a different kind of normal

its been a long time since ive posted anything here. theres a very good reason for that. but thats another whole post for another time.

anyway, i was thinking back at my life, and wishing i could beam back to the 80's again. my teenage years were so happy and carefree. i lived a pretty charmed life inside a protected little bubble. life was easy. life was good. and my biggest problems were deciding what to wear, how to feather my hair so it looked good on both sides, and which losers i should follow around and fawn all over at tally hall. so pathetic. but also very utopian-like. i mean....its kind of what youth should be like. i know bad things happened. it goes without say that there are always shitty things that go on in your lifetime. people get sick, people get in accidents and a myriad other fluke ill-fated things. but i dont really remember all of that. i recall a very "ignorance is bliss" sort of lifestyle. and there always seemed to be so much time. wow! how things have changed!

i know part of it is age.
when you get older, more shit happens.
responsibilities. bills. (which is actually pretty funny, since i wasnt so responsible with my bills!)
and basically realizing that your actions affect other people.

and then theres death.
people die.
and you start to realize just how easy it is to die.
and you appreciate life all the more.

i observe the life of my 4 year old.
i watch.
i listen.

he has had more love and opportunity in his 4 years than most people have in a lifetime. hes a great kid. hes a smart kid. he is fortunate in the fact that we can provide for him to experience lots of different things. and, yup! hes spoiled. and pampered. and sheltered. and yeah...he does live a very charmed life in the same kind of bubble that i grew up in.

but...

does he really?

growing up; my charmed life didnt include cancer. of course i was aware of it. people got it. my aunt died from it. my grandmother did too. so did various family members; but since we didnt have much contact with them, it was far removed. i will never forget a girl i went to middle school with. she had cancer. we knew she wore a wig. she died as well. so yeah...ive always been aware of cancer. but it wasnt all encompassing. it was scattered here and there. people didnt talk about it like they do now. but i also think its because it wasnt as much of an epidemic.

so...back to my son. he was born into cancer. quite literally, actually. i had cancer when i was pregnant with him. but i didnt know it until 6 weeks after his birth. he was a newborn and obviously unaware of all of the crap i was going thru. major surgeries, chemo, testing, testing and more testing. it was a crazy time. i felt guilty i wasnt able to be with him as much as a mother should be with her newborn child. i guess the silver lining in all of this, is that he wasnt aware of my absence, or the very serious situation i was in.

but that was then, and this is now. as any curious mind of a 4 year old; he now asks a lot of questions. we do not shield him from cancer. how could i???? its suuuuch a big part of my daily life. he knows mommie has cancer. he knows its an illness. he knows that wednesday is "chemo day." but thats about it. i dont want him to be scared of it. i dont want him to know how scared i am of it. he has been in the chemo room with me several times; but i would never allow him to see me hooked up to anything. the nurses and staff love him. they spoil him and he think its fun to go there and be the center of attention. of course the donuts dont hurt either! i show him what chemo is, and what i do when i am there. i explain to him how i watch tv and talk with my friends. he definitely has a sugar coated view of cancer. and at 4 years old...he should!

in my blissful candy-coated childhood memories, i remember my mom going to her bowling league luncheons. "bye! have fun and try to get all strikes!" im sure it was in the same sort of nonchalant manner that my kid says to me, "bye mom! have fun at chemo." in my youth, "normal" to me meant coming home to my mom after school. my son thinks its "normal" to have his babysitter pick him up while i go to one of my doctor appointments. as a child, i dont recall my mom ever taking naps. hayden must think all mommies have to take naps. growing up, i was always a hypochondriac. (reading my fathers medical journals didnt help!) i remember pulling a muscle, and crying to my dad, "i have appendicitis! i have to go to the hospital now!" i guess i didnt read too carefully...because it was the wrong side of my body. i was definitely crazed in diagnosing myself with many "ailments." but it was all pretty innocent. fast forward to today. my 4 year old will have a cough, and say, "im sick. i have cancer." ugh. that breaks my heart. first of all, i obviously hope he NEVER has to hear those words. but also because he thinks of cancer as common as a cold. the sad part...is that hes right!

its ridiculous. and although we can protect our children and shield their youth and innocence from many of the worlds tragedies; we cannot hide everything from them. cancer, unfortunately, is one of those things. as much sugar as we try to throw on top of it, its still cancer; and its still everywhere. i hope that despite all of it, my kid can look back on his youth and think of cancer as a little bump in the road. kind of how we look at polio or measles now. i hope he still has a memory of a carefree childhood; just as i do mine. just a different kind of normal.