the facts of life

"you take the good...you take the bad...

you take them both, and then you have,

'the facts of life' "

i loved that show! in the 80's, i wanted soooo badly to have blairs hairstyle, and to rollerskate everywhere, like tootie did.  it was literally the most important thing i had to worry about back then. but now that its 2009...a lot has changed. yes...i still have crappy hair, but im not complaining, because im just glad to have hair! and just like seeing my hair in a positive light, i have to look at many things that way. if i dont...ill be too depressed. so even though the cancer journey is a crappy hand to be dealt; i try to "twist" things in an effort to maybe fool myself into believing them.

a lot of the things i try to "twist" have to do with the many tests i have to endure. and i try to "twist" them into being like a spa experience. i get lots of scans. cat scans, pet scans, mri's.....etc. i remember the first one i had. i was terrified. it was loud and cold and i was doing everything i could to not freak out. well...almost 4 years later, im used to these machines. they are still kinda scary, but i find them, dare i say...relaxing?!?! ive even fallen asleep in some of them! this is pretty amazing for me, since i dont fall asleep easily. instead of thinking about claustrophobia...i think to myself, "wow...a whole hour to relax by myself!" im lying down, covered with heated blankets,  no ringing phones and no whining kid! i love my whining kid, but its nice to have an hour to not hear whining.

i try to look at hospital stays the same way. i used to have treatments overnight in the hospital. it sucked. but dan and i always had fun. especially when locked in the bathroom together! (totally kidding. im just making sure im not boring you!) seriously tho, i love spending time with my hunny. i would have preferred it to be on a tropical beach, but at the time...it was the hospital, so we made the most of it. we watched corny movies. movies we normally wouldnt have watched together. (bad news bears! night shift! LA story!) we played crossword puzzles and 2o questions. there was a wendys downstairs, so dan would get us frostys at 2 am! thats kinda decadent, huh?!

last week, i had a minor procedure. i had a "port" put in. basically...my veins are shot to hell, (literally!) and having a medi-port put in allows easier access to veins. i had a port before, but had to have it removed due to a blood clot. i wasnt very nervous about this procedure. its really not a big deal. but when i got in the operating room, it seemed so "official" and i started getting anxious. i mean...its a 20 minute procedure, but the prep was longer than the actual surgical time. i was wrapped in layers. (heated blankets included), but when i felt a tin foil thing going over me, i started feeling claustrophobic. so i started doing visualization. of course it had to do with a spa again. ive had seaweed wraps before. ive spent a shitload of money on them. so...how was this wrap different? well...for one, its waaaay more expensive than the spa! but insurance doesnt cover my spa services. anyway...i had my choice of music playing in the O.R., i was with very cool and amazing doctors and nurses. i was wrapped in my "seaweed" wrap. i "twisted" the O.R. into a spa. in reality...it wasnt so much different!

this leads me to the next positive thing in my cancer battle. the people! the more "procedures" i have, the more people i get to meet. i met the sweetest nurse the day i had my port put in. she was cool, caring, and we laughed. she didnt leave my side during the procedure. i loooved her! and ya know what? after the procedure, i was taken to cardiac icu for my chemo...and she actually called up to the icu just to see how i was doing. that wasnt a standard thing for her to do. it was just a nice and personal thing that she did from a humanistic standpoint alone. not because of a job requirement. it was because she cared, and those things mean sooo much! i wound up not getting my chemo that day, because my blood counts were too low. but that didnt stop us from hanging out in the icu room and having a really fun time. i mean...not so much fun that id want to do it again; but dan and i can find the fun in lots of stupid things. it also helps to have friends who work in the hospital. you may ask, "why were we hanging out in the cardiac icu longer than we had to?" since you asked; ill tell ya! 

when we go to the hospital, we know everyone there. not only our doctors and nurses and administrative staff...but i also have lots of friends who work in the hospital, as doctors or in the pharmacy, or whatever! they always make a point of stopping by to keep us company. and then there are all of the patients who have become "friends". so when i go, it can also be very social. lets face it...when you go to your "office", you have co-workers who are also "friends". i really enjoy seeing these people i have grown to love! of course i would rather see them while hanging out at starbucks or something, but again....if youre gonna be stuck in the hospital; isnt it nice to make it a social occasion?

anyway...im not trying to make the whole cancer situation a lighthearted comedy. its not...and i know that. but like i said...if i looked at it with black colored glasses instead of thru rose colored glasses, i would be miserable. i always complain about having to go into my "office'. i complain that its wasted time out of my life, and a job that i dont get paid to do. but again...if i put on the rose colored glasses, i see that the real payoff is if i get better! and if that happens, its the best paycheck ever. its more like winning the lottery. and everyone wants to win the lottery! you cant win if you dont play! so im playing because i have to, but im wearing the rose colored glasses because i want to.