the penis. ooops...i mean the PIANIST!

ok...this is one of those stories that are just sooo much better if you were there. and unless you are my in-laws or have a kid in piano classes...then you werent. but im gonna tell it anyway.

on saturday mornings, hayden takes piano classes. his teacher is one of those really funny characters who is amazing with kids. he jokes a lot and really relates to these kids on their own level. he makes it fun! hell say, "ok kids, if you dont stand up straight, what is this called?" and as he holds up a wooden stick, the kids all yell, "knuckle whacker!" or if the kids arent singing clear and strong, hell say, "parents, if your child isnt singing...then pinch their backside!" the kids think its hysterical.

so...on this particular day, there were about 7 kids, all sitting at their pianos with their parent by their side. the teacher says, "okay kids....if you dont sing the notes strong, your parents are going to pinch your_____... and without missing a beat, hayden yells out, "PENIS!"

OMG! i was dying! the first 3 seconds there was complete silence. then the nervous giggling started. i was cracking up so hard, i was crying! the teacher put his head on the piano, and says, "well, thats not exactly what i had in mind". one kid says out loud, "you mean 'private parts!'" after i caught my breath and my composure, i said, "i swear, we dont do that at home!"
sooo sooo funny. and honestly...i realize its way funnier if you were there.

the best part, is that hayden just sat at his piano completely oblivious to the class' giggling. i love that! i never taught hayden that any body part is a "bad" word. i never made up kooky names for genitalia, and never gave him any indication that a penis was any different than his arm, leg or nose! too funny. he never really goes around talking about genitalia, or anything like that...so it was pretty unexpected. nevertheless....it was pretty damn funny!

the genetic lottery

i inherited my dads blue eyes. i also have him to thank for my curly, frizzy hair; which i never liked. well, i never liked it until i didnt have it anymore. it was only after i lost it that i actually appreciated it! im not really sure if my mom donated any of her genetics to me. i dont look anything like her. and i dont have too many of her personality traits. actually...i dont have many of either of my parents personality traits! im pretty opposite of them, as i am my brother. they are very business oriented...i am all about the art. they are very "medical", and i am the one who actually thinks asparagus just may be a cure for cancer. and they will be the first ones to tell you that im the nicest one in the family. of course this doesnt mean that i dont like my family! quite the contrary! i love them. i adore them. they are my biggest supporters, and my family is the most important thing in the world to me. i just always questioned where the hell i came from, and how i got the way i am from their combined genetics. i often wondered if they really were my parents! as it turns out; they are indeed, my real parents.

after my cancer diagnosis, i underwent genetic testing. i did this, because the new idea of treating cancer is more gene oriented. basically, people with certain genetic mutations are more prone to getting certain kinds of cancer. women with the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene have up to an 85% risk of developing breast cancer by age 70, and the increased risk of developing ovarian cancer is about 55% for women with BRCA1 mutations and about 25% for women with BRCA2 mutations. it is was also important for me to know, because people with these deleterious genes often respond better or differently to certain drugs. lucky me....i am the proud recipient of a BRCA1 defect. and even though i am dedicated to educate people on the importance of this genetic issue; i am certainly no expert on it. however, if you are eager to learn more about it, (and i highly encourage it), my friend ellyn is the BRCA queen, so check out her website. ill bet she knows just as much as any geneticist or genetic counselor!

knowing my BRCA status, we felt it was important for my mom to get tested. we all breathed a sigh of relief when she tested negative, because it seems to affect women more than men. so imagine our surprise, when my father, just one month ago, was diagnosed with a rare and serious form of cancer. though men are less impacted by this gene mutation, it does not exempt them from it. he underwent the genetic testing, and he also is BRCA+. of course it was no surprise, since i had to inherit it from one of my parents. i just thought that if he tested negative, it would maybe explain why im so different from my parents. it would have also been a great dramatic scenario, (a la jerry springer!) but alas....i really am related to them. and like myself, my dad is a winner in the BRCA genetic lottery.

so, it looks like there is no explanation as to why my dad is very literal, believing what he sees, as opposed to myself...who would question the color of the sky if someone suggested it was any color other than blue. nor does it explain why my dad went to medical school, and i couldnt pass any math or science class. but it does answer why my dads sister died of breast cancer at age 30. it was a long time ago, and they didnt know about this mutation in the genetic code back then. hopefully they will keep learning more about it, and one day these cancers can be treated in a prophylactic manner. then we can say that we really did win the jackpot!

a different kind of normal

its been a long time since ive posted anything here. theres a very good reason for that. but thats another whole post for another time.

