always gives me butterflies, so i cant imagine what it would do to someone taking over the country. so i asked dan, "honey,...so...obama wakes up and goes into his oval office. he sharpens his pencils, organizes his paperclips, sets up his little tabbed folders. then what?" dan says, "uh, i think he has someone to do all of that for him" ummm...k. "so, when he sits down, is he like, 'where do i even start'"? seriously.....theres so much to do....where the heck do you start when youre running the whole country? i know what my first thought would be. i would be thinking, "i wonder if my outfit is ok. are my ripped jeans and ugg boots too casual?" or "hmmm...im not familiar with the area, i wonder if i can get any take out menus to local restaurants; and do they deliver"? or...maybe thinking about how to decorate and where to put my pictures up. or..."hmmmm...wheres the water cooler for some good gossip and socializing!" and for all of my friends who are wondering, "what job did lori ever have, that she had to ever worry about things like like this?" umm....funny guys, but YES i have had actual jobs with desks and cubbys or whatever. just because you blinked your eyes and missed it, does not mean that i didnt have them! so there! nevertheless...one thing dan did say about me as president. he said id be late to all of the parties, late for my inaugeration, and late to my first day of work. and hes right! (but who cares? whos gonna fire me?)

in all seriousness, i really dont know how somebody starts a new job as president. how does somebody just start to control the whole world? dan says there are a bunch of other people helping him. duh! i know that! but its still ultimately the presidents final say. he doesnt have a boss to make the final decision. i hope obama isnt a libra; because i am a libra...and one of our traits is that we have problems making decisions. i told dan, if i was president, id let all of the other people do all of the work...and id just chill out and go on vacation. he said, "thats what bush did". hmmm...maybe he wasnt so stupid after all.

then i switched my focus on being first lady. she has an important position too. maybe an even more important one. the president only has one room to design and decorate. his office. the first lady has a whole house to do! and lets face it, between the last several presidents, there are sure to be lots of weird crap all over that white house. the stuffy old furniture, jellybeans, peanuts, and clintons former things; which...ugh......i dont want to think what he left behind. i just hope they have a good carpet cleaner and dry cleaner on speed dial . i was thinking about the first ladys wardrobe. i saw that she was wearing a banana republic sweater to one of the events, and it sold out in stores across the country. so...if thats the case, and i am ever first lady...go out and buy stock in gap, kohls and target. preferably from the denim and tank top section. cuz thats where i like to shop, and thats pretty much all i wear. and for anyone thinking that the first lady couldnt wear gap....just an f.y.i.-banana republic and the gap are both owned by the same company.

ok...i could go on and on about what changes i would make to the white house. trust me...there are A LOT! ive already mentioned that the first thing i would do...is paint the white house pink. maybe lime green. and that would just be the beginning. suffice to say...the american public would be in for big changes with the buckfires in office. tho dan is really smart and probably would make a really fair and great president. me as first lady....maybe not so much.

this is an exciting time in history and its great to be watching it on tv. bush has overstayed his welcome by 7 years and 364 days. his ass is out. it wasnt fast enough. so...heres looking forward to a hopeful and prosperous 4 years. yay obama!!! make us proud to be americans!!!

*just as a complete side note
i, as a taxpayer, (ok...maybe my husband)...own part of air force one. therefore...would like to travel on it. i own part of it. doesnt it only seem appropriate???

the facts of life

"you take the good...you take the bad...

you take them both, and then you have,

'the facts of life' "

i loved that show! in the 80's, i wanted soooo badly to have blairs hairstyle, and to rollerskate everywhere, like tootie did.  it was literally the most important thing i had to worry about back then. but now that its 2009...a lot has changed. yes...i still have crappy hair, but im not complaining, because im just glad to have hair! and just like seeing my hair in a positive light, i have to look at many things that way. if i dont...ill be too depressed. so even though the cancer journey is a crappy hand to be dealt; i try to "twist" things in an effort to maybe fool myself into believing them.

a lot of the things i try to "twist" have to do with the many tests i have to endure. and i try to "twist" them into being like a spa experience. i get lots of scans. cat scans, pet scans, mri's.....etc. i remember the first one i had. i was terrified. it was loud and cold and i was doing everything i could to not freak out. well...almost 4 years later, im used to these machines. they are still kinda scary, but i find them, dare i say...relaxing?!?! ive even fallen asleep in some of them! this is pretty amazing for me, since i dont fall asleep easily. instead of thinking about claustrophobia...i think to myself, "wow...a whole hour to relax by myself!" im lying down, covered with heated blankets,  no ringing phones and no whining kid! i love my whining kid, but its nice to have an hour to not hear whining.

