3:49

i know; and always have known, that my brain works differently than many or most peoples brains. i know a lot of people wonder what the hell goes on in my mind; if anything at all. well...the problem isnt that my brain doesnt work. the problem is that my mind is always moving and going and thinking. i cant shut it off. its very creative and free thinking. and it can also be my worst enemy.

beware of soft, inanimate and dangerous objects

its 5:30 am. ive been up for...i dunno...an hour or so. im always up throughout the night. (thats why im always tired. and i always look like it too.)

my random late night/early morning insomnia is my "alone" time. i enjoy the house being quiet. but im usually interrupted soon after with a "mooooooooooom." "mooooooooooooom!" "MOOOOOOOOOOOM!"

yup....my kid calling for me from upstairs. (sprawled across my bed, of course.)

so just now i was lying on the sofa in the den.

just thinking.

"thinking", by the way...is a dangerous "activity" for me. (but good for my shrink and the pharmaceutical companies!) as another side note. i use the term "activity" loosely. "lori" and "active" rarely go hand in hand. anyway...where was i.

"moooooooooom. im coming down down!"

he pitter patters down the stairs and into the den.

"mom...i had a strange night"

"really? why was it strange?"

"a pillow hitted me"

"a pillow? it hit you?"

"yeah. it hitted me. and then it kicked me off the bed."

"wow! that is very strange, baby!"

"yeah. it was a reeeaaally strange night."

and then we cuddled on the couch, which is always nice.

3 1/2 seconds later.....

"mooooooooom"

"can i have milk?"

"can i watch tv?"

"can i go on the computer?"

"baby...its pitch black outside. go upstairs and bother your daddie. hell protect you from the dangerous pillows"

:)

sharing. back to the beginning.

i recently wrote a guest post for my friend missys blog. (check it out...shes hysterical.) anyway...it was fun, because she gets a lot of readers...unlike myself. and i got 12 comments! which is amazing, because i dont think i have a combination of 12 comments with all of my posts combined. anyway... im going to reprint it here. its sort of my ovarian cancer story in a neat and simple nutshell

.......................

a big hello to all of "melissas" readers!

ok...first of all....ive known "melissa" since junior high or high school.....and she was MISSY back then. and to me...she still is! yeah...we met when we were in a gym class together. i dont think you could have found two more people as "gym defective" as us. we haaaaaaaated gym! i cant believe i didnt fail. either way.....we made it thru. we even paired up to do a required aerobic routine. im sure we sucked, but im also fairly certain that we at least looked cute in our 80's leg warmers/leotard/headband gear. as another side note....i was the "good girl" to missys "bad girl", and i was the only friend that her parents liked her to go out with. they were smart. i was pretty goody-goody. (but for the record...i wasnt boring!)

anyway....i feel like a pseudo-celeb; in having the honor to be a guest on missys blog! and i wasnt a cordial guest either. i actually invited myself. but in all seriousness....im completely blown away by missys blog, and her writing skills. not only does she have the most perfect skin in the world, but shes got such a talent when it comes to expressing her thoughts. so yes...i really DO feel it is an honor to be here. i do have to admit..im kind of a "blog idiot". i have NO clue what missy is talking about with all of the politics, and small fish vs big fish bloggers, etc. all i know...is that i write...and i really dont care if anyone even reads it. except for this post. because what i have to say is important, and affects the same genre of people who read missys blog. so here it goes.

september is ovarian cancer awareness month. i have stage 4 ovarian cancer. and the reason why my story is important; is because in a lot of ways....imthe case of someone who isnt at risk for this, and at the same time; i absolutely am.

