someone elses trash? MY treasure!

its pretty common to have dated many people before you finally get married. and when you live in a small"ish" town, people kind of get "recycled" several times over. i never had this problem. first of all...i never dated anyone in high school. (what can i say?...guys didnt dig me.) and then i moved out west for college. so, i didnt date anyone from my town. (well...maybe a few people here and there, but only when i was in town visiting my family. nothing really substantial). so, i dont have the issue of running into exes or past dates. and i guess the metal bars on a prison cell are also a good reason for not running into certain exes. (him on the inside...me on the outside. just incase you were wondering.)

my husband? like most people who continued to live here after high school, he has pretty much dated everyone. and its a standing joke with us now; because he has dated most of my friends, (and/or their sisters!) and i LOVE my friends. theyre great! so ive asked him why he didnt wind up with any of them. almost in a tone of me wanting him to have wound up with them. like.... "hunny....i just LOVE (so and so)....how come youre not with her?!" my humble and very modest husband always had the same reply. "its not that i didnt like them. they didnt like me! and most of them totally blew me off!" and he also proceeds to tell me that the reason why he dated me, is because i was the only one who liked him and would go out with him again. (however, i know for a fact, that is just NOT true!) plus....why the hell did he even want to go out with me? all i did was talk about how much i disliked lawyers! what can i say?...*it was at a time when i was dealing with really mean lawyers. and i never had to deal with lawyers in the past.
(*note: see the above example regarding prison bars)

anyway...i can see why he wasnt what most girls, (including myself), would go for. for one thing...hes NICE. and a GENTLEMAN. my hunny is the best thing ever. he makes me so happy, and i am grateful every day that i found him. i think i have the perfect catch. i LOVE him! i ADORE him! BUT, he was an acquired taste. i thought he was nice when i first met him. but i wasnt blown over with his presence. or his shoes. or his hair. or pretty much anything he was wearing. (but really...who was looking anyway?) also...add to the mix that i wasnt much interested in meeting anyone at the time.

so....now, my friends and i will talk about our past relationships and our marriages now. and they tell me how great it is that i have the most wonderful husband and how lucky i am; blah, blah, blah. but i cant help by sometimes adding, "well...if hes so great, how come YOU didnt want him?" (and of course im joking.....not everyone is on the same page at the same time, and a myriad other reasons why certain pairings dont work.) but they usually say things like, "i was so stupid back then"...or "i didnt know what i really wanted." and once again...of course i get it! ive done the same thing.

so...id like to say THANK YOU to all of my friends, (and their sisters), for allowing me to come in and swoop away my hunny from you! im tempted to sing in their face, while sticking my thumbs in my ear with my tongue out, "ha ha, ha ha-ha...i got him and yooooou diiiiiiidnt!" but i cant do that either, because my friends have snagged some pretty amazing spouses as well. and that makes me so happy. it makes me even happier that now we have the greatest 'couple friends' that we enjoy so much!

and by the way...unlike the title of this post...im not referring to my husband as trash! for the record...he is referred to as "the other asshole". (which of course...is an inside joke!) but it wouldnt really matter if it wasnt a joke; because he doesnt read my blog anyway!

hi! im lori. and you are....?

sometimes i hear thru the grapevine, that "so and so" reads my blog.  im usually surprised. "really?" ill say. "i didnt know they knew i even had a blog!" 

i also have a tracking system that shows where the readers come from. ive only looked at it a few times. but i was shocked when i did check it out. people from all over the world! sweden! finland! australia! bizarre. 

i know a lot of those countries came from my friend peters blog. peter is incredibly smart and his writings confuse the hell out of me. thankfully, his other blog includes some things i actually understand...and care about. (science?...not so interesting to me.)

so i assume that people who read his blog, (and can understand it), are intelligent people. what they think of my little blog? couldnt really tell ya!

anyway....

this is what i am asking you.

add a comment! 

its easy. even my mother can do it! she doesnt even know how to "cut and paste" in a document! you just click on "anonymous", and follow the prompts. if you want me to know your name...you need to write it on the comment. if not...im fine with that. i respect your privacy. or your involvement in the witness protection program. whatevs.

be sure to tell me: 

who you are

where you live

how you found my blog

why you read it

what you think about it

im just curious! so introduce yourself! ive introduced my self! and really...its only the polite thing to do! 

what married people talk about in restaurants

it all started with this picture:

me: "look hunny; we get boobs at this table!"

dan: "oh yeah! i like this place"

me: "and look...its pornographic. someone is groping her boob"

dan: "yeah! wow"

we order dinner.

then i study the picture a little bit longer.

me: "no...wait. nobody is grabbing her boob. its her own hand."

dan: "it is?"

me: "yeah. see how the arm is off the page? if you follow the arm around; you see that its her arm."

dan: "oh yeah." (pauses) "theyre nice boobs"

me: "well theyre  obviously fake!"

dan: (without skipping a beat) "oh they totally are!"

to a 4 year old; love is...concrete

driving mr hayden

(chauffeuring him to camp)

hayden: "mommie, do you love my daddie?"
me: "of course i love your daddie!"
hayden: "you do?"
me: "yes! i love him very much! we are very lucky, because we have a lot of love in our family"
hayden: (pause) "we have more than that, mommie."
me: "we do? what else do we have, baby?"
hayden: "we have a basement"*

?!?!?!?