i try to look at hospital stays the same way. i used to have treatments overnight in the hospital. it sucked. but dan and i always had fun. especially when locked in the bathroom together! (totally kidding. im just making sure im not boring you!) seriously tho, i love spending time with my hunny. i would have preferred it to be on a tropical beach, but at the time...it was the hospital, so we made the most of it. we watched corny movies. movies we normally wouldnt have watched together. (bad news bears! night shift! LA story!) we played crossword puzzles and 2o questions. there was a wendys downstairs, so dan would get us frostys at 2 am! thats kinda decadent, huh?!

last week, i had a minor procedure. i had a "port" put in. basically...my veins are shot to hell, (literally!) and having a medi-port put in allows easier access to veins. i had a port before, but had to have it removed due to a blood clot. i wasnt very nervous about this procedure. its really not a big deal. but when i got in the operating room, it seemed so "official" and i started getting anxious. i mean...its a 20 minute procedure, but the prep was longer than the actual surgical time. i was wrapped in layers. (heated blankets included), but when i felt a tin foil thing going over me, i started feeling claustrophobic. so i started doing visualization. of course it had to do with a spa again. ive had seaweed wraps before. ive spent a shitload of money on them. so...how was this wrap different? well...for one, its waaaay more expensive than the spa! but insurance doesnt cover my spa services. anyway...i had my choice of music playing in the O.R., i was with very cool and amazing doctors and nurses. i was wrapped in my "seaweed" wrap. i "twisted" the O.R. into a spa. in reality...it wasnt so much different!

this leads me to the next positive thing in my cancer battle. the people! the more "procedures" i have, the more people i get to meet. i met the sweetest nurse the day i had my port put in. she was cool, caring, and we laughed. she didnt leave my side during the procedure. i loooved her! and ya know what? after the procedure, i was taken to cardiac icu for my chemo...and she actually called up to the icu just to see how i was doing. that wasnt a standard thing for her to do. it was just a nice and personal thing that she did from a humanistic standpoint alone. not because of a job requirement. it was because she cared, and those things mean sooo much! i wound up not getting my chemo that day, because my blood counts were too low. but that didnt stop us from hanging out in the icu room and having a really fun time. i mean...not so much fun that id want to do it again; but dan and i can find the fun in lots of stupid things. it also helps to have friends who work in the hospital. you may ask, "why were we hanging out in the cardiac icu longer than we had to?" since you asked; ill tell ya! 

when we go to the hospital, we know everyone there. not only our doctors and nurses and administrative staff...but i also have lots of friends who work in the hospital, as doctors or in the pharmacy, or whatever! they always make a point of stopping by to keep us company. and then there are all of the patients who have become "friends". so when i go, it can also be very social. lets face it...when you go to your "office", you have co-workers who are also "friends". i really enjoy seeing these people i have grown to love! of course i would rather see them while hanging out at starbucks or something, but again....if youre gonna be stuck in the hospital; isnt it nice to make it a social occasion?

anyway...im not trying to make the whole cancer situation a lighthearted comedy. its not...and i know that. but like i said...if i looked at it with black colored glasses instead of thru rose colored glasses, i would be miserable. i always complain about having to go into my "office'. i complain that its wasted time out of my life, and a job that i dont get paid to do. but again...if i put on the rose colored glasses, i see that the real payoff is if i get better! and if that happens, its the best paycheck ever. its more like winning the lottery. and everyone wants to win the lottery! you cant win if you dont play! so im playing because i have to, but im wearing the rose colored glasses because i want to.

my new home office idea

ive said many times before, that having cancer is a full time job. some people go into their office to work. i go to a chemo center. i like to call the hospital "my office". i wrote a whole blog about it a while ago. and like most people...i get sick of going to work. work can suck, right? i dont get paid enough money for all the responsibilities i have at work. just like most of the world; im overworked and underpaid. but mostly...i just dont like going in to the "office". so im thinking of having a "home office" set up. a lot of people work from home. its better for the environment. its better to spend more time with the kids. it saves money on gas. there are a lot of reasons why people have a home office. 

so...for my home office, i need a lab set up. and an infusion center. and oh yeah...a nurse or two. it may sound kinda crazy, but really...its not. why cant i do my work in the comfort of my home? how expensive can it be? and just for the record, my idea cant be that crazy, because my neighbor DOES have a hospital in his house. at least thats the rumor. ive never actually been invited to my neighbors house. and ive never gone there to borrow sugar either. of course there is a catch to this. my "neighbor" is bill davidson. and even tho he lives across the street from me, we live worlds apart. his net worth is 5.5 billion dollars and hes #62 on the 2008 forbes richest list. us? well...i think we might have a subscription to forbes. 

