breakfast and body parts

one day at breakfast:

hayden: "mommie, girls have penises."
me: "no baby, only boys have a penis."
hayden: "what do girls have?"
me: "um...they dont have a penis."
hayden: "then what do they have?"
me: "girls have vaginas. "
hayden: "vagina?"
me: "yes, thats right. a vagina."
(brief pause)
hayden: "mommie....can i see your vagina?"
me: "um...no baby. some things we keep private."
(he giggles and eats his toast)

the next day at breakfast:

hayden: "mommie... some girls have penises and some boys have vaginas."
me: "ummmm...hmmm. well, i guess youre kind of right. but we can get to that later.
for now, lets just say that girls have vaginas and boys have penises."
(quirky smiles and giggles)

another brilliant idea backfired

it all started pretty routinely. i was getting hayden ready for bed. he gets his asthma inhaler, and is supposed to rinse his mouth out with water and then brush his teeth. but he takes the water cup and instead of rinsing his mouth with it...decides to pour the water all over me. i get angry. i yell. (i know....bad. but cant help it.) so i clean up the water, which is all over the place, and hang my pants to dry off. i put him to bed. the next morning, we go thru the same routine. only this time....he sips the water...and decides to spit it all over me. ergh. my patience is already dwindling. he thinks its hysterical. the more he laughs...the more pissed off i get. but i clean all the water up, and we get dressed.

i tell my mom the story. she says, "did you have him clean up his mess?" (hmm....no. i didnt think about that.) "well...you should make him clean up the mess he makes." point noted. later on...i tell dan the story. he says, "you should take the water and spill it all over him. see how much he likes it". well...this one im not so sure about. i generally dont believe its the best idea to teach a kid not to do something, by doing it to him. example...how do you teach a child its not ok to hit, by hitting him? so i tell him i dont know about that idea, but ok... point noted.

ok...so later that night he does the same thing again and laughs. (i know...i deserve this one. i was wrong to give him the benefit of the doubt.) so i get really frustrated and i take the water cup and throw water all over him. and he laughs! so i get more pissed off and throw more water on him...this time on his head! and hes just laughing and laughing. the floor, step stool with the puzzle pieces, bath rugs and counter is soaking wet. then i say..."now you have to clean up this mess!" he excitedly gets the towel, and says, "ok mom!" and proceeds to wipe things all over and thinks its soooo much fun. "look mom...now im cleaning the sink. and now im gonna clean the floor." the more he "cleans", the messier it gets. the water is just pouring more on to the floor. so i tell him ill finish the rest. but no! hes having so much fun cleaning! "i just have one more spot left mommie. im gonna get this spot first." i finally get him out of the bathroom. im soaking wet. im annoyed. im on my hands and knees wiping up what seems to be gallons of water. im sweating. i feel like cinderella. (pre-ball). then i have to clean him up. change his pajamas, and calm him down for bed. i just added on an extra half an hour of bedtime "duties."

keep in mind....my kid doesnt go to sleep easily or early. it takes a lot of time to get him ready for bed. and by the end of the day...im exhausted. im lucky if hes sleeping by 10 pm. so this just puts me over the edge. my trying to teach him a lesson totally backfired, and just caused me more work and frustration.

thanx for the advice mom! thanx for the advice dan!
brilliant.

our new house guests

hayden and i made this bird house last year. we made it as a project. you can see its lost some of its cute decorations. anyway....we have a feeder hanging from the bird house; which you cant see in this picture. i took the feeder off to fill it with food, and a bird came flying out right at me. it scared the shit out of me. but im thrilled! i had no idea a bird would actually move in. they must have known how spoiled our animals are, and wanted a piece of the action. anyway. it turns out that they built a whole nest in there, with twigs and leaves. theres a baby in there, who pops his head out and the mother comes and feeds him (or her.) you can hear them talking to each other. the. cutest. thing. ever! i asked hayden to name the birds. he named the mommie bird "anya", and the baby bird, "minnow". i have no idea where he came up with those names. but arent our house guests soooo cute!? 

*update....hayden just changed the babys' name to "minowanna". i dunno....maybe its an american indian bird!? which is cool...because were all about world peace and acceptance of all cultures and creeds; living together in harmony.  we did at one time consider adopting a child from china. we never thought wed get an indian bird instead! thats ok tho. its cheaper, doesnt need a college fund, and we didnt have to travel around the world to get it! 

