cock-a-doodle-doo! ...its time to milk the family

im like a farmer. except for tending to my crops, chickens and cows...i have my family and medications to deal with. i wake up, and make sure willoughby gets his first set of eye drops, and pepcid for his stomach. then an hour later, he gets 2 anti-biotics, and a med for his gall bladder stone. then hayden gets his breathing treatment (asthma and allergies). i take my first pill of calcium/vitamin d. 3pm...willoughby gets one more pill. then again at 8 pm he gets his eyedrops again and his anti-biotic. i take my set of pills, (not cancer related....fish oil pills, my second dose of calcium and my "crazy pills"). hayden gets his breathing inhaler again, and a nose spray. at 11 pm, willoughby gets his last anti-biotic for the day.

this may not seem like that much. but it is. i didnt include the fighting i have to do with willoughby to get the drops in his eyes and the pills down his throat. with hayden, (like everything with hayden), it takes me 15 minutes to do a 3 second job. im lucky if i dont forget to take my pills...but im last on the totem pole.

anyway...im adding being a pharmacist to my list of professions which i have acquired from not having a "job". im off to fight with hayden to get him to do his inhaler so i can get him dressed and to camp. then i have to shove food in his mouth so hell eat something. then i have to fight with the dog and the pills. were late, as usual...but im writing this so i dont have to watch "blues clues", and hayden insists on watching it to the end.

...and so another day begins on my "funny farm".

happy birthday hunny!

july 28th....we celebrated my hunnys birthday. hes not only the best husband in the world; but hes one of the most amazing and special people ive ever known. im so happy and lucky i married him. 

we had a very low key celebration...no bells and whistles. dinner at benihana with the family. in the car on the way to dinner, we asked hayden what he wanted for dinner. he told us he wanted steak. we realized that at 3 years old, he has no idea what mcdonalds is. but he knows capital grille. thats my kid!

hayden is a saint at benihana. he

is so entertained by the guy cooking at the table...he didnt even move. hes been there before, and hes always really well behaved. so ive decided we should eat there every night! he even uses chopsticks. now i wish he would teach his father.

happy birthday hunny! i loooove you! mwaaaa!

xoxo

willoughby. the 6 million dollar wonder dog.

i got willoughby on sale. i wasnt in the market for a new dog, but i happened to see him in a window, at a pet store in a mall. im totally against pet stores, but i went in anyway. i cant resist animals. so...i played with him in the play area. he was a freak. he only wanted to go back into his cage. what dog wouldnt want to get OUT of there? well...that should have been my first clue. anyway...so, while i was trying to play with him; he was trying to scurry back into his tiny cell. and i dropped him! and he was limping! i felt awful. so later that night, i called the store to check on him. he was totally fine. but i went back the next day to visit him. and the next day. and the next day. i was hoping he would have been adopted. but he was still there. the guy said that most people wanted labs, or poodles. nobody had heard of his breed, so he was still there, and therefore...on sale! so this is how i became the proud owner of a 50% off, 4 month old chinese crested powderpuff.

well....my little discounted dog has turned out to cost way more than most people spend on themselves! the 600 bucks i saved that day has been spent thousands of times over on him in the past 12 years. and i can honestly say that he was and IS worth every cent. he is a lucky dog that i was the one who adopted him, right? well...sorta. yes...he is lucky. but im lucky too. because i may have saved him that day at the mall, but in reality...he was the one who rescued me. and in more ways than one. sounds kinda hokey. but its absolutely true.

so fast forward over the years to his bladder stones. and bladder surgery. and cancer scare. and lots of other scares, which he has seemed to dodge. and how bout his cataracts. and his cataract/eye surgery. and i didnt stop there. i spent extra money to have lenses put in his eyes; even tho dogs dont need lenses to see. (i didnt want to jip him off.) his eyes cost me $3,000. worth it...because it has given him years of vision. last year, he went instantly blind. freaked me out. but he dodged another bullet. he is still blind in one eye, but with the help of a very expensive veterinary opthamologist and some very expensive eyedrops, (3 of them, twice a day), he has regained vision and has kept it in the other eye.

now willoughby is 12 years old, and every little health scare freaks me out. i have nightmares about it. really, i do. so the other night was no exception, when he got really sick. he was throwing everything up. even water. i knew something was wrong, because he was peeing on the carpet for weeks. its his way of telling me something is wrong. (hes done it before. i still managed to yell at him anyways...and yes...i do feel guilty). so at 1 am, my mom came to sleep over with hayden, and dan and i took willoughby to the hospital. he had a ton of tests done, and he just looked so sick. he lost 4 pounds. thats a lot when you only weigh 17 to begin with. he was so skinny. and he hates the vet, but was so calm that nite. he knew he needed help. he had labs, bloodwork, x-rays and ultrasounds. he was severely dehydrated; so he was hooked up to an IV. we had to admit him as in-patient. so at 4 am, we left him at the hospital, where he stayed for 2 days and nights.

with as crazy and busy as my house is...(and really...its a zoo...), it was totally lonesome without willoughby. he was so missed. i called to check in on him throughout the days. i didnt visit him, because i didnt want him to see me and get upset when i left. (so i sent my dad!) anyway...the hospital staff was amazing and talked about him like he was a person. exactly as i talk about him. im happy to report, that he has been diagnosed with something treatable. he has a gall stone, and pancreatitus. his insides were a bit screwed up, but he is ok. so he got the "all clear" at 9 pm the other night, and at 10 pm he was officially discharged.

now here we are... a few thousand dollars poorer, and with even more expensive medications which he is to take 4 times a day. and he has a new diet too. no more table food or treats. so i actually baked for him! yup! i dont cook for my family, but for my little doggie...i broke out the cooking trays and baked his new wet food into bite sized treats.

and once again...it is all worth it, because right now he is sound asleep, on my feet at the end of the bed, where he has been for almost 13 years, and where he belongs.

just another day at the "office"...