so...i like my idea of a home office. if anyone wants to help finance it...just let me know. i guess i could ask bill if i could use his home hospital. that is...if i could get past the guards stationed in front of his "museuem"...er...um...i mean "house". i wonder what kind of insurance they take?

back to the cancer roots

a friend of mine just e mailed me, and told me that he really enjoyed my blog, but didnt really see its connection to cancer. i thought it was a very interesting comment. so i told him that there was a very good reason for that; and instead of just explaining it to him... i thought i would share the answer with all of you.

cancer will ALWAYS be a part of my life. if i go in remission for 40 years, (g-d willing!)...i will still worry about my next lab or scan result. fear of recurrence is often worse than the original diagnosis. so...yes...i will always be plagued by cancer.

this brings me back to why i even have this blog in the first place. when i was first diagnosed in 2005, it was a big and fast whirlwind. not only was i in "freak out" mode, but i was thrown into a million doctor offices, a million and one tests and then surgery and chemo. i also had a six week old baby and was in the midst of building a house! yeah....i was literally picking out door hinges in between cancer treatments. crazy. and...my phone was constantly ringing. im not complaining about this...because, as ive said many times before... i feel fortunate to have so many friends who care and were concerned and wanted to know what they could do to help. BUT...i couldnt keep up with the updates. so i wrote a bulk mass e mail update to fill everyone in on what was going on with me. and i continued to do so. well....my e mails started circulating around town... and then some! my e mails were being forwarded to people i didnt even know. it was weird. i was told that people enjoyed them, because even though it was a serious subject and a difficult time; that i would write humorous things in them that uplifted peoples spirits. (their words...not mine!) another reason why it was important for me to write updates, was so people could hear about my experiences IN MY OWN WORDS! in the town i live in, gossip is a favorite pastime and often the story changes as it goes down the "gossip line". if i was doing great and feeling well, by the time it got to the end of the "gossip line", the story had me on my death bead. i wasnt! and if i was...you would hear it from me. (if i could!) and hopefully that wont be for a loooong time!  as time went on, my updates were getting more infrequent. life gets busy! and people missed reading my updates. i kept hearing that i should write a book. (its in the planning stages; but in my mind only!) when i first heard about blogging, i intended to do it as a sort of a continuation of my updates. 

this is where my explanation of my blog not being only about cancer comes into play. the reason why im blogging about this, as opposed to only explaining it to my friend, is because i hope that other people going thru this can maybe relate, and other people, can understand. my full time job is being a cancer patient. i think my car goes to the hospital on auto-pilot. its a constant thing. but that doesnt mean that my life is only defined by cancer. quite the contrary!!! i have lots of other stuff going on. and therefore...my blog reflects that. who wants to only hear about cancer? who only wants to read about bad stuff? not me! lawyers, doctors, janitors...they may all have full time jobs. but their jobs dont define them! they go home and have a life outside of the office. so do i! 

so i actually am continuing to do what i originally started out doing. i am giving updates on my life. and sometimes its cancer related. other times its not. one thing that i learned early on in my cancer diagnosis; is that life goes on. its strange, but i got used to it. i used to wonder how all of these people walking by me could go on with their seemingly normal lives, when i had cancer? i recall a nurse; upon when asking me how i was doing; smiled at my response. i told her that i was so busy with my kid and the rest of my life, that i kept forgetting that i have my cancer to deal with. she was smiling, because, as she said, "thats how its supposed to be." thats when i realized that, duh!....life does go on! and i wouldnt want it any other way. because why would i want to fight so hard for my life, if i was only going to waste time worrying about living, and not actually LIVING it!? what would be the point of adding extra years on to my life if i was going to miserable during those extra years? doesnt it make more sense to enjoy it? im not the most practical or brilliant person that ever walked this earth, and even i know this!

so that, my dear friend, and my dear readers...is why my "cancer blog" isnt only about cancer.

school daze...part deux

today is the first day back to school from holiday vacation. so...after having a lot of freedom, (and hayden having a lot of extra time and energy), we are back in school mode. basically...i get some sanity back; which is great...because i dont have much to begin with. so therefore...i thought this was an appropriate post for today.

after i posted "school daze" (which was sooo long ago...), i started having more flashbacks of my own school years. i was thinking about my experiences growing up compared to what i envision for hayden. i cant say i want a better experience for him that what i had, because what i had was pretty ideal. i had a very happy childhood filled with lots of opportunity and love. but because my family is hardly the picture perfect norman rockwell family, i have to laugh at some of my experiences.

