yeah, yeah, yeah....i already know where im going. i just hope my handbasket is chanel or gucci, and large enough so i dont get too claustrophobic on the journey. oh...and maybe have A/C incase i get too hot.
im not religious. i wasnt brought up with religion, and i dont define myself by a religion. however, i DO believe in G-D. i do! i really, really do! i just dont think he or she is sitting in a synagogue on a saturday morning. so therefore, when i have to sit in synagogue.....im bored off my big, fat ass. i do not understand a single thing they are talking about. and for the most part....i really dont care. i have the attention span of an ant. and yesterday....the hour and a half i sat thru a service, i fidgeted and complained like 3 year old. actually....there were 3 year olds there. they did much better than i did. dont get me wrong....the bar mitzvah service for my friends son was very nice. he did a great job. im proud of his accomplishments. but the rest of it? ugh.
last year, i wrote my thoughts on the holiest of holy holidays. its a holiday which is coming up again very soon, so im sure ill have more observations then. but in the meantime...im stuck in my thoughts from yesterday. after the bar mitzvah boy did his part, (which i diligently listened to, by the way), i was stuck with my random thoughts. i picked up the leaflet they hand out before the service. i notice a part that says something to the extent of "jewish law prohibits the use of cell phones in the synagogue." ummm...ok. really? i mean...even tho as tempted as i was, and i had to try with all my might to ignore the fact that my blackberry was only a few inches away from me...i would NEVER be that disrespectful and whip out the crackberry to check out perezhilton.com in the middle of a sermon.
so...i turned to my husband and showed him the leaflet. (ya know...just incase he didnt know that it was inappropriate to use his cell phone.) and i said to him..."its against jewish law!" he looks at me with a blank stare, (as he so often does). i go on. "do you think that when moses was up on that mountain holding those 10 commandments, and after it stated 'thou shall not lie, thou shall not steal'..etc....it had a side note that said 'thou shall not use cell phones or text in synagogue?'" puhleease. of course we shouldnt use them...but please dont tell us its against some jewish law. and my thoughts just started going from there...
from my brain:
-weve been here 45 minutes already...isnt it over yet?
-everybody in the crowd is talking to one another. the rabbis on the bimah are talking to each other. why the hell are we here? whats the point if nobody is paying attention?
-this song the cantor is singing, is never ending! every time the song seems like its the end....he keeps going on. and on. and on.
-i think the cantors voice is on the same pitch which is causing my head to explode.
-cant the same point get across with an abbreviated version of this song?
-i wonder if they sell tylenol here.
-its got to be over soon!
-whats that hanging from the ceiling?
-is the cantor ever gonna stop singing?
-ohhhh...its a microphone thats hanging from the ceiling!
-we could really do without that microphone.
-doesnt the cantor have to stop singing so he can breathe for a few seconds?
-my head is going to blow up. damn that microphone!
-wow...some people come to services because they actually like it! thats so weird.
-i wonder what this very long song is even about?
-its over now, right?
-guess not. it only seemed like the song was over.
-im gonna try and pretend that im at an opera or a concert.
-i wonder if i could reach that hanging microphone and yank it down.
-everybody is still talking! and theyre not trying to be discreet about it. even the rabbis in front of the cantor are still yapping away! wouldnt it just make more sense to end this damn thing already and everybody could continue to chat more freely in a more fun and comfortable environment?
-ahhh! its over! finally!
-why is he starting to sing again? we get the point already.
-oh look! theyre passing out candy! we get to throw candy at people to wish them sweetness. i like this part!
-why throw the candy if you can eat it?
-good thing i got the red. my favorite flavor.
-yum.
-this guy is still singing!
-the candy obviously didnt help my throbbing head.
-instead of trying to reach the microphone to yank it down; maybe i can tie it around my neck.
-that was not a good thought. i shouldnt even think those things in a place of G-D.
-seriously G-D...i dont want to kill myself. im trying really hard to stay alive. but can you make this guy shut up?
-my prayers were answered! he shut up! and he didnt start singing again!
-its gonna be over!
-jeez...now the rabbi has to say something.
-yay! we get to throw the candy now!
-too bad i have no candy to throw.
-its the end!
-why is it that the jewish culture cant just end a conversation?
-this rabbi is talking so fast. is he speaking english or hebrew?
-i wonder if i can miss rosh hashanah services next week, since im doing something religious now?
-the rabbis and cantors are sooo much better at my temple!
-yay! the rabbi is done speaking. maybe it was japanese he was speaking?
-why do we have to end the service with another song?
-lets get the hell out of here and buy some tylenol!
see. i told you. i know where im going. the good thing is that ill know lots of people there.
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