so yesterday i went into the "office", (aka, the chemo room), and as with other jobs i have had in the past....my social life got in the way of the work i was there to do. my new doctor, (who i still LOVE) is apparently the "it" doctor in town. its the place to be seen...if you HAVE to be seen, for cancer. so...i lugged my big heavy bag, (my "briefcase"), filled with work to do, (i.e...magazines, catalogs) and was set to spend the next few hours getting my fill of very important gossip updates, courtesy of "people" and "star" magazines. 

of course im late, as i always was to every other job in the past; but not as late as usual...because i had dan (my "co-worker") with me, and he is ridiculously on time. (its kind of annoying, actually.) before i even sign in...i see that the girl who just signed in before me is somebody i met at "relay for life" last month. we also have mutual friends. so i talk with her. i felt so badly...because it was supposed to be her last treatment, but had a problem with blood clots and had just gotten out of the hospital after being there for 11 days. (been there and done the whole blood clot/ hospital nightmare). 

on to my first task of the work day. the meeting with the dr., ("the boss") . dont most people come into work and have meetings!?!? we went over the main issues of the week. the first issue at hand...i want a raise. i told him that i f feel jipped from spending so much time there and i want a punch card to get paid for all of my hours i spend there. he thought it was a good idea and said he should ask blue cross about that. (i always did have great ideas at my previous jobs. i was the "idea" girl.) then we had question and answer time. as any good employee....i did a lot of research on my subject and was armed with lots of questions and concerns. as with previous jobs...i always had/have lots of questions. unfortunately...many of my concerns made him chuckle, and he told me i might want to consider doing my research in places other than the internet sites i was finding my particular statistics on. i also discuss some new cancer research on the horizon he might not know about. (a doctor in italy who is treating cancer with baking soda!  alkalinized water cures cancer!) more chuckles from him. but unlike some other bosses ive had in the past, he didnt make me feel stupid for my questions or new research ideas...even tho i knew full well some of them were dumb. i did tell him about my other friends who used the chemo drugs i was on, and they didnt work forever. he told me he wasnt planning on them working forever on me either. i knew this...but i didnt like hearing it. but then again....you cant always like what your boss has to say.

then i passed all of my lab tests for the day, (unlike my other "tests" i took and didnt pass at previous jobs), and went into the chemo "fishbowl" room. i went to my chair, which was not a window office, (note to self...request corner office chair), and plopped down my "briefcase" of "work". you should always start your day at work by learning something new, right? so i got a WHOLE lesson on veins and needles. i am not knowledgeable on the subject, so i mostly listened. but of course i had to contribute what i DID know about veins and needles; so i added my two cents of info which i learned about on the reality tv show "intervention". its a show about drug addicts. anyway...i informed the nurse that if my veins go bad, i can always use my toes or nail beds. i think she was slightly impressed with my creativity on the use of veins.

after i was all hooked up...i had to tackle the next task at hand. BREAK TIME! duh! so i sent my assistant/co-worker, (dan),  to fetch me some cheetos. thats what are assistants are for, right? i know this from personal experience...because i was usually the assistant at previous jobs. (another side note...i remember a job interview i had to be an assistant to a very prominent, but obnoxious and high maintenance beauty line product owner. the interviewer asked if i knew how to make coffee. um...hello?...no! you go to starbucks and have someone else make it!!!! needless to say...i didnt get the job. but in all honesty...it wasnt because of the coffee.)

after "break" time, i get some "work" done...(shiloh met the twins! jen and ben are expecting baby #2!) ya know...very important info to know about. i check my treo constantly...(ya never know when youre gonna get an important email). in this case... i did! playdate party plans! well, then i need another break! all work and no play makes for some very unhappy and non productive employees. and and after all...all employees legally get more than one "break time". so i do a little "office socializing" with my other "co-workers". i generally see the same people on visits there. (mr "woe is me me me me" wasnt there this time). everyone knows that it is not ethical to take a break for more than 15 minute intervals. (yet another rule i broke quite frequently at past jobs)...so back to 'WORK" i go.

now im determined to focus and stop screwing around. but then a new lady walks in and she sits right next to me. she seems so cool. she seems like my kind of person. and shes now my "office-mate" in the chair next to me. shouldnt i at least introduce myself to my new "office-mate"???? NO! i decide to read and keep my head down. very un lori-like. but its hard to keep meeting great people who are in this situation. it can be depressing. it can also be really inspiring. and besides..i am there to do a job. so i keep on reading. i cant help but hear her conversation with the man next to her. i hear that she has stage 3 lung cancer. so i decide, as i have in all of my past jobs..."why work if you can socialize"? so i start to talk to this woman. her name is nikki. she is so great. she wasnt a smoker. she is a hairdresser. she didnt even know she had lung cancer! she has another disease, which during a routine checkup showed lung cancer. bizarre. and the dr is pretty certain, judging by her cat scans, that it is from environmental reasons...the chemicals from her products (i.e. hairspray, etc). so scary. and this is a lesson for people out there to take note of this stuff. she is in her 40's...2 young boys. and she seems totally fine! how many sick people are wallking around out there that you pass every day, who look totally fine?!?! A LOT! its pretty overwhelming. anyway...she tells me about a drink to help prevent cancer; which is a mixture of honey, whiskey and aloe vera plant. she also tells me of an injection she heard about, which is given twice a year...but you can only get it in egypt!!! (*another note to self...discuss these treatments with the "the boss" at next weeks "meeting")

now the bell has rung and my work day is over. i pack my "briefcase" and lug it off. i say goodbye to my "co-workers" and dan my "assistant". (he has to go back to his real job now.) i see my chauffer; (my friend missy), waiting for me outside. she is there to pick me up and bring me home to sit by my pool. after a long day at the "office" you need to go home, relax and unwind, right??? 

so another day of "work" at the "office" is over. just like my previous jobs...i didnt make money there. well have to wait and see what happens with blue cross and see if they can work out some sort of plan to reimburse their "employees", (aka..."patients"), for their time.  but as with all jobs...i had meetings, break time, socialized with "co-workers", and even managed to learn some new things. looking back now... i can see why i was fired from various previous jobs. socializing and breaks totally interfere with having a career.

today im "working" from home. the task at hand...to rest after chemo. orders from "the boss". i swear! but im trading my magazines in for my dvr. i have lots of reality tv shows to catch up on. you never know when the stuff you learn from these shows can help the nurses or doctors learn things too. at the very least...itll give me new material for "question and answer time" at my next "meeting". and by the way...dont i have "paid vacation time" coming up any time soon?