as i wrote in my previous "school daze" post, ive been really trying to be the perfect mommie and do everything as june cleaver would. obviously nobody is perfect and im far from june cleaver. for example....there was a week in school, when the kids dress in the "color of the day." each day of the week was a different color. on "blue day." it wasnt sufficient enough for me to dress hayden in a blue shirt. i put so much thought into the outfit. so much so, that it was insanely pathetic. i mean...his socks. his underwear! i wore blue! we ate blueberries! a little overboard, wouldnt you say? so we get in the car, (which is always an ordeal), and i get him to school somewhat on time, (punctuality isnt my forte). im pretty impressed with myself. that is...until i turn around to unbuckle him, and see that i totally forgot to buckle him into his car seat! i know...insert obvious britney joke here. all in all...not the complete worst thing ever. its easy to do and im sure its happened many times with some of you too. but it doesnt exactly win me the perfect mother of the year award i was so striving for. can i at least maybe get a runner up award? i mean, "yes officer...i endangered my kids life. but look! he is perfectly color coordinated for "blue day!" doesnt that count for something?

a few days after i drove to school without hayden buckled in....i had another "ooops" moment. on this particular day...i forgot to pick him up. yup. i totally left my kid at school! i lost track of time. so when susie called to see what we were doing, i looked at my watch and went into a panic. i hung up on susie and hauled ass to school. the visual was pretty bleak. i walk in the classroom, and there is hayden...sitting at a table by himself, jacket and backpack on, while his teacher was cleaning the room. i felt like the worst mother. again...in the grand scheme of things...it wasnt like i left him on the side of a road to fend for himself. he was in a safe environment. i just felt stupid.

so what does this have to do with my childhood? well...dont you remember the days when there were no seat belt laws? you rode in the back trunk compartment in your parents station wagon with 15 other kids in the carpool group? ok...so my mom didnt have a station wagon. she had a little datsun 280 zx. a two seater sports car. but i sooo vividly remember my mom driving with someone in the passenger seat, and my brother and i in the tiny hatchback. whenever a cop would drive by, shed yell, "cop! duck down!" and my brother and i would immediately flatten ourselves down and hold our breaths until my mom said the coast was clear. can you even imagine that in this day and age?

my parents were young parents. i didnt realize it then, but they were! so when i was in elementary school, they were in their 20's! when i was in my 20's, i was out screwing around and having fun. so even tho my parents had kids and responsibilities; it didnt mean they werent still young. i have two very vivid memories of being embarrassed by mom at my elementary school. im sure there were more...but these are the ones that stick out in my mind.

the first, was when she got that 280 zx car i spoke of in the previous paragraph. i walked out of school, with my friends...ready to board the bus. i recall, like it was yesterday...my mom standing next to a little black sports car, yelling out to me across the parking lot..., "lori! he bought me the car! i have a new car! lets go for a ride!" jeez. i think my friend said, "is that your mom?" ummm...yeah. do i go over to her, or get on the bus and pretend that i have no idea who she is? its funny, because its not a big deal, and kind of funny and cool. but back in school...the dumbest things embarrass you. it was soooo not a big deal. especially compared to the next memory.

my other prominent memory takes us back to the same time frame; elementary school. but instead of a car, it involves neil diamond. i know...gag. but my mother was obsessed with him at the time. she had my father follow his tour bus to his hotel. she got his autograph and kept it in her underwear drawer for years. (double gag). but this isnt my story...
so when neil diamond came into town to perform, my parents went to the concert. no big deal. 20 somethings like concerts. my mom wore, (if you can even picture it), a tube top. the tale of what happened next goes something like this. my dad turns to his friend to talk to him, or whatever. when he turns back around, my mom is gone and he sees that she had run down to the stage. so she decides she wants to go ON the stage. to accomplish this, she faces the audience and goes to lift herself up onto the stage. ok. well...she accidentally had her hands too close to her, and as she lifted herself up, she pulled her tube top down. lovely. she gets up on stage and tells neil that she lost her shirt getting up there. ok...its funny. it is! but again...you dont think its funny when youre in elementary school, and its your mom! the next day EVERYBODY came up to me... "was that your mom who was onstage topless last night?" ugh. and let me tell you; this story went around town for years! even funnier... just a few months ago my parents went to an oldies concert. my mom was telling her friend about her neil diamond concert experience, and the people in front of her turned around and said to my mom, " i was just telling my friend about that story!" my mom says, "that was me!" the lady says to my mom..."i was there!" so...30 years later, its still haunting me. only now...i think its funnier than hell.