anyway, i was thinking back at my life, and wishing i could beam back to the 80's again. my teenage years were so happy and carefree. i lived a pretty charmed life inside a protected little bubble. life was easy. life was good. and my biggest problems were deciding what to wear, how to feather my hair so it looked good on both sides, and which losers i should follow around and fawn all over at tally hall. so pathetic. but also very utopian-like. i mean....its kind of what youth should be like. i know bad things happened. it goes without say that there are always shitty things that go on in your lifetime. people get sick, people get in accidents and a myriad other fluke ill-fated things. but i dont really remember all of that. i recall a very "ignorance is bliss" sort of lifestyle. and there always seemed to be so much time. wow! how things have changed!

i know part of it is age.
when you get older, more shit happens.
responsibilities. bills. (which is actually pretty funny, since i wasnt so responsible with my bills!)
and basically realizing that your actions affect other people.

and then theres death.
people die.
and you start to realize just how easy it is to die.
and you appreciate life all the more.

i observe the life of my 4 year old.
i watch.
i listen.

he has had more love and opportunity in his 4 years than most people have in a lifetime. hes a great kid. hes a smart kid. he is fortunate in the fact that we can provide for him to experience lots of different things. and, yup! hes spoiled. and pampered. and sheltered. and yeah...he does live a very charmed life in the same kind of bubble that i grew up in.

but...

does he really?

growing up; my charmed life didnt include cancer. of course i was aware of it. people got it. my aunt died from it. my grandmother did too. so did various family members; but since we didnt have much contact with them, it was far removed. i will never forget a girl i went to middle school with. she had cancer. we knew she wore a wig. she died as well. so yeah...ive always been aware of cancer. but it wasnt all encompassing. it was scattered here and there. people didnt talk about it like they do now. but i also think its because it wasnt as much of an epidemic.

so...back to my son. he was born into cancer. quite literally, actually. i had cancer when i was pregnant with him. but i didnt know it until 6 weeks after his birth. he was a newborn and obviously unaware of all of the crap i was going thru. major surgeries, chemo, testing, testing and more testing. it was a crazy time. i felt guilty i wasnt able to be with him as much as a mother should be with her newborn child. i guess the silver lining in all of this, is that he wasnt aware of my absence, or the very serious situation i was in.

but that was then, and this is now. as any curious mind of a 4 year old; he now asks a lot of questions. we do not shield him from cancer. how could i???? its suuuuch a big part of my daily life. he knows mommie has cancer. he knows its an illness. he knows that wednesday is "chemo day." but thats about it. i dont want him to be scared of it. i dont want him to know how scared i am of it. he has been in the chemo room with me several times; but i would never allow him to see me hooked up to anything. the nurses and staff love him. they spoil him and he think its fun to go there and be the center of attention. of course the donuts dont hurt either! i show him what chemo is, and what i do when i am there. i explain to him how i watch tv and talk with my friends. he definitely has a sugar coated view of cancer. and at 4 years old...he should!

in my blissful candy-coated childhood memories, i remember my mom going to her bowling league luncheons. "bye! have fun and try to get all strikes!" im sure it was in the same sort of nonchalant manner that my kid says to me, "bye mom! have fun at chemo." in my youth, "normal" to me meant coming home to my mom after school. my son thinks its "normal" to have his babysitter pick him up while i go to one of my doctor appointments. as a child, i dont recall my mom ever taking naps. hayden must think all mommies have to take naps. growing up, i was always a hypochondriac. (reading my fathers medical journals didnt help!) i remember pulling a muscle, and crying to my dad, "i have appendicitis! i have to go to the hospital now!" i guess i didnt read too carefully...because it was the wrong side of my body. i was definitely crazed in diagnosing myself with many "ailments." but it was all pretty innocent. fast forward to today. my 4 year old will have a cough, and say, "im sick. i have cancer." ugh. that breaks my heart. first of all, i obviously hope he NEVER has to hear those words. but also because he thinks of cancer as common as a cold. the sad part...is that hes right!

its ridiculous. and although we can protect our children and shield their youth and innocence from many of the worlds tragedies; we cannot hide everything from them. cancer, unfortunately, is one of those things. as much sugar as we try to throw on top of it, its still cancer; and its still everywhere. i hope that despite all of it, my kid can look back on his youth and think of cancer as a little bump in the road. kind of how we look at polio or measles now. i hope he still has a memory of a carefree childhood; just as i do mine. just a different kind of normal.

what a difference a few decades make

youth:
1-never be seen without a designer label.
2-dont wear the same outfit twice.
3-never be caught dead at k-mart or any discount stores.
4-if you happen to buy a cheap bag, (oh, the horror!)...be vague and secretive about its brand and/or price.

now:
1-$13? isnt that a lot of money to spend on a shirt?!
2-try to wear something other than a garment thats been left on the floor for 3 days.
3-shopping day at target is a special occasion to be savored.
4-when being complimented on your new bag; blurt out excitedly "kohls! 24 dollars!!!"