i was 36 when i was diagnosed. not the age when most people get ovarian cancer. i was also pregnant. and with all of the ultrasounds....cancer never showed up. after i had my beautiful baby boy....i knew something wrong. i felt a weird pressure low in my abdomen. and when i would breathe in...i felt a pressure in my ribs. i demanded urinary infection tests. i asked for a pap smear. i had an ultrasound. i was told, that basically i just had a baby, and of course i have pressures. but i knew. i cant tell you exactly how i knew...but i just did. i specifically remember saying to my mom, "i know they tell me this is normal...but im telling you.....something is wrong!" i dont blame my doctor. he did every test i asked for. his logic made sense. i did just have an 8 1/2 pound baby. it does take a toll on the body. he had no reason to suspect cancer. until the pap smear came back and it was positive. still...ovarian cancer wasnt a suspicion. statistics show that ovarian cancer doesnt show up on pap smears. its usually cervical which shows up on paps. its usually pre-cancerous, and its usually very treatable if caught early. i had a cat scan. it came back clear. everyone was a little baffled. there is a simple blood test called a ca-125. if its elevated, it could be a sign of cancer. normal is 35 and under. mine was 350. i went in for surgery, and they found cancer spread all over. i was debulked, with the majority of the cancer being in my diaphragm. that is what was causing the pressure when i breathed in deeply. needless to say...when i woke up from the very long surgery....i was in shock. my family was in shock. we were all devastated. and i had an 8 week old baby waiting for his mommie at home.

with all of the reasons to believe i wasnt a candidate for cancer, there was one really good reason why i was. heredity! i always knew my family background of cancer; as many of my relatives succumbed to the disease. my aunt was only 30 when she lost her fight with breast cancer. knowing this history, i was very proactive in my health care. i fought with doctors and health insurance companies to get mammograms starting at age 30. they didnt see the need for this until i was 40. instead of being praised for being aggressive with my desire to stay healthy; i was berated. i still insisted on it tho. and i point this out, because YOU should be your own advocate for YOUR health, and not rely on doctors and insurance companies alone. regardless of the fancy degrees...they DO NOT know everything! trust YOUR instincts! and please....dont even get me started on the insurance companies!!!!

i didnt know about this until after the after the whole ordeal; but there is a certain genetic mutation which puts a person at a higher risk of breast and/or ovarian cancer. its called the BRCA mutation. ashkenazi jews are especially at risk, tho i know many non-jews who have the gene too. this mutation puts women at risk of getting breast cancer by the age of 70; up to 87%, and the risk of ovarian cancer up to 44%. i tested positive for the BRCA1 mutation. we were so happy when my mother tested negative, as it affects women more than men. but it DOES affect men, and lo and behold....just a few months ago; my father was diagnosed with a rare cancer; most likely due to his BRCA1+ status. i do not suggest that everybody panic and run out to get genetic testing tomorrow...BUT...i DO want you to be AWARE of it and have knowledge about it. not to sound cliche...but knowledge truly IS power.

its 4 1/2 years later, and im still in treatment. ive been in some sort of treatment since the beginning; but i dont complain. medicine is changing DAILY. and because of my BRCA+ status, there are different drugs to use, and there are more on the way. im here! i still have a long road ahead of me, but i intend on continuing down that road. it hasnt always been easy. at the same time, ive been fortunate to be ale to live a normal life. my family is amazing. my husband is literally my anchor. my friends give me the utmost support. and my son, who is the absolute center of my whole being.... is now 4 1/2. i wasnt sure id be around to watch him crawl...let alone all of the joyous things we have since shared. of course its not enough. i have a lot more i need to experience with him!

i feel that it is my duty to educate women about this topic. therefore, i am including this info. please take the time to read it.

any friend of missy, is a friend of mine. therefore...i end this post by telling you, that as my "friend", i wish you all happiness, love and health!

.......................

*and then i posted all of the info on ovarian cancer, which is actually already posted here, just a couple of posts down. i had a lot of fun being a guest. i hope im invited back. oh wait...i invited myself. ok, missy. im gonna invite myself back one day. just a warning. :)

are you there g-d? its me, lori....

i know one day ill meet you.

i hope its not for a long time.

i dont plan on it being for a long time.

but when i do; i have a question for you.

"WHY"?

and i hope its not the same response i always give people when im asked that very same thing; which is, "why not"?

because i dont get it. i really dont.

and i try to make sense out of things.

but i cant.

i know that if i were you; id do things a lot differently.

so think about my question.

because you better have a good answer.