to my baby...on his 4th birthday

every year i write hayden a letter on his birthday. he was 6 weeks old when i was diagnosed with cancer. at that point...i wasnt sure how long id be around. so when i saw him turn 1, i wrote the first letter, to let him know how happy i was to celebrate his birthday with him. and ive continued to write these letters. this is my fourth one! and honestly...i do not share those letters with anyone. they are put in a box...a different box for each year. they are for hayden. but for some strange reason...i feel the need to post this letter. no idea why! but when i feel strongly about something, i do it. so here it goes....

03-06-09

to my (most of the time!) sweet, precious baby boy,

i havent re-read all of the previous letters i have written to you on your other birthdays; but im pretty sure they all start out somewhat the same. basically...how time flies so fast, and i cant believe my little baby; really isnt a baby anymore.

let me first tell you how you spent your last day of being 3 years old. you were sick; just like you were on your 3rd birthday. oddly enough...you havent been sick all winter. but we are trying all we can do to get you better before your party. last year, all of your friends had fun at your party, while you sat in grandma vicky's arms sick. we dont want to repeat it this year. we are having a "yo-yo party" for you tomorrow. what is a "yo-yo party", you might ask? well..were not really sure. but we asked what you wanted for your 4th birthday party, and this is what you came up with. just like everything else you do...you have quite the creative imagination.

so, while trying to get you healthy yesterday, i couldnt help but reflect on all of the things that are passing by so quickly. comforting you today, i am reminded how i used to rock you in my arms or in the rocking chair. now we can barely fit together on that very same chair. and when i was rubbing your hands, i remember how they used to be so tiny...and fit in the palm of my hand. your little hand curled around just one of my fingers. and last night when i put you in the shower to open your lungs by breathing in the steam, you seemed so grown up and independent. you wanted the soap so you could "soap yourself up". i remember holding you in one arm over the sink, while bathing you with a squirt bottle. its so crazy, hayden. i can see it and feel it, like it was yesterday. and i realized, as i got in the shower with you, that very soon....i wont be able to do that. and i will soooo miss the sweet innocence of having you as my little baby.

at the same time, im so excited to see what the future brings to all of us. we all enjoy you so much. just seeing all that you are learning and doing. its the best thing in the world. you bring us so much joy! youre so smart, that it sometimes scares me. i wonder how you know the things you know. and all along, i thought i was the one teaching you. every day i am reminded, of just how much you teach me. you are an old soul. i see it and feel it in your eyes. i feel it in my entire being. i truly believe, without a doubt; that you are my healer. the way you comfort me. the way you gently stroke my cheek. the way you take my hand and kiss it. the way you innately know just what i need. the things you so purely give. you are such a sweet and generous soul. it astounds me; what you, at 4 years old, are capable of. you have a sixth sense. and i am quite often amazed by it.

you recently asked me, "mommie, how did you get me?" i tried to explain to you, that daddie and i love each other so much. so much so, that we had extra love to give, and we wanted to share it with a baby. we were the ones who wanted you; but you were the one who picked us. you gave me and daddie a family. and 4 years ago today...the true purpose of my life began.

today, when i look at our kitchen window and see all of your "projects" hanging up, i am literally ensconced in my lifelong dream. this is what i have always wanted. you are what i always wanted. and i know that the reason i am here on earth...is to be your mother. i know you dont understand this. but one day...you will. and i hope so much that i am here to see it and share it with you. all i want...is to always be here for you. and i hope you know that in some shape or form...i always will be.

you are my world, and i love you so much!

happy 4th birthday baby

mommie

xoxo