things are so different now. my parents sent me to a main street in the dark to wait for the bus. that wouldnt happen now. today, parents go out to drop the kids off at the bus stop and then do the same to pick them up after school. even if their house is right in front of the bus stop! my parents sent me to school on days that school was closed. im sure they left me places. for a bake
sale i had in junior high school, my mom, being very "un-june cleaver_like", threw together some cupcakes. so many parents had pretty and perfectly looking bake goods. my cupcakes looked disgusting. my mom hadnt bought any decorations for them. she crushed up some candy canes that happened to be in the house, and threw them on. they were melted and sticky and not so pretty looking. but ya know what? they were delicious! and i made the same exact ones
last week with hayden!

im sure ill screw up doing a lot of the same stuff too. and sure...i might send him off to school with a waffle shoved in his hand as we rush to school. seatbelt or not....at least hell still be well coordinated.

moving on

2008 has been a really crappy year. unfortunately....i said the same thing about 2005, 2006 and 2007. but for different reasons. the past 3 years have been crappy on a more personal level. 2008 seemed to be crappy for everyone.

first of all...the world. ugh. we have completely destroyed our earth. our gluttonous selves have kept taking and taking and taking from it; and whereas people are starting to give back more now than in the past...i think we waited too long. its sad, because i believe so many people are sick from all of the crap in the environment. we really have screwed ourselves.

then there is all of the fighting. its been going on since the beginning of time, and im pretty confident will continue to go on. even if we lived in a peaceful world...there would be some sort of conflict. but the levels which are going on right now...is ridiculous. my dad will ask me "how can you not know whats going on in israel?" quite simple. i dont watch the news. of course i know the general gist....but i honestly dont watch or read about the details. frankly...i find my small world to be depressing enough. every time i put the news on, (ok...i guess i do sometimes pay attention!)....i only hear bad, bad, bad and then i get depressed. seriously...i cant remember the last time i heard something good on the news. what really boggles my mind.....is how so many people have so much time and energy to "hate". it takes A LOT of energy to put forth in hating as much as these people do. i barely have time to pee during the day, let alone plan, plot and scheme all of this destruction. ive said this a million times before, and ill say it again. i can only imagine what a wonderful world we could all live in, if all of these people took their time and energy they put in to all of this hate...and put it in to something positive. imagine! the possibilities are just breathtaking!

lets not forget about our economy. (as if we could forget!) it totally freaks me out that the american people actually voted bush into office. i can maybe see this in a dictatorship; but we actually voted him in by choice! (and by the way...."we" doesnt mean me!) im so saddened by how many people are totally suffering because of the economy. ive always seen sad stories on the news, but have never really seen it personally impact me or my friends. i have many smart and successful friends who have lost so much this year. the sheer magnitude of how many people have been affected by this economy is staggering. and ridiculously sad.

the thing that most affected me this year, is all of the sickness and death i have seen. is it because im getting older and thats what happens when you get older? is it because there is more disease now than ever before? is it because im in a situation where i meet really sick people every day???? i know the answer to this question. its all of the above. i remember being young and hearing about people being sick and seeing my some of my parents friends die. but it was so scattered here and there. certainly not like i see now. im 40. it sounds old to me. but i know its not. and im seeing so many people in my age bracket dying. people with young kids. and of course...they are all really great people who dont deserve it. those terrorists i mention a few paragraphs above? doesnt it make more sense for the people who have no respect for other peoples lives, and people who are willing to strap a bomb on to their own body to be the ones to get nasty diseases. not that i wish disease upon anyone...because i dont! all im saying, is that if i were g-d, and looked down at my options...i think id make different choices.

of course its not all doom and gloom. although 2008 sucked in many ways, it doesnt mean there wasnt also a lot of joy and happiness. its not like ive walked around being depressed for 12 months! i have learned to appreciate every breath and every moment i have been given. i am grateful for the medications which keep me alive. i appreciate the friendships i have made with people who are going thru the same things as i am. i am thankful for every day i get to cuddle and kiss my 13 year old dog, and try to remember that it doesnt matter that he peed on the carpet...just as long as i get to kiss his nose a million times a day. i know that every day i see my sons face is a special occasion. each new phase i see him go thru is a treasure. the love of my husband and family is unparalleled. the love and dedication of my many amazing friends, both old and new. these are ALL gifts. and no matter how crappy 2008 was, these are things that cannot be taken away. 

so...its the second day into the new year. i hope and pray that 2009 brings some positive changes for everyone. we have a new president who will soon take office. i think everyone will agree that we, as a nation, are optimistic and eager to see what this new government will bring. the future looks bright. and i am reminded, as i sit in my kitchen typing this; by a sign that hangs over my sink...

"cherish yesterday....dream tomorrow.....live today!"