** second update.....dan just said that "minowanna" sounds like "marijuana".

olympic observation

i watched the girls gymnastics the other night. i like watching the gymnasts; because i used to do it. (well...not like they do it, but you know what i mean!) anyway, it never ceases to amaze me that these people can flip and flop their bodies the way they do. the balance beam totally freaks me out. how is it even possible to do that shit on a 4 inch wide beam???? its not right. its weird. almost as weird as a plane being able to fly in the air. so while i was watching this and wondering these things.....i changed my focus to their hair. how is humanly possible to get it all slicked back into a ponytail that tight? and doesnt it give them the headaches?

just wondering...

john edwards.

ok....so im not a big fan of the news. i prefer reality tv. but im watching the news about the john edwards affair; because quite frankly... it is reality, right?

so, here is what im wondering. he had an affair. ok. he lied. ok. whats so shocking about this? i know very little about politics. but this is as basic as it gets. like politics 101. hes a politician! isnt infidelity a job requirement?

sometimes, i actually think!

i had chemo yesterday, and when i got back from "the office", i had a lot of energy. its because of the steroids i get before my treatment. anyway...i decided to work in my garden. i find it a good time to just think to myself. so these were my totally random thoughts...

random thought #1- "i gave birth to eddie haskell!"
my dad watched hayden while i was at chemo with dan. they went to the park, and then to lunch at "whistle stop", because thats where hay wanted to go. my dad gave me the full report. he was a complete and perfect angel. he sat at the restaurant and behaved the whole time. they had conversations. blah, blah, blah. i asked my dad, "did he scream at the top of his lungs? did he jump up and down on the seat? did he spit at you? did he bite you? did he throw food all over the table or floor?" you know...his new favorite things to do on public excursions. "no", said my dad, "i dont know what youre talking about! hes a great kid and very well behaved!" well...yes...he IS a great kid, and he CAN be very well behaved. he was perfect every day of his 2nd year. but then he turned 3. i love the kid. A LOT! but ill tell ya....he knows how to piss me off, hes good at it, and he enjoys doing it. "look daddie! im making mommie mad! heee heee hee." i know...hes 3. its a game. but i see how he works. hes generally great with everybody. but for some reason...he likes to harrass me. most of the time...people dont see this. they see cute, sweet and adorable hayden. i guess the good thing about this...is that he can turn on the charm with other people. thats a good trait to have, right? it worked for eddie haskell. maybe itll do something for him later on in life. i just hope hes not 35 years old, and still jumping on tables and throwing foods in restaurants. and while were at it...i also hope hes potty trained.

random thought #2- "weeds are just like cancer"
it doesnt matter what you do. you can pick the weeds. you can spray the weeds. but theyre annoying, and they always keep on coming back and growing. just like cancer.

random thought #3-"i still need a vacation. wheres the nearest lazy river?"
everybody has fantasies. money, sex, whatever. my fantasy involves a lazy river and a tube. when people go on honeymoons, they usually want to go someplace romantic or secluded. not us. we went to hawaii, but instead of chosing a more "adult friendly" and quiet resort, we chose the "kid friendly" hotel with a water park instead. dan and i spent many hours floating down the lazy river. it was heaven. i really need a lazy river right now!

random thought #4- "did my dad actually tell me that i should rest?"
my family doesnt know the meaning of "rest". especially my dad. hes go go go. always going! im not even sure where the hell hes going....but hes going. when i was growing up....there was nothing i liked to do more than "rest". it bugged the shit out of my parents. i had very few rules growing up, and i had a lot of freedom. i didnt need many rules, and my parents will be the first to tell you that i was a really good kid. (because i was!) but in high school, i remember vividly having two rules. the first rule was that every day, i needed to either watch the news, or read the newspaper. BORING! i chose to watch the news. it took less energy to sit on the couch, than it did to turn the pages of the newspaper. im still not a fan of the news. when they have something good to report...maybe ill start watching it. until then...who needs to be depressed? anyway...the second rule, was that on the weekends, i needed to be out of my bed, and out of the house at a reasonable morning AM hour. i wasnt allowed to mope inside. they didnt care what i did...as long as i did SOMETHING! i remember most of my time was spent at the mall, or at tally hall. whatever. so...the other day, as i was sweating and picking weeds, my dad said, "you should really relax and get some rest". i almost dropped my clippers and watering pail right then and there. 'did my dad actually tell me i should REST?' holy shit. thats weird. does he feel ok? i mean...i know i just had chemo, but thats still weird! rest?!?! my parents wanted me to rest?!?!? so i eventually did, because my parents are always right. at least thats what they tell me. but i didnt watch the news. i found my stupid reality shows to be way more entertaining and less depressing. and i think that as dumb as denise richards is; that i still learn more from her than i do from george bush.

so...those were some random thoughts. i know. my mind is sort of schizophrenic.

royal conversation

daddie: who is the prince of the house?
hayden: hayden
daddie: whos the king?
hayden: daddie
daddie: whos the queen?
hayden: diane
daddie: then what is mommie?
hayden: mommie is the helper
mommie: who is the royal dog?
hayden: you, mommie!

