my thoughts on the holiest of holidays

yom kippur.

the holiest of holy days. (other than superbowl sunday. at least according to dan...)

and ill bet youre just bored enough to want to know what i think about on the high holy holiday.

but first...a preface

i dont fast on yom kippur. it has nothing to do with being sick and taking meds. i never fasted. nor do i sacrifice eating bread on passover, (tho it would be a good way to lose some pounds!) it just doesnt make sense to me. first of all...i havent sinned. i know...everyone sins, gossip is a sin, thinking bad thoughts is a sin...blah, blah, blah. but in my opinion...those are not sins. murder, rape, robbery, deceitfulness...THOSE are sins. and i dont believe that if you dont eat food for one day, than you are forgiven for your sins. for example...you go down the street with a machine gun and shoot up the whole smith family for no reason. so you dont eat for one day...and youre forgiven for the slaughter of the whole family? nu-uh...i dont buy it. and then i heard the whole reason for fasting, is because youre not only atoning for your own sins, but for all of the jews sins. another nu-uh. i can barely keep my life in order....let alone be responsible for the entire jewish population. you worry about your own sins...and ill look out for mine, thankyouverymuch! parallel to this belief...im not a big fan of attending temple services. dont get me wrong...i love our rabbis sermons and the amazing voices of the cantors...but i really dont understand any of the things im reading, and i dont know any hebrew. so im usually just sitting there and not getting much out of the sermon. and sure...its fun to go to temple to socialize and check out all of the yentas and make fun of their outfits. (oops...did i just say that? i think thats considered a sin)

with that being said; i am a true believer in g-d...a higher being, another universe, life after death, heaven...etc. yay g-g! g-d rocks! wooo hooo....you go, g-d! i know you are there and i love and respect you. (i also believe in other planets and aliens...but ill leave that out of my yom kipur blog.) so basically...what im saying, is that i wholeheartedly believe in g-d, but dont think you have to be at a place of worship, or not eat, or have two separate set of dishes to show your belief. and i totally understand and accept other peoples beliefs in how they honor g-d. if people want to go without electricity or walk instead of drive on the sabbath...im totally cool with that. i admire and respect their belief. (as a side note...i do have a question. isnt it more of a "rest" if you zoom up the street to synagogue in your car... instead of walking there? i dunno....it just seems to be more of a "rest" to leisurely drive up the street, as opposed to huffing and puffing and breaking a sweat on a hike to the synagogue.) just a thought...

ok...so thats my religious background. here are my thoughts on yom kippur day.

lori's timeline of thoughts on yom kippur day:

1-"why do i have to dress up? wouldnt g-d love me just as much in denim? and wouldnt he want me to look skinnier, as i do in my jeans, to sort of not feel like a fat cow next to all of the anorexic, perfect people?"

 

2-(as we pull into the temple parking lot) "how long will we have to be here?"

3-"how do these women even walk on their tiny skinny legs?"

4-"thats a cute outfit"

5-"maybe if i lost weight...id look cute in that outfit too!"

6-(as we sit down in the chairs, before the service starts) "is it almost over yet?"

7-(service just started), "i should start a website for services you can attend online."

8-"im sure there are already online religious services. mine would have to offer something unique....like including an option for webcams on other peoples computers so we can see what theyre wearing"

9-"15 minutes into service. it shouldnt be too much longer, right?"

10-"i wonder... if you collected all of the perfumes these women are wearing into a bottle...how many bottles of perfume would their combined total amount to?"

11- "ditto with the hairspray"

12-"double ditto with all of their make up"

13-"i wonder; if all of these women were on a scale together...would their combined weight still be less than mine?"

14-"i want to be skinny like them. maybe i should try not eating. maybe i should start with the yom kippur fast. oops...i screwed that up already with my late night hot chocolate last nite, and toast this morning"

15-"im hungry for a bagel and cream cheese. i wonder if the delis are open today"

16-"is it almost over yet?"

17-"if dan is the one in our household who is more adamant about following jewish culture and tradition...then why is he sleeping?

18-"i wonder if you combined all of the diamonds here together, how many carats would it be?"

19-"hmmm...should i show dan the ring that the lady in front of me is wearing? its huuuuuge! at least 10 carats."

20-"if i were a robber, id rob this temple right now"

21-"i really want to show dan this ring! maybe i can upgrade mine to that one day!"

22-"is it almost over yet?"

23-"maybe i should wake dan up before he starts snoring"

24-"why is it so damn cold in here? do my dues go right to the heating/cooling bill?"

25-"its gotta be almost over. they closed the ark!"

26-"ya know...if they didnt sing all of these songs, we could easily cut 45 minutes off of the service"

27-"they have afternoon services we can stay for? who wants to stay here longer than we have to?!?!?"

28-"hayden is at home and he was reallly whiny this morning. do i really want to go back there and hear him whine all day?"

29-"maybe i should stay for the afternoon services! then i dont have to hear whining!"

30-"and they have all day torah study in the library???? maybe i should check that out too!"

31-"ugh......can we leave now? we already know how it ends"

32-"uh-oh...they just took another torah out of the ark"

33-"whining....torah study. whining....torah study. ???"

34-"everybody wants to touch that torah with their books and then kiss their book. i want to be that torah right now. how fun! id be so popular!"

35-"stand up. sit down. stand up. sit down. can they just make up their minds and pick one or the other?"

36-"its almost over, right?"

37-"now i know why these girls are so skinny. all of that 'stand up, sit down', is exactly like the 'buns of steel' workout!" they must come to services a lot!

38-"is that a prayer he is singing...or a piece from a broadway play? should i applaud after he finishes the song?"

39-"yay!!!! its over!!!!!"

40-"hmmm....now we still have to sit in the totally blocked parking lot, until everyone finishes gabbing about the latest sale at neiman marcus, and gets out to move their cars.

41-"look at all of the cars! there is a virtual sea of mercedes and bmw's. does anyone else see the irony of the german invasion....right here in the temple parking lot?!"

42-"what do jewish people do or talk about after yom kippur services? i mean...if food isnt involved....what do we do? seriously. 

43-"hurry up, cars! i have a whining kid at home!"

44-"ugh...the whining. what time does the afternoon service start....?"

45"...and is it almost over yet?"

and the best comment...made by my dad, as we wait in the blocked parking lot...

"this would be a great time and place for a tailgate party!"