FUCK YOU, CANCER!

dear cancer,

fuck you. i hate you.

and let me just say...that i rarely..if EVER use the word hate. i have no problem with the word FUCK; but HATE is a very, very bad and dangerous word. i admittedly have lived a very charmed life. i havent had much reason to hate. but i am human, and despite my charmed life; i have had my fair share of shit too. who hasnt? and its never been from"things", but from people. who were bad. very bad. and werent honorable or deserving of me. and ya know what? i have never felt hatred towards them. and i have never said i hated them. and trust me. most people would have.

but you? yes....you, cancer!
you can hide.
in bones.
and brains,
and blood.
and lymph nodes.
but i know youre there. and i hate you.

and before i seem ungrateful...id like to state for the record...that even tho you are evil; i am still also very appreciative that you have been fair with me. so thank you for that. and im not complaining. at least not about myself.

...because i have met a lot of great people on my cancer journey. people who i am honored to call "friends." and you are taking them from me! and from their loved ones. from their loving spouses. and their young children. or from their parents. or grandchildren.

and you have obviously not gotten to know them as i have gotten to know them. because if you had...you wouldnt be doing what youre doing. plain and simple.

so today, at the same time when i was happily getting great news about my improving health, a friend of mine wasnt getting that same news. and when i was on facebook tonite "celebrating" and sharing my good news with my friends; my phone rang. i smiled thinking it was someone who was calling to share in the excitement. but as soon as i picked up the phone and heard my friends husband on the other end of the line....i knew. i knew it before he even got past one word, which was my name. i cried. as i have done many times before.

only this is a little bit different. i met her online. she wanted information on a clinical trial i was in. she told me i was her inspiration and her hope. she got into the trial. we met her and her husband in LA, as this is where the trial was. i live in michigan. she in ohio and florida. instant bond. the nicest people. we kept in contact...even after the trial medication stopped working for both of us. we planned on visiting them and staying with them in naples this winter. it didnt happen. i couldnt travel with my crazy chemo schedule. she was in the hospital for a month or so.

i talked to her last week. at first i was nervous, because she had hospice there, and i didnt know what to expect. but she sounded great! and i was encouraged that this was just another bump in the road for her. my last conversation with her ended in me saying "i love you, and you better be ok, because i will freak out if youre not." she responded with, "im still fighting, and you will continue to do so too. for dan and hayden."

i had been thinking of her a lot, and wanted to call her. but i didnt, because i didnt want to bother her. it takes a lot of energy to talk to people when youre sick. i wanted her to have peace and to get stronger. but this afternoon during my chemo treatment; i thought about her. and i decided i was going to call her to check in. i didnt have the chance. she died around the same time i was thinking about her. coincidence? i dont think so. i really dont. nope. nada. doesnt happen that way.

so why do i find solace through my tears? well....her husband had beautiful things to say. he sounded so at peace with it. he is at peace with it. she wasnt in pain and never was. they talked. nothing left unsaid. her wishes were honored. he did everything for her the way she wanted it to be done. he is celebrating her life and all of the beauty and joy they had. they both appreciated their very happy and fruitful life. she died in peace. kind of beautiful actually.

but let me tell you, cancer. i still hate you. im not as nice as my friends husband. and even tho i know she died in a very compassionate way...im still pissed. im pissed that you took a beautiful friend away. im pissed that you have taken many of my friends away. im pissed that you interfere with so much in peoples lives. im just....well....im just pissed!

and by nature, i am not a fighter. im very into love and world peace. but with you...i draw the line. and i will fight you. because this time; you picked the wrong cancer bitch to fuck with.