OMG! me and amy winehouse?

i think amy winehouse is extremely talented. but jeez...what a train wreck. somebody i would never think i had ANYTHING in common with. OR DO I?

here is how my epihany came about.

i was told that i would most likely lose my hair from my new chemo regime. so i didnt bother coloring it. not because of money, but because why should i sit there for hours getting highlights put in when it was just gonna fall out anyway? but so far...i havent lost a single strand. and some people dont. and i may not. and im not complaining. but in the meantime...my hair is definitely in a compromised situation. i didnt think my hair could get any frizzier. well...it has! and i dont want to blow it straight and give it more incentive to fall out. so im basically walking around with 12 colors of hair, 4 inches of dark roots and an out of control frizz-fro. i looked in the mirror this morning, and thought..."omg! i have a rats nest on my head! i look like amy winehouse!" granted...her hair is long and dark, and she tons more of it...blah blah blah. but she DOES have her own sort of frizzed out rats nest going on in her hair. right????

then i thought..."well im not a druggie with needle tracks down my arm." OR AM I??? while checking out my frizz-fro...i notice the remnants of the tape where my chemo IV was hooked up yesterday. and my poor black and blue bruised arms where the needle marks are. and lets face it...are chemo drugs not DRUGS???? maybe even more toxic than amy winehouses choice of drugs? hmmmm.

well...the similarities must end there, right? ummm...NO!!!! her boyfriend, blake, is currently incarcerated. he spends his days in court in front of judges. MINE TOO!!!!! yeah, yeah, yeah....its a stretch. my hubby is on the other side of the law. but WAIT! someone from my not so far off past is in prison right now. i refuse to waste my time discussing him, but...hello? coincidence or is she my mirror counterpart?

surely this must be the end of our similarities, right? NOPE! i also figure that we weigh about the same too, since we are both so slim. hee hee....now i kid! i am aware that my ass is bigger than her ridiculously huge beehive. but wait! were ARE both jewish!!!!!

so when you see me walking down the street, looking like a crackhead, with my crazy hair and popped veins....dont be too hard on me. i promise...its not crack or meth. its chemo. so dont try to get me to go to rehab, because ill say, "NO,NO, NO!"

superbad!

...and im not talking about the super funny, super clever movie. im talking about my kid. is it just me...or do other moms out there wonder how they gave birth to a sweet little baby, who can turn into "damian" or "chucky" at the drop of a hat? ok...i kid. well...kinda, sorta. i have to admit...my son is probably one of the sweetest, most sensitive and loving boys ever. he is very special, and in the grand scheme of things...a very well behaved and very good little boy.

BUT......

like any normal 3 year old, he likes to constantly "test" me. and quite frankly...it makes me INSANE! it makes me sweat, and clench my teeth and all i seem to say, is "hayden, no!" or "stop that, please!", or "hayden, its just not funny". the latter one is really the worst thing i can say, because his response is usually echoing me, "its not funny!....(ha ha haaa haaa)..."stop it!"...(ahaaa ahheeee heeee)..."its not funny...i asked you to stop!"....(shrilling with laughter). and giving him a time out? doesnt work! "hayden, i told you if you did it again, youd get a time out...so lets go now!" imagine how much it irks me, when he replies, (in a sweet voice, i might add)..."ok mommie. how long is this one for?" as he climbs into his bed/chair/step by himself. i know...this particular behavior isnt so superbad. whatever. its still really annoying.

and i accept some of this behavior, because it is normal for him to experiment with how things work. so whereas i get frustrated that he has to touch every damn button, knob, door handle, (or for that matter...ANYTHING in his vision), i also have to encourage his childhood curiosity to learn and to be inquisitive. i love that he wants to figure things out on his own! (it doesnt mean that it isnt annoying tho!) but the frustration doesnt end there. there are many other things... which arent necessarily bad, but just really grating. some examples. his shoes. they cant be wet. cant be dirty. cant be sticky. or he cant put his feet in them. so the other night when popsicle dripped in them...he refused to wear them. and he cant walk on the grass. he cries, "i need shoes! not those, but different ones!" well..i travel with extra diapers. sometimes extra clothes. but extra shoes? not so much! so unless we want our kid to spend the night in the middle of the park, we have to lug him home. hes not so light anymore. ditto goes for clothes that get wet or dirty. "hayden, its 120 degrees out...itll dry!' nope. "i need a new shirt!" how bout the other day. he pee-peed on his potty, (good!)...but missed, (not his fault...but messy!) so as i was cleaning up the floor, walls, potty chair, bath mats...i turn around to see him filling up cups of soapy water and pouring it EVERYWHERE! "baby...youre supposed to wash your hands. not the whole bathroom". he looks at me, and dumps it all over ME!!! looking like a drowned rat, covered in both sweat and soap suds, i finally get him out of the sink so we can rush to make it to camp on time. but NOOOOO. he has to change his clothes. theyre all wet! ok...how bout the time when he says, "mommie...im going to shoot fire right into your eyes!" lovely...huh?!?! i know he didnt learn that in our house. "baby, where did you learn that?" he didnt know. but he did take the antenna from his car and try to shove it into my eye. special...right?!?! i obvioulsy freak out and lose it. he just looks at me. "mommie, do i need a time out?" (ok..that one IS an example of superbad behavior.)

