prison. the new bar scene

im always amazed to hear stories about how and where couples meet. ive heard some crazy stories. and im also amazed to see friends who are single, and regardless of actively trying to find a partner; just cant! and im talking about great, normal, intelligent people with so much to offer and so much love to give. so i find it ironic that these friends have such a difficult time finding their soulmate, when there are inmates incarcerated for life....who meet and marry people on "the outside." talk about geographically undesirable!

recently, susan atkins passed away in prison from cancer. she was involved in the manson murders and responsible for killing actress sharon tate and her friends. yeah...a bad seed anyway you look at it. but she got married while she was in prison. and you want to say, "well yeah....how intelligent can he be to want to marry someone serving a life sentence in prison for murder!?" well....apparently hes no dummy. he was an honor student at univ of california irvine. hes a lawyer. he went to harvard law school. not bad! and they were married for more than 20 years. thats longer than most marriages last. shes apparently no dummy either. what a great way to get free legal counsel!

then theres the menendez brothers. total dumbasses. but despite brutally murdering their parents, they were a hot commodity in the singles scene. both serving life sentences in prison...both managed to get married. while in prison. lyle married twice. i dont know anything about them, but the first one, (shown on the left), is really pretty! the marriage

lasted less than a year. wanna know why? he cheated on her! in jail!!!!! yup....she caught him corresponding with another pen pal. and then he married the other one! apparently shes a magazine editor. i suppose it takes some sort of brains to be a magazine editor. and then theres erik. he got married too. and shes also a cute girl. what i think is funny, is that she once said about erik, "hes always there for me." um yeah! hes in shackles. of course hes always there.... where the hell do you think hes going?

scott peterson. yeah...hes a hottie. but he killed his wife and unborn baby. despite that minor glitch...dozens of women wanted to marry him. while hes on death row! on one hand....why the hell would anyone want to marry a man, who is on death row? for killing their wife no less?! on the other hand, with scott behind bars, at least they know they are safe from suffering the same fate.

so to all of my single friends looking for their soulmate....

im sorry if i suggested social gatherings, art openings, libraries, bars or dating services. i should have told you to take up a pen pal.

time to play "the price is right"

how much do you think that it costs for one treatment of the chemo drug, doxil? yup...that little bottle pictured above.

(music playing in background while contestants write their answers down)

BUZZZZZZ.....time up!

so...whaddya think?

BEEEEEEP...YOURE WRONG!

granted; i have no idea what answer you wrote down. but im pretty sure that you still got it wrong.

heres the thing. im one of those totally lame people who pays a bill without checking out the total. i know....lame. dont tell my husband. or my dad, for that matter; cuz he sure didnt raise me to do things like that. (yes dad...i still remember the lobster i ordered at "market price" at gladstones in malibu. and yes....now i know to always ask what the "market price" is before i order it!)

so, you can imagine my surprise when my husband opened up our insurance bill, and informed me that blue cross was billed $40,000 for ONE treatment of doxil. (ive had 5 so far). and no...i didnt make a mistake and add to many zeros. jeez frickin louise! wtf? its an hour infusion of a liquid. and of course my life is worth waaaaay more than $40,000. BUT. it makes you wonder, huh?! what the fuck can actually be in there that would justify a $40,000 price tag? and then my mind wanders to all of the other things id rather spend 40 grand on.

other observations...

1- seriously....what is actually in that medicine? liquid gold? i cant imagine ANYTHING that could be in there that would actually cost that amount of money. i understand the concept of "mark up." (neiman marcus? fred segal? yeah...i get it.) there needs to be some sort of profit. but c'mon!

2- umm....could this be one of the reasons why our health system is just so fucked up? (intentional rhetorical question)

3- is this just one of the reasons why so many people cant afford health care?

4- am i reeeeeally supposed to believe the FDA and the drug companies have our best interest in mind?

5- for this price, does it clean your house? do your dishes? include some sort of "happy ending?"

6- for $40,000, shouldnt it just cure the damn cancer!? and oh yeah....world peace!?

41!

today is my birthday.

i baked a cake; and hayden decorated it for me

i loved seeing his face when he showed it to me

we made wishes

and blew the candles out together

he told me his wish...

