playing doctor

never underestimate what your kids pick up from your every day conversations.

ive been in the hospital a few times for platelet and blood transfusions this week. hayden knows i go to the doctor and make hospital visits. he doesnt really "get it', which is good...but i dont hide it from him either. i sort of "sugar coat" my chemo treatments. hes been in the office, and hes seen the chemo room; tho he has never seen me hooked up to anything. i introduced him to the nurses and they give him lots of atttention and donuts, etcetera. i tell him that i go there for medicine, and i watch tv and talk to my friends. so basicaly...he thinks chemo is fun. i want him to know where i go when i am away from him; but i dont want him to be scared of it either.

anyway...today i was listening to him pretend play. first he was playing with his diego figure and pretending to have a conversation with baby jaguar. this is what he had diego saying to baby jaguar...
"im going to make you better so youre not sick anymore. you have to take benadryl and tylenol, and also have your treatment 5 times today."
(hayden has an asthma treatment twice a day)

but thats not what i found interesting. this is what impressed me.

he was playing "doctor" with his doctor kit, and pretending that the pillow was his patient. he says to the pillow...
"im going to give you a shot now, because you have low blood platelets."

ok... i realize that neither of these play examples are that big of a deal. BUT it does show that kids pay attention. my platelets have been a big issue this week. i was in the hospital twice because of them. but we have never gotten that in detail with hayden about it. all we told him, was i needed medicine in the hospital.

so, im pretty impressed that my 4 year old is picking up on some of these things. maybe hell become an oncologist one day, and find a cure for cancer! who knows!?!?

are you a friend of dorothy?

so...im doing something different today. i am taking a request to write a blog on a particular subject. this is the letter i received...

"i was at the gym and i was listening to this woman speaking behind me and
when i turned and looked, it was this gay guy. Now do you remember we talked
about how gay guys talk? Why do they talk like that? they dont learn it from
their parents. and they dont learn it in school. its not a regional dialect.
they usually start young, so its not from hanging with a bunch of quee...gay
people...what are your thoughts? can you blog about that?"

ok...some background on the person who wrote this to me.

this is a very dear friend of mine from college. it was freshman year, and i was the first person he "came out" to. he was nervous and shaking and crying. the thing is....we all knew he was gay. he wasnt outwardly effeminate, (yeah...i know...generalization)...but we just knew. i was so happy he felt comfortable confiding in me, and doubly happy that he was able to be who he is, and acknowledge it. he was so excited to have a friend to talk about all of his feelings with. he was so eager to take me to the clubs he was going to, and meet the people he was hanging out with, and show me a bit of his life that he kept secretly hidden from us. and this started my foray into the gay scene.

i love gay people. i just do. as a matter of fact; the thing im probably missing most in my life, (other than my ovaries) is my lack of gay friends. i miss my gay life. no...im not gay. (but does it count that my parents actually asked me once if i was gay?) yeah...i tried to explain that being a loser without a boyfriend doesnt necessarily make you a lesbian. which is a good thing, because allegedly i wouldnt have done any better as a lesbian. years and years ago...when i asked my lesbian friend, as we were sitting in a lesbian coffee shop; why no girls ever tried hitting on me, she told me it was very obvious that i was straight. really? it was? hmmm. good thing im not a lesbian....cuz i would have been a loser lesbian without a girlfriend. but since i wasnt, never was, or had any desire to be a lesbian...i was just a very heterosexual loser without a boyfriend. and just for the record to my mom and dad....if i were gay....id have no problem with it. id be chanting loud and clear, "were here! were queer! get used to us!" (oh...and also.....just to give kudos to my parents....when they seriously questioned my sexuality, and i laughed, they did say that they would be accepting of it. yay mom and dad!) anyway....back to my point. im not gay, but i certainly have done my fair share of living the lifestyle. i guess it comes with the art degree and fashion design school. and lets throw living in west hollywood into the mix too.

so, back to the question at hand. why do gay men speak in that certain effeminate accent? hmmm...i still cant figure that one out. im sorry....i just dont know the answer! as far as i know...there is no school or academy to teach gay mannerisms. but this is just one of the many things i dont know the answer to. there are many things i question about the gay community. like, why do gay men want to be more like women, while the lesbians want to be more masculine? (yeah...i know......there are "lipstick lesbians" too. im just generalizing here.)

so, since i cant answer the question....i figured id throw some more speculation into the fire. why is it...that the gay community wants to be accepted as "mainstream" and will preach that they are just like everybody else; and want equal rights...because their lifestyle isnt any different than a heterosexual lifestyle...and meanwhile...they will dress like this....???