so whereas i do put up with this sort of stuff...i refuse (because i AM a good parent...), to do the same when it comes to hitting, biting and his newest superbad behavior, pinching! my husband tells me to pinch or bite him back, to show him how it feels. well, i just dont understand the concept of teaching a kid not to bite; by biting him. i mean...i get it...but from a 3 year old perspective....does that really make sense? it doesnt matter anyway...because sure enough, (and please dont call the authorities), i find myself doing it back to him. i know!!!! maybe not the best parenting. maybe i should be embarrased to admit that. but OMG!!!! seriously. GIVE ME A F*!&#*@ BREAK ALREADY!!!! it just makes me nuts and sometimes all i want to do, is sit in a corner on the floor and cry. and i would. if i had the energy to do so.

so thats my rant for the night. thanx for the free therapy. i will end this venting session by saying that dealing with this superbad attitude is all worth it; when at night he holds my hand, looks in my eyes and says, "mommie, i want you to leave so daddie can come in here."

with all of this being said, i can still say my superbad kid is still super awesome, a super blessing, and super special. i super love my super kid!!!

chemo with ellyn

kinda like "tuesdays with morrie"...only different!

today was my 5th round of chemo. a short day...just one drug. but it was another fun day, because my friend ellyn was there too. she was getting her bone transfusion meds. (*post note...i was just reading ellyns blog, and i made a stupid mistake. of course shes not getting a bone transfusion!!! its a bone INFUSION!!!. it was too funny to correct without keeping the original mistake on here...) 

so...she came into my room before her treatment, and when she left for the chemo room, she said, "ill save you a seat". i dont know why...but i had flashbacks to the high school cafeteria. and the high school bus. whatever. i thought it was funny. saving seats. so high school-ish!!!

anyway...we gabbed. shes so cool. so do only really great people get cancer? everyone i meet is so undeserving of this disease. she has an awesome blog, so check it out. ellyndavidson.wordpress.com. while were on the subject, my new friend, pam writes a very funny blog. pamlucken.blogspot.com. both excellent blogs which i read religioulsy.

so...back to today...
i wore my battle "chemo pants" again; even if it was 4,000 degrees today. funny thing...is that i learned that ellyn also has special "chemo pants" 2 pairs. i found that interesting. also found it interesting that she plans on getting rid of them. i hadnt thought that way...but i think its a good idea. i also saw mr. him him him, new ailment new ailment new ailment. when i asked how he was doing, his response was, "well, im still here. im not pushing up daisies yet". ok..ill accept that. i told him that was a good thing.

so other than that, chemo was uneventful. oh...in the pic above, i have a piece of paper covering my IV. im a total freak and cant stand looking at the line going into my arm. kinda funny since it is NOTHING compared to what ive had sticking in AND out of my body in the past. ok perverts...mind outta the gutter. (or is it only my mind that went to the gutter with that comment?) and on another positive chemo note..i actually have done a little bonding with the office staff. they even know my name now! i no longer feel like a total outcast. just another little flashback to high school....wanting to be a part of the "scene". actually...this is a scene i could do without. but if i have to be a part of the chemo scene...at least i want to be popular! duh! and one more good note. the chemo nurse i had today told me that she used to be in a nurse in the psych ward. the good news with this...is that i didnt recognize her from the psych ward. i told her i hadnt made it into that ward yet...but i could very easily be thrown in there eventually. so ill make sure to be extra nice to her, incase we ever run into each other again on the "mental floor". i told her ive seen "one flew over the cukoos nest", and "girl interrupted", so i know how it all works. youve gotta get on their good side so you can get the good drugs and avoid the straightjacket. thats me....always planning ahead. and ill be sure that if i ever get to the psych ward, that i get in with the "cool crowd" over there too. i mean...if youre gonna be in the loony bin...you still want to be popular. duh!!!

conversation in the pool tonite

hayden: "mommie, why do you wear a shirt over your bathing suit when youre swimming?"
me: "because i like to have something over me when im in the pool".
hayden: "because youre fat, mommie?"

34 !!!

i just got a message on my voicemail from my oncologist. he wanted to share the good news that my tumor marker, (ca-125) went down to 34. under 35 is considered normal, and for me...cancer is usually in remission when its in the 20's. so this is great news. the last one was 76. the doctor said that hes ecstatic with these results and it is excellent news to get that kind of response in such a short amount of time. thats it! just wanted to share!!!!

another job i dont get paid for

i have a long history of working very hard at various jobs, and not making any money doing it. and even tho this a computer...i can still hear all of your giggles and snarky little rumblings. well...STOP IT!....because i REALLY HAVE had many jobs in my lifetime. (need i remind you of my 2 weeks of hell on "baywatch?" my fashion design nightmare job? lugging visual display/merchandise up and down ladders in department stores?) anyway....it seems like everything i did, no matter how hard i worked...i never got paid much. thankfully, my parents supported my artistic aspirations and made sure i wasnt a starving artist. (thanx mom and dad!) 

so, here i am today, very grateful to be in a situation where my husband can support our family while i am out enjoying expensive tea lunches in the middle of the afternoon. *(see previous post below).

but in all honesty...i do want to do something to contribute to the work force. i am creative and i want to CREATE and use my brain, and do something. i have ideas. i always have ideas. of course none of them would put me on the forbes wealthiest list...but thats ok! even tho my name wont be listed next to oprah winfreys, i have hopes for my butt to be seated next to hers when i go on her show to discuss my book....which hopefully will get written one of these days!

so back to the subject at hand....