*actual word used was 'basenint'. i keep telling him its a basement, but he insists that its a basenint. doesnt matter what its called.... apparently were just lucky to have one!

what a difference a catalog can make

i remember vividly the end of last winter. it was still cold out, but the thought of spring was already melting the ice. i had gone to get the mail from the mailbox. and there it was! confirmation!!! that, yes, indeed...spring was right around the corner. it was sitting there in all its glory. my hands couldnt wait to open it and touch all of the glossy pages. it was....

A CATALOG!

a SPRING catalog!

and even tho it certainly didnt feel like spring, i envisioned myself in a white sarongy, flowy thing..running on the beach. a deserted beach! my hair cascading in the wind. kind of like a woman in a vagisil or tampon ad. hayden and dan were behind me; decked out in matching spring sweaters. they were cable knit! they were cream colored! and they wore jeans rolled up with bare feet. willoughby was running in and out of the crashing waves; fetching sticks. it was sunrise. no, wait! maybe it was sunset. oh who cares? there was a sun involved!

ahhhhhh.

ok, back to reality.

i was outside freezing my ass off. and my fingers were too numb to breeze thru those glossy pages. and the scenario? although nice, the only thing "flowing" over the white "flowy" sarongy thing, would most likely be my flabby fat.

i dont really have any hair, so forget about the cascading part. unless of course you want to consider the 10 strands of hair on each side of my head.

i love the idea of dan and hayden so perfectly matched.

but in reality, dan would insist on wearing gym shoes.

with white tube socks.

and hayden? he would dress himself in one of his fine creations.

sweatpants, (of course)! maybe the green camouflage ones which are 2 sizes too small; and end about 4 inches above his ankles.

a t-shirt. probably dirty, and which again, is too small. like a cropped shirt, (a la britney, circa the 1990's).
lets complete the ensemble with his signature look...socks with sandals! and duh! he likes striped socks. 

pretty, right?!

and it doesnt end with the clothing visual.

willoughby? i love him. but hes a freak of a dog in desperate need of therapy. (just like his mother!) hed be scared of the waves. hed be shaking with fright. and hed be trying to run back to the car.

hayden would probably be torturing him and throwing sand.

id be trying to get the situation in control, but lose my patience, since i dont have much to begin with anyway. id get flustered and get all twisted up in my flowy sarong thing.

dan? dan would be mellow. and hed just laugh at me, saying, "hes only 4!" or "leave willoughby alone, hes just a dog! what do you expect?"

the sun? it wouldnt matter. because by the time i got my shit together...the sun would most likely be gone. and it would be dark. and id get anxiety about the dark and deserted beach. which is fine, because id start having panic attacks and want to leave anyway.

fast forward to today.
the mail. in the mailbox.

a CATALOG!
a FALL catalog!

the depression starts to hit and i immediately feel a chill in the air.

winter. snow. gray.

without a thought, i toss the catalog in the recycle bin.

hmmm.....

wait a minute.

i have a vision.

wouldnt it be so cute for all of us to wake up with matching pajamas and sip hot cocoa by the fireplace?!

Q: what do you get when you cross david spade with a hassidic jew?

A: ME!

_________________

here is a pic of david spade as "joe dirt". (a movie i never saw)

now; if you will, (or can), imagine this hairstyle, but not as long...(on top or on bottom). and not nearly as thick. kinda like a crew cut with 15 long strands of hair hanging from it.

(i know...its a pretty visual, right?)

_____________

...and just to add to the charm of the look...imagine that there are no long strands covering the back of the head, but only on the sides.

kind of like this...

______________

if you combine the two looks, along with a "sweep-over", you get....

yup! thats my hairstyle!

(im not sure i have the guts to post a pic of my hair without it swept back into a comb over. i might have to reconsider doing it tho...because its just too funny)

* a PC side note:

....this isnt a predjudice type of post against jews. or david spade for that matter.

for the record, i am jewish.

as for david spade, i think hes hysterical. but i didnt think that so much when i had an encounter with him in a restaurant in arizona in 1987. (any of my arizona friends remember flakey jakes?!)

anyway...weird story.

he was with a friend sitting at the table directly above me. he thought it was funny to casually keep throwing napkins down on our table. no big deal, but not so cute either. it was before he was well known. i only recognized him, because we had JUST gotten out of a movie, that he was in, before we went to that restaurant! it must have been his first, or one of his first movies. police academy 4. it sucked. cant criticze him tho. he was born in birmingham, michigan, (near where i live), and he went to ASU. a fellow sundevil! he was a business major. shocking.

i certainly wasnt!

who knew hed become so famous?

and who knew id be sporting his mullet hairstyle one day!