i dunno. is this mainstream? of course the gay community deserves equal treatment; just as everybody deserves equality. and dont get me wrong. i LOVE this! ive been to many gay pride parades and gay halloween parades. i L O V E it. and personally...i prefer my gays to be flaming queens like this than the gays who just "want to fit in" with the "mainstream" community. (however...i am an equal opportunity gay lover.) but it does crack me up...because i can just picture my husband dressed like this for a parade! (NOT!)

and by the way...this point was made to me by one of my gay friends. it was his observation...not mine. i assure you...i am in no way criticizing any of this. i promise...no gays were hurt in the writing of this post.

so...does anyone out there have any knowledge, comments or opinions about this? anyone...anyone? bueller? toto?

one of my favorite quotes. just because.

"just remember...you are unique! just like everybody else"

FUCK YOU, CANCER!

dear cancer,

fuck you. i hate you.

and let me just say...that i rarely..if EVER use the word hate. i have no problem with the word FUCK; but HATE is a very, very bad and dangerous word. i admittedly have lived a very charmed life. i havent had much reason to hate. but i am human, and despite my charmed life; i have had my fair share of shit too. who hasnt? and its never been from"things", but from people. who were bad. very bad. and werent honorable or deserving of me. and ya know what? i have never felt hatred towards them. and i have never said i hated them. and trust me. most people would have.

but you? yes....you, cancer!
you can hide.
in bones.
and brains,
and blood.
and lymph nodes.
but i know youre there. and i hate you.

and before i seem ungrateful...id like to state for the record...that even tho you are evil; i am still also very appreciative that you have been fair with me. so thank you for that. and im not complaining. at least not about myself.

...because i have met a lot of great people on my cancer journey. people who i am honored to call "friends." and you are taking them from me! and from their loved ones. from their loving spouses. and their young children. or from their parents. or grandchildren.

and you have obviously not gotten to know them as i have gotten to know them. because if you had...you wouldnt be doing what youre doing. plain and simple.

so today, at the same time when i was happily getting great news about my improving health, a friend of mine wasnt getting that same news. and when i was on facebook tonite "celebrating" and sharing my good news with my friends; my phone rang. i smiled thinking it was someone who was calling to share in the excitement. but as soon as i picked up the phone and heard my friends husband on the other end of the line....i knew. i knew it before he even got past one word, which was my name. i cried. as i have done many times before.

only this is a little bit different. i met her online. she wanted information on a clinical trial i was in. she told me i was her inspiration and her hope. she got into the trial. we met her and her husband in LA, as this is where the trial was. i live in michigan. she in ohio and florida. instant bond. the nicest people. we kept in contact...even after the trial medication stopped working for both of us. we planned on visiting them and staying with them in naples this winter. it didnt happen. i couldnt travel with my crazy chemo schedule. she was in the hospital for a month or so.

i talked to her last week. at first i was nervous, because she had hospice there, and i didnt know what to expect. but she sounded great! and i was encouraged that this was just another bump in the road for her. my last conversation with her ended in me saying "i love you, and you better be ok, because i will freak out if youre not." she responded with, "im still fighting, and you will continue to do so too. for dan and hayden."

i had been thinking of her a lot, and wanted to call her. but i didnt, because i didnt want to bother her. it takes a lot of energy to talk to people when youre sick. i wanted her to have peace and to get stronger. but this afternoon during my chemo treatment; i thought about her. and i decided i was going to call her to check in. i didnt have the chance. she died around the same time i was thinking about her. coincidence? i dont think so. i really dont. nope. nada. doesnt happen that way.

so why do i find solace through my tears? well....her husband had beautiful things to say. he sounded so at peace with it. he is at peace with it. she wasnt in pain and never was. they talked. nothing left unsaid. her wishes were honored. he did everything for her the way she wanted it to be done. he is celebrating her life and all of the beauty and joy they had. they both appreciated their very happy and fruitful life. she died in peace. kind of beautiful actually.

but let me tell you, cancer. i still hate you. im not as nice as my friends husband. and even tho i know she died in a very compassionate way...im still pissed. im pissed that you took a beautiful friend away. im pissed that you have taken many of my friends away. im pissed that you interfere with so much in peoples lives. im just....well....im just pissed!

and by nature, i am not a fighter. im very into love and world peace. but with you...i draw the line. and i will fight you. because this time; you picked the wrong cancer bitch to fuck with.

my morning laugh

this morning, (like every morning), hayden crawls into my bed to cuddle. i notice his pants are off.