even tho i do want to get a job...i also know that i already have a full time job. and it is one which is in addition to being a mom. and a wife. and a daughter or a sister. what many people do not understand, is that having cancer IS a full time job. yup...yet ANOTHER one which i dont get paid for. nor a very creative one in which i enjoy. here is where i hear my dads voice in my head saying, " work is not supposed to be fun. thats why they call it WORK!" well i know even my very industrious father who always wanted me to have a "regular" job...not a "fun" job", doesnt want me to have this job. but i do have this job. and it IS a JOB! and like he said....work isnt fun. so...some people go into an offfice. some people go to a work site. some people go to court. i go on my computer. this is my work. and i know people wonder what the hell i do all day. i have babysitters. i have parents and in-laws who are always on hand to help out with hayden. so why dont i have time to schedule playdates, or lunch dates, or dinner plans with couples? why cant i return phone calls or e mails in a timely fashion. well...ill tell you why.

first of all...my phone doesnt stop ringing. EVER. ditto with my e mail in-box. i realize this sounds incredibly conceited. and im also not complaining, because i know i am fortunate to have friends who want to still speak to me. but i dont know how many of my friends are aware of how many "cancer friends" i have accumulated over the years. i have a network of people who i am in contact with, and who i help with information and support. and this works vice-versa too. i have learned a tremendous amount from these people. in some ways...more than anyone in the medical field. so i spend a lot of time speaking and e mailing with these people. A LOT of time. and when people tell me that i have helped them get thru something, or that they got genetic testing because of me, then i know that this "work" i do for free...is well worth it.

so...what is it that i do all day? well...here is a sample of my job responsibilities...

chemo once a week. various doctor apointments. spanish school with hayden. running for my ringing phone. lab work. waiting for results. checking e mail. getting hayden to camp/school. cat scans. researching new trials. contacting doctors all over the country about new treatments on the horizon. pet scans. answering my ringing phone. watching my in-box keep filling up with e mail. playdates with haydens friends. getting "ki" energy treatments from my japanese "healer". texting or e mailing people from my phone. clean up dog/cats vomit. ditto with pet pee/poop. trying to return all of my calls, (but never being successful in this endeavor). yoga. attempting to eat healthy. reading as much as i can on cancer stuff. potty training with hayden. try to incorporate a holistic approach into my lifestyle. curse at my ringing phone. qi energy foot baths to release toxins from my body. answer more e mails. computer correspondence with my online ovarian cancer support group. get anxious because of all of the phone calls/emails i am behind on. energy work and reiki with my other "healer". try to meditate, but find it difficult because either the phone is ringing, or im thinking about all of the calls i need to return. making sure my family has food to eat. and did i mention...deal with my ringing phone and e mails????

there you have it. i work! and its a full time PLUS job. i am just not like the typical employee. my full time job as a cancer patient doesnt end at 5 pm. nor do i get weekends or holidays off.  so whereas people might think i sit around eating bon-bons all day long, (which; with the exception of my tea day at the townsend)...i really dont! i am working! 

and may i also add another little tidbit. i fill out lots of medical questionnaires and paperwork. it asks for "occupation" on many of these. i get sick of filling all of this crap out and sometimes get creative with them. i have, at times, written "cancer patient" on the line. another fun thing to write, is where it asks for your "sex", to write, "no thanks!" kinda stupid...i know. but somewhat entertaining when you fill out a gajillion of these all of the time!:) its the small things that make being a cancer patient somewhat less tedious.

ok...my break is over, and i need to get back to "work"

fyi

i realize that i started this blog as a way to communicate with family and friends about what is going on with my health. however...ive discovered that it is a great way to keep a journal to chronicle what is going on in our every day lives. i also think it is a great thing to do for hayden as well. so...i realize that some of these posts may not be all that exciting. i guess my secret is out. im really not all that exciting.

so nice we did it twice

as ive mentioned before, the 4th of july is my favorite holiday. and my favorite tradition, is to spend it at the newmans house on the lake. this year the party was the week after the 4th, so we celebrated the 12th of july! the party was great and the fireworks...AMAZING! we watched them from their docked boat. we learned our lesson about mixing kids and dynamite the previous week, so we kept hayden inside watching them from the window with my parents. we were so lucky to have this perfect night, because it was storming earlier in the day. 

speaking of earlier in the day....because  it was raining, i decided it would be a good time to do a project with hayden. so we went in the studio and painted. i did a very good job of letting his imagination and creativity flow, so i didnt freak out about getting paint all over the place. after all...it is sort of an art studio room anyway. it was great and i loved spending quality time with him doing something which i love too. until i told him it was time to finish up. he freaked out, and actually threw the paintbrush at me. in a way it was my fault....you should NEVER tell an artist when their 'creation" is done. only the artist can decide that. but in this case...i was done, and therefore he was done. and after he threw the paintbrush (with paint on it) at me...he was REALLY done. i must say...he is very talented in a jackson pollock kind of way. he definitely gets his artistic side from me.

we ended our beautiful weekend by going back to the newmans lake for a nice sunday afternoon. it was a chance to catch up with my friend jen, since its hard to do that sort of stuff at a party. besides...she lives in chicago...and i never really get to talk to her. hayden played with her daughter ava. it was really cute. of course nothing in our family runs that smoothly, so it made sense for some drama to occur before we left for the lake. i was getting ready in the bathroom when i heard hayden screaming bloody murder. turns out....my baby-pie got stung by a bee! for some reason, he was sure that it was my father who let the bee in the house. i have no idea why. he kept crying, "papa let the bee in the house!" and then he told me he wanted me to call papa. so we did, and hayden got on the phone crying and said, "papa, you let the bee in the house and he hurted my finger!" it was so sad. some ice, some benadryl, and some tlc from my neighbor claudia, who happens to be a nurse....and we were good to go.

 as a side note....tonite dan kissed hayden goodnight and told him he was going to bed. hayden asked him why. dan explained that he had to get up to go to court tomorrow to work. to which hayden responded, "are you going to wear a tie daddie?"