im not sure which is better. being the helper or the being the dog?!

my daddie

my dad sent me this pic from his phone with the caption, "wish you were here". umm... NO! thank god im not there!!! yes...it is beautiful. but did i mention that he hiked up that mountain? and let me tell you about the day after this hike. he went on a bike ride with his friend, steve. apparently they rode over some sharp thorns, or whatever it was that was all over from the trees. they ended up with 4 flat tires and had to hitch hike back to their car.

my dad is on "vacation" right now in tahoe. he went for a few days to enjoy the great outdoors.

i inherited my defective BRCA gene, (the one responsible for my cancer), from my dad. i inherited my dads blue eyes. i inherited my dads annoyance with ringing phones. however...i did not inherit his zest for adventure. example....a past trip to aspen. by the time i had gotten out of bed...my parents had already been to the gym, and hiked up a mountain to have breakfast at the restaurant on the slopes. another example....one time when they visited me in LA, we woke up early and went to the beach to rollerblade. then we had breakfast. then went on a walk. then we went shopping. then we had lunch. then we ran around doing whatever else we did. they had completely worn me out. i said i needed a rest, so we went back to my apartment. i zonked out on the floor in complete exhaustion. my dad was sitting in my bean bag chair. i kid you not...no exaggeration... a half hour later he says, "ok...we rested. now what?"

so when i was younger, yet old enough to stay by myself...i opted to not go on "vacation" with my parents. thankfully, my brother was always up for whatever "vacation" my parents planned. my idea of a "vacation" doesnt include tour busses and 14 hours of exploring the countryside. ditto with having to see every church ever built in europe. nor does it involve hiking, biking or skiing. basically... if it doesnt include a pool, a spa and sitting on my ass eating tropical fruit and drinking bright colored blended drinks....then its NOT a "vacation". and just to be fair to my parents...i will admit that they DID take us on plenty of "vacations" which included all of the above. (i did however, always have to be on guard when they would say, "lets leave the hotel today and explore the town." ummm...no...ill stay by the pool and order cabana service, thank you very much!)

ive been to tahoe, and i agree with my dad....it is a beautiful place. i recall shopping in the stores in town and taking note of how beautiful it was to see the lake and the mountains surrounding it. i couldnt be happier that my dad is enjoying his "vacation" and snapping pics of the views he hiked up to see. but me? hiking up a mountain on my "vacation" sounds like torture. i was very content to buy a postcard.

help! i need a vacation!...but how can i get away from ME?

i have been completely on edge lately. just too much going on and i am stressed out. normally...i am very laid back. not much phases me. (this excludes anything that entails patience!) my goal for this summer was to not have any set plans. i wanted to be carefree and concentrate on ME! not only on getting cancer free, but getting mentally healthy as well. (and trust me....that is WAY more challenging and difficult than getting rid of cancer!) my "plan" included meditation, yoga, cooking healthy and delicious meals, and basically living a more healthy, stress free, "zen" lifestyle.

well...as everything else in life, things usually dont go as we plan them. i am no exception. my palm is filled with "to do" lists up the wazzoo. my phone constantly rings. (i know..."poor me" to have so many wonderful, caring friends.) and my car is on auto-pilot to hospitals and dr. offices. hayden has his allergist, willoughby has his vets, and me...well i can keep every doctor in town in business. i havent made the time to go to yoga, and when i try meditation...all i can do is think about the stuff i have to do. and my stresses go on and on.

so i expressed to dan, my desire to go on a vacation. wait! scratch that! i expressed my NEED for a vacation. i have visions of an extremely overpriced hotel with frette 1000+ count sheets, no other people, (excluding room service and butler), sandy beaches, palm trees, spa, frou-fou icy blended drink in hand (complete with pineapple slice and cherry garnish and umbrella), and most important...my most favorite-est thing in the world...A LAZY RIVER! (*side note....i actually researched installing a lazy river in my backyard. unfortunately....we live in michigan, in a house, in a subdivision. when we move to a sprawling estate in the middle of nowhere, ill research it more thoroughly.)

heres the problem. my vision of a perfect vacation would include having my son and animals with me. all of which bring me extreme happiness, yet also seem to be the root of most of the stresses in my life. (solution: bring nanny and animal caretakers). ditto for the cell phone and computer. i love the idea of being phone and computer free; but it also panics me a bit. (solution: dan said we could hire a social secretary to be in charge of my phone. good idea! i might check into that.) and obvioulsy a perfect vacation would include...ME! but the number one stress in my life is....ME! (solution: cant figure that one out! develop multiple personalities and send one of them? put my tumors in a peetrie dish until i return?) i dunno...even with my very creative ideas, i am just stumped on a solution for this one.