me: "hayen...where did your pants go?"

hayden: "i took them off because i peed in them"

me: "when did you do that? in the middle of the night?"

hayden: "no, not really in the middle of the night. it was more like on the side"

the time machine

i love my kids imagination. it cracks me up.

tonite at bed time:

hayden: "mommie...when am i gonna be 3?"

me: "you already were 3. youll never be three again...now youre 4"

hayden: "but i can be 3 again."

me: "really? how?"

hayden: "its a secret. i cant tell you. but i will if you dont tell anyone"

me : "of course im not going to tell anyone"
(for the storys sake....lets just say the blogosphere doesnt count)

hayden: "you can make a machine. and when you go in it, it will take you back to being zero again. and then you can be 3 again. but you can only do it once, because after that it catches on fire!"

dora the whora?

my kid loves watching "dora the explorer". i like dora. i think its a cute show and the kids do learn spanish from it. we also like "diego", who happens to be doras cousin. we like him, because hes an animal rescuer. we are huge animal lovers and have even done a little animal rescue-ing ourselves. however...diego rescues jaguars and sloths. we stick mostly to the canine and feline variety.

anyway.....a while back, diane sent me an article about how mattel and nickelodeon were coming out with a new "tween" dora. a more grown up version for the "high school musical" and "hannah montana" crowd.

this is what my response back to her was:

omg! awesome.
they should give her implants and hair extensions. she
should wear short skirts and belly shirts. then they should have her getting out of cars and flash her coochie with no underwear on. oh...she should take nude pics to post on the internet and of course make a sex tape. miley and paris...watch out! theres a new hoochie mama in town. dora the whora!

well...diane thought that was really funny. i think its kinda funny too. but moms all over the country? they didnt find it funny at all. they wrote letters and e mailed and posted things all over the internet about how it wasnt right to make a wholesome character like dora into a sexy "tween" figure. blah blah blah. first of all...ill never understand how these people have the time to pursue formal complaints about things like this. secondly...ill never understand why they care. seriously.....my tv has over 500 or so channels. dontcha think they can find something else for their kid to watch? but as always, people like to moan and bitch and complain. and meanwhile...its probably their church going husbands (just sayin!) who are locked in the bathroom with magazine pics of the new "tween" dora.

whatever....i digress.

so....they just released the new "tween" dora.

this is her:

this is what moms all around the country got all steamed over! crazy! she looks pretty wholesome to me. (personally...i liked my idea and description better.) and im guessing, that along with their perverted husbands, that their sweet, innocent "tween" daughters dress way more provocatively than dora. (just sayin!)

and dora is just hanging out in the jungle, speaking spanish, going on adventures and climbing mountains. and what are their perfect angelic "tween" daughters doing? well....theyre going on adventures too. but it most likely involves boys. and spanish? no. more like spanish fly. and these boys? theyre the ones hanging out in your daughters jungle, and climbing her mountains. (just sayin!)

so. the moral of the story? who knows. i have a hard time staying with a single thought process. i guess dora was on my mind because the image was just released, and its being discussed all over the internet and tv. but i do have to giggle a bit. i wish i had the time to freak out about something so trivial and inconsequential. i think if these moms stopped caring about stupid shit, like doras new wardrobe, than maybe their "tween" daughters wouldnt be "tween moms" themselves.

yeah.

just sayin.

quote of the day

hayden: "mommie, i dont like cheap stuff"

he might look like like my husband...but hes ALL me! :)

to my baby...on his 4th birthday

every year i write hayden a letter on his birthday. he was 6 weeks old when i was diagnosed with cancer. at that point...i wasnt sure how long id be around. so when i saw him turn 1, i wrote the first letter, to let him know how happy i was to celebrate his birthday with him. and ive continued to write these letters. this is my fourth one! and honestly...i do not share those letters with anyone. they are put in a box...a different box for each year. they are for hayden. but for some strange reason...i feel the need to post this letter. no idea why! but when i feel strongly about something, i do it. so here it goes....