you can never go back...but you can always go forward

today i did something totally decadent. i played "hooky" from real life. my 'newer' group of girlfriends, who i refer to as "the spanish girls", invited me to a tea at the townsend. this is special for a few reasons. first of all....i absolutely adore these girls with a passion. i met them at haydens spanish class, and i feel so blessed that i happened to pick that class at that time on that day. i havent seen them in a while, since that class session ended. and as is the case with most of my friends....i just dont have the chance to see people socially as much as i would like to. the other reason i looked forward to this, is because i dont usually just spend an afternoon doing something which isnt on my "list" of whatever errands/activities i have in my planner to get done that day. so after camp, i dropped hayden off at home with nikki, picked up kelly, and we bolted on over to birmingham. it was so much fun just drinking tea and giggling with girls about stupid girl stuff. we celebrated karens new pregnancy, beths upcoming c-section, and i got to meet their other friend who i have heard so much about; but never met...because she moved to brazil! i felt totally fine from the chemo i had the previous day, and i was just having so much fun being with these girls. i did feel a twinge of guilt knowing that dan was working so hard at the office, while i was off spending his hard earned money on $36 sandwiches and tea. but fear not! .....i got over it pretty quickly. :)

so as i was leaving this glorious, (and may i say...well deserved), little afternoon luxury, i was inadvertently thrown back into a flashback from 3 years ago. you see.....dan and i got married at this hotel just over 4 years ago. well, on my first wedding anniversary, my friend missy decided we should celebrate with a little lunch at the townsend. i remember it like it was yesterday. we ate shrimp salads and i had newborn baby hayden dressed in a blue striped, spring-like outfit with matching hat. he slept in his little carrier as missy and i reminisced about the wedding which had taken place a year before, and how so much had changed since then. well...little did i know that just minutes after having that discussion...that my life would change yet again.....and it would never be the same.

as i left the "spanish girls" this afternoon, i went to cross the street where my car was parked. i realized that i was waiting to cross the road in the same exact spot where just over 3 years ago i was in my car, leaving lunch with missy, when i got the call from my ob/gyn. a routine test came back "irregular", and could i come in to his office first thing the next morning. well...we all know what followed afterwards.

its just so crazy when thinking about it. when i went into the townsend today...the last thing on my mind was cancer. i was just so excited to be out doing something so self indulgent. exactly what i had done 3 years earlier when having lunch with missy to celebrate my anniversary. the townsend hotel holds so many happy memories for me, and yet...i will always remember that exact spot when i heard the news which would change my life forever. i can never go back to life before cancer. but as i drove away today...i didnt drive home in fear, as i did on the day i got that phone call. i drove away feeling triumphant and strong. i have been thru so much in 3 years. and looking back.....even with all of the bad memories i flashed back to today on that street corner...it wanes in comparison to the happiness and joy i am filled with today. that alone, makes $36 sandwiches and tea seem like a chintzy price!

the communal chemo fishbowl

today i had my 4th chemo treatment for my 3rd recurrence. or is it my 4th recurrence? whatever. counting is not my forte. so...since i have a new doctor, i go to a different hospital for my chemo. and its very different than what im used to. my last cancer center was like the ritz carlton of chemo facilities. individual private sections where every chair had a tv and dvd player, beautiful floor to ceiling windows looking out to the gardens, snacks, and not to mention a bunch of nurses who i adore and became a sort of "family" to me. and they loved me, (duh! who doesnt...)..and i was treated so well. i miss them, and actually go back to say hello every so often. but my new facility is different. dont get me wrong....its top notch. i absolutely ADORE my new doctor. he is as brilliant as everyone told me he is, and hes so caring and more importantly....even calls me back and knows what the hell is going on with me! pretty basic for what you want in a doctor, huh!? and guess what else? its in MICHIGAN!!!! as most of you know...i have doctors in every state and many, many, many frequent flier miles; so im thrilled to not have to get on a plane to get bloodwork done! (although i may miss the chocolates on my pillow and comfy robe at the commonwealth hotel in boston, or pinkberry and seeing my friends in LA). my current doctor has a chemo room right in his office, and its a bunch of chairs lined up next to each other with one tv on the wall. its fine....i mean, im not moving in there...but its just different. the one thing that has remained the same...is my outfit. ive worn the same pants to most of my chemos; my army fatigue camoflage pants. since my first treatment, i said i was "in a war", and this was my combat outfit. even when i ballooned up from the steroids and no longer fit into my pants ....i brought them with me. thankfully, im able to wear them again, and i really hope it stays that way!

anyway, my first treatment was uneventful, as it was pretty empty there.

the second treatment was more daunting. crowded room...and it seemed as if everyone was sick. (shocker that youd find that in a cancer hospital, right? ) but serioulsy....looking around was so depressing. the guy next to me talked about him him him and all of his medical dilemmas, he almost died, hes sick...blah blah blah him him him. another guy wanted to talk about all of his drinks and pills and health concoctions and everyone should take this stuff. and oh yeah....his colostomy bag. another lady was so sick and holding a sick bag, and i just wanted to cry looking at her. other people couldnt walk or were doubled over. you hear people telling about all of their problems. well...im somewhat of a hypochondriac as it is, and by the end of my treatment, i was convinced i had every damn complication as everyone in that room. which is weird, since i actually feel totally, perfectly fine! but i started freaking out. "am i as sick as all of these people?" holy shit.....this might be serious! AND OH YEAH! i forgot to tell you about nurse ratchett! my IV was leaking and blood was dripping down my arm and liquid was seeping out. i called her over in a panic. i asked her a question. she basically told me..."i dont know; im not your nurse and im just trying to help your nurse out with your leak because she is busy!!!" jeez...sorry to disturb your JOB! i was freaking out because i didnt know if poison was dripping from my tube and all over my skin which can actually burn. "jeez lady....maybe youre not concerned because youre wearing a fucking hazmat outfit and gloves!" i know i shouldnt have cared, but i was a total baby and for DAYS kept saying, "i cant believe that nurse was mean to me!!!" i know. in the grand scheme of all the shit ive been thru, this is what i lose sleep over?!?!!?

