you can never go back...but you can always go forward

today i did something totally decadent. i played "hooky" from real life. my 'newer' group of girlfriends, who i refer to as "the spanish girls", invited me to a tea at the townsend. this is special for a few reasons. first of all....i absolutely adore these girls with a passion. i met them at haydens spanish class, and i feel so blessed that i happened to pick that class at that time on that day. i havent seen them in a while, since that class session ended. and as is the case with most of my friends....i just dont have the chance to see people socially as much as i would like to. the other reason i looked forward to this, is because i dont usually just spend an afternoon doing something which isnt on my "list" of whatever errands/activities i have in my planner to get done that day. so after camp, i dropped hayden off at home with nikki, picked up kelly, and we bolted on over to birmingham. it was so much fun just drinking tea and giggling with girls about stupid girl stuff. we celebrated karens new pregnancy, beths upcoming c-section, and i got to meet their other friend who i have heard so much about; but never met...because she moved to brazil! i felt totally fine from the chemo i had the previous day, and i was just having so much fun being with these girls. i did feel a twinge of guilt knowing that dan was working so hard at the office, while i was off spending his hard earned money on $36 sandwiches and tea. but fear not! .....i got over it pretty quickly. :)

so as i was leaving this glorious, (and may i say...well deserved), little afternoon luxury, i was inadvertently thrown back into a flashback from 3 years ago. you see.....dan and i got married at this hotel just over 4 years ago. well, on my first wedding anniversary, my friend missy decided we should celebrate with a little lunch at the townsend. i remember it like it was yesterday. we ate shrimp salads and i had newborn baby hayden dressed in a blue striped, spring-like outfit with matching hat. he slept in his little carrier as missy and i reminisced about the wedding which had taken place a year before, and how so much had changed since then. well...little did i know that just minutes after having that discussion...that my life would change yet again.....and it would never be the same.

as i left the "spanish girls" this afternoon, i went to cross the street where my car was parked. i realized that i was waiting to cross the road in the same exact spot where just over 3 years ago i was in my car, leaving lunch with missy, when i got the call from my ob/gyn. a routine test came back "irregular", and could i come in to his office first thing the next morning. well...we all know what followed afterwards.

its just so crazy when thinking about it. when i went into the townsend today...the last thing on my mind was cancer. i was just so excited to be out doing something so self indulgent. exactly what i had done 3 years earlier when having lunch with missy to celebrate my anniversary. the townsend hotel holds so many happy memories for me, and yet...i will always remember that exact spot when i heard the news which would change my life forever. i can never go back to life before cancer. but as i drove away today...i didnt drive home in fear, as i did on the day i got that phone call. i drove away feeling triumphant and strong. i have been thru so much in 3 years. and looking back.....even with all of the bad memories i flashed back to today on that street corner...it wanes in comparison to the happiness and joy i am filled with today. that alone, makes $36 sandwiches and tea seem like a chintzy price!