the communal chemo fishbowl

today i had my 4th chemo treatment for my 3rd recurrence. or is it my 4th recurrence? whatever. counting is not my forte. so...since i have a new doctor, i go to a different hospital for my chemo. and its very different than what im used to. my last cancer center was like the ritz carlton of chemo facilities. individual private sections where every chair had a tv and dvd player, beautiful floor to ceiling windows looking out to the gardens, snacks, and not to mention a bunch of nurses who i adore and became a sort of "family" to me. and they loved me, (duh! who doesnt...)..and i was treated so well. i miss them, and actually go back to say hello every so often. but my new facility is different. dont get me wrong....its top notch. i absolutely ADORE my new doctor. he is as brilliant as everyone told me he is, and hes so caring and more importantly....even calls me back and knows what the hell is going on with me! pretty basic for what you want in a doctor, huh!? and guess what else? its in MICHIGAN!!!! as most of you know...i have doctors in every state and many, many, many frequent flier miles; so im thrilled to not have to get on a plane to get bloodwork done! (although i may miss the chocolates on my pillow and comfy robe at the commonwealth hotel in boston, or pinkberry and seeing my friends in LA). my current doctor has a chemo room right in his office, and its a bunch of chairs lined up next to each other with one tv on the wall. its fine....i mean, im not moving in there...but its just different. the one thing that has remained the same...is my outfit. ive worn the same pants to most of my chemos; my army fatigue camoflage pants. since my first treatment, i said i was "in a war", and this was my combat outfit. even when i ballooned up from the steroids and no longer fit into my pants ....i brought them with me. thankfully, im able to wear them again, and i really hope it stays that way!

anyway, my first treatment was uneventful, as it was pretty empty there.

the second treatment was more daunting. crowded room...and it seemed as if everyone was sick. (shocker that youd find that in a cancer hospital, right? ) but serioulsy....looking around was so depressing. the guy next to me talked about him him him and all of his medical dilemmas, he almost died, hes sick...blah blah blah him him him. another guy wanted to talk about all of his drinks and pills and health concoctions and everyone should take this stuff. and oh yeah....his colostomy bag. another lady was so sick and holding a sick bag, and i just wanted to cry looking at her. other people couldnt walk or were doubled over. you hear people telling about all of their problems. well...im somewhat of a hypochondriac as it is, and by the end of my treatment, i was convinced i had every damn complication as everyone in that room. which is weird, since i actually feel totally, perfectly fine! but i started freaking out. "am i as sick as all of these people?" holy shit.....this might be serious! AND OH YEAH! i forgot to tell you about nurse ratchett! my IV was leaking and blood was dripping down my arm and liquid was seeping out. i called her over in a panic. i asked her a question. she basically told me..."i dont know; im not your nurse and im just trying to help your nurse out with your leak because she is busy!!!" jeez...sorry to disturb your JOB! i was freaking out because i didnt know if poison was dripping from my tube and all over my skin which can actually burn. "jeez lady....maybe youre not concerned because youre wearing a fucking hazmat outfit and gloves!" i know i shouldnt have cared, but i was a total baby and for DAYS kept saying, "i cant believe that nurse was mean to me!!!" i know. in the grand scheme of all the shit ive been thru, this is what i lose sleep over?!?!!?

on the third treatment, it was all young and healthy looking people in the room. they were watching a basketball game. the only thing seemingly missing was beer and pretzels. but still being shell shocked from treatment number 2, i decided to do something very "un lori-like." i brought my i-pod, covered myself up, and didnt look around. it was weird. it was my 3rd visit, and i hadnt met any new friends or "fans". this was foreign territory to me. but before i left, i did meet a very inspiring young man who is being treated for a brain tumor. ivan is 24, adorable and so inspirational. hes very religious and has a great outlook on his situation. he was going to get me a necklace he wears which is called, (i think?) a sacrum? i dont know...im not catholic, but ill take all the help i can get from whatever diety will protect me! anyway...im in awe of him, and i hope to see him again. and by the way...he is doing great.

so...back to today. i didnt know what the hell treatment number 4 would bring in this communal fishbowl; but i certainly wasnt expecting it to be...dare i say....kinda FUN? first of all....mr. him him him was back. (today it was all about his liver biopsy.) but i did go and introduce myself to him. he happens to be very nice. i cant wait for him to get better and have good things to talk about! my friend ellyn who is also a patient there, told me i might see her two friends who were scheduled to be there today. sure enough, they just happen to sit right next to me. and they were incredible! (as is ellyn!) and we talked and talked. they both had their husbands there, and they were great. (i had my dad there...because dan was in court today. somebody has to pay for all of my medical bills!!!) missy is 36 and had her last treatment for breast cancer today. she has 2 young children; one is almost 4 and the other is 18 months. pam turned 35 today! she also is being treated for breast cancer and has the same BRCA gene defect that ellyn and i also have. she has 3 young kids. these girls are really fun. really upbeat. totally crazy. completely open- book personality...just like me! truly amazing! i cant believe that they are even younger than me. crazy. anyway...ellyn and pam also have great blogs, and when i get around to it and get their permission...i will add a link to their sites on my page.

so...that was chemo today. i guess its sort of interesting. looking back at these 4 different treatments, i couldnt have had more different experiences. chemo in the communal fishbowl is just like forest gumps' box of chocolate. you never know what youre gonna get! maybe i can look at going to my treatments as sort of a pot luck. more importantly...i have more friends to add my possee! and oh yeah...i feel good. a little tired, but good.

im going to bed now, because hayden goes to the beach tomorrow for summer camp. jeez...speaking of hayden...how can i end this without a little hayden story? its short. today he said to me, "thanks for summer skies mom." (summer skies is the name of his camp) how sweet is that? hes thanking me for sending him to camp! ill think of that story when im reminded of how he screwed up my computer tonite by touching keys i told him not to. i guess having a 3 year old is also a little like forest gumps chocolate box!