on the third treatment, it was all young and healthy looking people in the room. they were watching a basketball game. the only thing seemingly missing was beer and pretzels. but still being shell shocked from treatment number 2, i decided to do something very "un lori-like." i brought my i-pod, covered myself up, and didnt look around. it was weird. it was my 3rd visit, and i hadnt met any new friends or "fans". this was foreign territory to me. but before i left, i did meet a very inspiring young man who is being treated for a brain tumor. ivan is 24, adorable and so inspirational. hes very religious and has a great outlook on his situation. he was going to get me a necklace he wears which is called, (i think?) a sacrum? i dont know...im not catholic, but ill take all the help i can get from whatever diety will protect me! anyway...im in awe of him, and i hope to see him again. and by the way...he is doing great.

so...back to today. i didnt know what the hell treatment number 4 would bring in this communal fishbowl; but i certainly wasnt expecting it to be...dare i say....kinda FUN? first of all....mr. him him him was back. (today it was all about his liver biopsy.) but i did go and introduce myself to him. he happens to be very nice. i cant wait for him to get better and have good things to talk about! my friend ellyn who is also a patient there, told me i might see her two friends who were scheduled to be there today. sure enough, they just happen to sit right next to me. and they were incredible! (as is ellyn!) and we talked and talked. they both had their husbands there, and they were great. (i had my dad there...because dan was in court today. somebody has to pay for all of my medical bills!!!) missy is 36 and had her last treatment for breast cancer today. she has 2 young children; one is almost 4 and the other is 18 months. pam turned 35 today! she also is being treated for breast cancer and has the same BRCA gene defect that ellyn and i also have. she has 3 young kids. these girls are really fun. really upbeat. totally crazy. completely open- book personality...just like me! truly amazing! i cant believe that they are even younger than me. crazy. anyway...ellyn and pam also have great blogs, and when i get around to it and get their permission...i will add a link to their sites on my page.

so...that was chemo today. i guess its sort of interesting. looking back at these 4 different treatments, i couldnt have had more different experiences. chemo in the communal fishbowl is just like forest gumps' box of chocolate. you never know what youre gonna get! maybe i can look at going to my treatments as sort of a pot luck. more importantly...i have more friends to add my possee! and oh yeah...i feel good. a little tired, but good.

im going to bed now, because hayden goes to the beach tomorrow for summer camp. jeez...speaking of hayden...how can i end this without a little hayden story? its short. today he said to me, "thanks for summer skies mom." (summer skies is the name of his camp) how sweet is that? hes thanking me for sending him to camp! ill think of that story when im reminded of how he screwed up my computer tonite by touching keys i told him not to. i guess having a 3 year old is also a little like forest gumps chocolate box!

a mid-summers night stroll

the other night i had a norman rockwell vision of taking a walk down the street with my dog, son and husband. just a nice, peaceful stroll. right? well...nope. first of all....my motto could be, "why walk if you can drive?" so to even suggest walking further than to the mailbox was kind of ambitious for me. so...we leave the house for our walk, but first were going to stop by my neighbors to drop off a watch she left at my house. dan and hayden go up to the door... and they dont come back! apparently hayden decided to do some singing and dancing performances for them. so not even 3 feet from the beginning of the walk...i lose my walking companions. so, i walk up the street...just me and willoughby. unfortunately, my dog is even more neurotic than i am...and doesnt want to walk. i cant blame him for this, really...because he probably inherited this trait from me. but still...what dog doesnt like to go out for walks?!?!? anyway...he tries to keep running back, and all im doing is pulling on him on getting wrapped around the leash, because hes doing circles around me. this goes on for about 10 minutes. after literally getting wrapped around a mailbox...(and stuck!), i decide that the purpose for this walk isnt being fulfilled. this doesnt happen in norman rockwell paintings! i unwrap myself from the mailbox pole, and see dan and hayden emerge from tom and claudias house. i guess my son was finished with his rendition of "B-I-N-G-O" and performance of jumping jacks. dan drops off my freaky dog at home, and we decide to continue with our walking plan. by now its darker out, and im getting bitten by mosquitoes. fun! we head down the street, but see no neighbors outside, so the whole "americana" vision of walking by and waving to people isnt really happening. hayden is on the bike, off the bike, on the bike, off the bike. but he decides to stop and pick some flowers for me, (or should i say...weeds), so this actually works for my perfect norman rockwell scenario. then we see a bunny. so sweet, right? so i whisper to hayden..."look at the bunny...hes eating in the grass...shhhhh lets watch him" hayden gets off the bike, (again), runs in the grass....bunny hops away. but hayden is determined to find him. "bunny...where aaaare you?" we let him try to find the bunny, and just kind of hang out in the street. i notice a bunch of cars drive up to one of our neighbors house. obviously theyre having some sort of get-together. i start to wonder out loud why we arent invited! hmmmmm. anyway...i digress. so we finally get hayden back on his bike, and start to head home from our 10 foot walk. hayden gets off bike, (again), to run in a puddle. well...hayden has a weird thing about his feet. he is very particular about them, and what shoes he wears, and woodchips cant touch them...et cetera. he starts to cry, "my feet are wet! i dont like my feet wet!" dan asks him why he jumped in the puddle if he didnt like his feet wet. we also explain that hes wearing crocs, and theyre supposed to get wet...theyre water shoes! yeah...try to reason with a 3 year old. been there, done that...doesnt work! so he takes his shoes off even tho we tell him he needs them on to walk home. but no go. doesnt really matter, because we only walked about 3 houses distance anyway. so...we get home, and of course his feet are now muddy. "AHHHH!!!! i need to wash my feet! theyre diiiiirty!!!!" ugh. anyway.... that was my big venture out for a nice family stroll. my dad says its a good idea to take a family walk to relieve stress and find peace. um...yeah right. if you consider relieving stress by needing to go home to calm myself by deep breathing and taking xanax; then yeah...i guess id consider it a successful mission. (okay...i made the xanax part up....but it did lend for the opportunity to use creative artistic license). the next time i consider a leisurely relaxing night, i think ill remember my "motto", and take a spin in the car, by myself, for a 20 foot drive. not exactly norman rockwell, but then again...my life is hardly anything like it anyway!!!