03-06-09

to my (most of the time!) sweet, precious baby boy,

i havent re-read all of the previous letters i have written to you on your other birthdays; but im pretty sure they all start out somewhat the same. basically...how time flies so fast, and i cant believe my little baby; really isnt a baby anymore.

let me first tell you how you spent your last day of being 3 years old. you were sick; just like you were on your 3rd birthday. oddly enough...you havent been sick all winter. but we are trying all we can do to get you better before your party. last year, all of your friends had fun at your party, while you sat in grandma vicky's arms sick. we dont want to repeat it this year. we are having a "yo-yo party" for you tomorrow. what is a "yo-yo party", you might ask? well..were not really sure. but we asked what you wanted for your 4th birthday party, and this is what you came up with. just like everything else you do...you have quite the creative imagination.

so, while trying to get you healthy yesterday, i couldnt help but reflect on all of the things that are passing by so quickly. comforting you today, i am reminded how i used to rock you in my arms or in the rocking chair. now we can barely fit together on that very same chair. and when i was rubbing your hands, i remember how they used to be so tiny...and fit in the palm of my hand. your little hand curled around just one of my fingers. and last night when i put you in the shower to open your lungs by breathing in the steam, you seemed so grown up and independent. you wanted the soap so you could "soap yourself up". i remember holding you in one arm over the sink, while bathing you with a squirt bottle. its so crazy, hayden. i can see it and feel it, like it was yesterday. and i realized, as i got in the shower with you, that very soon....i wont be able to do that. and i will soooo miss the sweet innocence of having you as my little baby.

at the same time, im so excited to see what the future brings to all of us. we all enjoy you so much. just seeing all that you are learning and doing. its the best thing in the world. you bring us so much joy! youre so smart, that it sometimes scares me. i wonder how you know the things you know. and all along, i thought i was the one teaching you. every day i am reminded, of just how much you teach me. you are an old soul. i see it and feel it in your eyes. i feel it in my entire being. i truly believe, without a doubt; that you are my healer. the way you comfort me. the way you gently stroke my cheek. the way you take my hand and kiss it. the way you innately know just what i need. the things you so purely give. you are such a sweet and generous soul. it astounds me; what you, at 4 years old, are capable of. you have a sixth sense. and i am quite often amazed by it.

you recently asked me, "mommie, how did you get me?" i tried to explain to you, that daddie and i love each other so much. so much so, that we had extra love to give, and we wanted to share it with a baby. we were the ones who wanted you; but you were the one who picked us. you gave me and daddie a family. and 4 years ago today...the true purpose of my life began.

today, when i look at our kitchen window and see all of your "projects" hanging up, i am literally ensconced in my lifelong dream. this is what i have always wanted. you are what i always wanted. and i know that the reason i am here on earth...is to be your mother. i know you dont understand this. but one day...you will. and i hope so much that i am here to see it and share it with you. all i want...is to always be here for you. and i hope you know that in some shape or form...i always will be.

you are my world, and i love you so much!

happy 4th birthday baby

mommie

xoxo

what a difference a day makes!

hayden at 3 years old   03-05-09

hayden at 4 years old  03-06-09

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABY!

channeling pee wee herman

pee wee herman's scooter

hayden's scooter

*he decorated it himself. and he doesnt know who pee-wee herman is.

random conversations with hayden

(while watching mickey mouse and mickey says, "ooooh toooodles")

me: "im gonna toodle your tush!" (tickle him)

"im gonna toodle your tummy!" (tickle him")

(hes giggling)

hayden: "im gonna toodle your breasts!"

(i try to teach him the real names of body parts)

i know..it sounds kind of pervert-ish...but really...i assure you it was cute and innocent. and no...i didnt let him toodle my breasts!

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my dad (papa) and i were looking at his globe last night, and hayden was playing across the room)

papa: "hayden, where is brazil?"

hayden: "its next to chile"

(we had to check out the globe to see if he was right. he was!)

-------

every morning we run late for school. i always tell him that we cant screw around or well be late

(in car upon arriving at school early)

me: "wow...were here early hayden. im not used to this.

 how did we get here so early"?

hayden: " maybe because i didnt screw around today!"

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(upon returning home from spanish class. hayden has a picture he colored of a person)

hayden "i drew this in spanish mommie. all the kids drew their mommie,

 but i drew auntie diane"

me: "really! why is that?"

hayden: "because auntie diane is the best one in our family!"

(*note to self. dont invite auntie diane back!) kidding di!

-------

ask most almost 4 year olds what they want for their birthday. cars? dolls? toys?

haydens response?

"i want an accordion. and a tangerine" (tambourine!)

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nikki, (babysitter) was driving hayden in the car.

hayden:  "i like when i go to the symphony downtown"

nikki:   "what downtown? downtown birmingham?"

hayden:   "no...the downtown where you go

 on that road, 'the 10' all the way down."

(im pathetic with freeways and directions and dont really know them around here. but he happens to be correct. the 10 freeway is the one we go on to get downtown)

*if i would have known he knew directions so well...i could have saved money on the GPS in my car)