baby and honey

when i talk to hayden, i always refer to him as "baby", or "baby pie". this morning, as he was putting my mousse in his hair, i said, "baby, when youre done 'styling' your hair, go wash your sticky hands off". he says, "mommie, why do you call me 'baby'? i said "well...its a nickname. youre a big boy, but youre still my baby, so i call you 'baby' in a loving way". he says, "but why do you call me baby?" he obviously didnt 'get' my reasoning, (and understandably so.) so i asked him, "what does mommie call daddie?"

him: "dan"

me: "what else?"

him: "daniel"

me: "no. what else does mommie call daddie?"

him: (laughing), "i dont know"

me: "baby, does mommie call daddie "honey"?

him: (giggling) "yeah.....honey"

me: "yes...i call daddie "honey" even tho his real name is dan.

him: "so then why do you call him honey?"

me: "i call you 'baby' as a nickname, even tho youre not a baby anymore, and i call daddie 'honey', as a nickname, even if i dont pour him in tea".

him: just laughing and laughing.

kind of a stupid story, but he thought it was just hysterical. 

perfection..(with only 2 minor blips)

the 4th of july. my favorite holiday. and this year didnt disappoint. sheer perfection. ya know the feeling when you get off a boat and you still feel like youre swaying? well, between the rocking of my swing, and the movement of the water under the dock off the beach....im still swaying!

we have the best neighbors. on all on sides of us. well...this weekend we spent with tom and claudia. and it was even more special because diane came back to spend the holiday with us. (yes...we know...she only moved away a week ago!) anyway....we just had the best time, and the weather couldnt have been more perfect. on thursday night, we went to the fireworks at their country club. it was amaaaazing! popcorn, ice cream, glow sticks ... a big band playing. hayden was having the best time. that is...until the fireworks started. (minor blip #1.) why on earth i ever thought my 3 year old would enjoy the spectacle of fireworks....im not really sure. what the hell was i thinking? he had seen them in the past. but these were different. we were on the golf course...basically right underneath them. ashes were falling on us. it sounded like we were in the middle of a war zone. only much prettier! anyway....hayden freaked out and dan had to run him back to the car while hayden kept saying, "theyre gonna hurt me daddie." in all honesty...they were really loud and even we were a little shell shocked. i cant even believe we took him to see them. the good news is that we werent the only parents who get the "dumb-ass" award, because a bunch of other parents were also toting their crying kids away. who knows...maybe theyll all wind up in therapy together some day!

on friday we just hung out and did nothing but relax outside. i put in a good amount of time on the swing. the swing was the best fathers day present i ever got for dan! it couldnt have been more perfect! that night we had a bonfire with tom and claudia. s'mores, fire and good friends...not bad! on saturday we kept the relaxation theme going at our pool. but the relaxation didnt roll over into the evening. we went out for dinner with haydens girlfriend, lexi...and her parents. (minor blip #2.) lets just say the evening ended abruptly with two screaming kids and a restaurant full of completely silent people staring at us as i apologized to the whole restaurant and said id offer to pay for their dinners if i could afford it. and oh yeah...my kid, decided to pee in his pants and refuse to wear them after. so lets keep in mind that he was in the restaurant with a diaper and t-shirt. keep that visual going...as we walked down the street in birmingham with my half naked son. diane just explained to people that we were on our way back to the trailer park.

we ended the perfect weekend by going back to pine lake country club with tom and claudia for lunch and hanging out at the beach. hayden met a friend and they made sand castles for hours and hours.  in true fashion of following in his mommies footsteps...he got the other kid to keep fetching the water for his moat! and he was very proud of all of the "turrets" on the sand castle. it really was perfect. the only problem...was that diane had to leave a few hours later to go back to LA. (oops......i guess there were 3 minor blips!)

"mommie, what is.....?"

so...the other night, i was putting hayden to bed, and we were having a conversation. he wanted to know if we would see dianes mom and dad when we went to visit her family in vegas. i said that we would see her mom, but not her dad, because he lives in heaven. "mommie, what is heaven?" he asked. i correlated it to our garden. "baby, ya know how when the flowers die in the garden, they wilt over?" he nodded. i asked him, "well...what happens to them next?" he said, "new ones grow." which is actually true, so i told him he was correct. so i explained that we all live on earth, and then when we die...were still here, but we live with god in a place called heaven, and the people on earth cant see us, and then new people grow on earth. i thought it was a pretty good explanation. so...he ponders it a second, and then asks me, "what is god?" i said, "baby, that is a good question....hmmmm.....lets see"...and i paused to think about how i was going to answer this. before i could even answer, he said, "god makes us all safe." i was a bit floored. im not very religious, (tho i do consider myself very spiritual), and i know i didnt have this conversation with him. god has been mentioned in some of his books, and im sure it was discussed in his school a little bit, but other than that....not too much. so i told him that was a very good answer, and that yes....god does keep us all safe. i asked, "did auntie diane teach you that?" he said no. "did you learn it at school?" he said no. i asked him who taught him that. "nobody mommie....nobody told it to me. i just knew it. i just knew it, mommie!" i was pretty impressed. it gave me goosebumps and made me tear up. i thought it was amazing for him to say that. i do believe in god. very much so. but not so much in a religious way. i believe that kids know things that most people dont give them credit for. i believe they are more in tune with the spiritual world and i always listen to what hayden has to say without judging him or telling him hes wrong; no matter how wacky it may be. i mean, who really knows what is out there and what is real or not? either way...this was a pretty normal comment from him, and even tho i am sure he has heard about god from other places...i do believe he really meant what he told me. i believe that he really did "just know it." thinking it was such a beautiful comment...i immediately called my mom from his room, to relay the story to her. i said "mom...youre never gonna believe the conversation i had with hayden...youre gonna shit!" to which hayden says, "mommie...whats shit?"