"my wish is that im going to love you forever"

does it get any better than that?

even 4 year olds have bad mornings

my mother in law was having a conversation with hayden yesterday.

he says to her,

"im having a fucking morning"

my mother in law, trying to not laugh or make too big deal about it, says,

"really? what does that mean?"

he says,

"not so good!"

hell in a handbasket

yeah, yeah, yeah....i already know where im going. i just hope my handbasket is chanel or gucci, and large enough so i dont get too claustrophobic on the journey. oh...and maybe have A/C incase i get too hot.

im not religious. i wasnt brought up with religion, and i dont define myself by a religion. however, i DO believe in G-D. i do! i really, really do! i just dont think he or she is sitting in a synagogue on a saturday morning. so therefore, when i have to sit in synagogue.....im bored off my big, fat ass. i do not understand a single thing they are talking about. and for the most part....i really dont care. i have the attention span of an ant. and yesterday....the hour and a half i sat thru a service, i fidgeted and complained like  3 year old. actually....there were 3 year olds there. they did much better than i did. dont get me wrong....the bar mitzvah service for my friends son was very nice. he did a great job. im proud of his accomplishments. but the rest of it? ugh.

last year, i wrote my thoughts on the holiest of holy holidays.  its a holiday which is coming up again very soon, so im sure ill have more observations then. but in the meantime...im stuck in my thoughts from yesterday. after the bar mitzvah boy did his part, (which i diligently listened to, by the way), i was stuck with my random thoughts. i picked up the leaflet they hand out before the service. i notice a part that says something to the extent of "jewish law prohibits the use of cell phones in the synagogue." ummm...ok. really? i mean...even tho as tempted as i was, and i had to try with all my might to ignore the fact that my blackberry was only a few inches away from me...i would NEVER be that disrespectful and whip out the crackberry to check out perezhilton.com in the middle of a sermon. 

so...i turned to my husband and showed him the leaflet. (ya know...just incase he didnt know that it was inappropriate to use his cell phone.) and i said to him..."its against jewish law!" he looks at me with a blank stare, (as he so often does). i go on. "do you think that when moses was up on that mountain holding those 10 commandments, and after it stated 'thou shall not lie, thou shall not steal'..etc....it had a side note that said 'thou shall not use cell phones or text in synagogue?'" puhleease. of course we shouldnt use them...but please dont tell us its against some jewish law. and my thoughts just started going from there...

from my brain:

-weve been here 45 minutes already...isnt it over yet? 

-everybody in the crowd is talking to one another. the rabbis on the bimah are talking to each other. why the hell are we here? whats the point if nobody is paying attention?

-this song the cantor is singing, is never ending! every time the song seems like its the end....he keeps going on. and on. and on.

-i think the cantors voice is on the same pitch which is causing my head to explode.

-cant the same point get across with an abbreviated version of this song?

-i wonder if they sell tylenol here.

-its got to be over soon!

-whats that hanging from the ceiling?

-is the cantor ever gonna stop singing?

-ohhhh...its a microphone thats hanging from the ceiling!

-we could really do without that microphone.

-doesnt the cantor have to stop singing so he can breathe for a few seconds?

-my head is going to blow up. damn that microphone!

-wow...some people come to services because they actually like it! thats so weird.

-i wonder what this very long song is even about?

-its over now, right?

-guess not. it only seemed like the song was over. 

-im gonna try and pretend that im at an opera or a concert.

-i wonder if i could reach that hanging microphone and yank it down.

-everybody is still talking! and theyre not trying to be discreet about it. even the rabbis in front of the cantor are still yapping away! wouldnt it just make more sense to end this damn thing already and everybody could continue to chat more freely in a more fun and comfortable environment?

-ahhh! its over! finally!

-why is he starting to sing again? we get the point already.

-oh look! theyre passing out candy! we get to throw candy at people to wish them sweetness. i like this part!

-why throw the candy if you can eat it?

-good thing i got the red. my favorite flavor.

-yum.

-this guy is still singing!

-the candy obviously didnt help my throbbing head.

-instead of trying to reach the microphone to yank it down; maybe i can tie it around my neck.

-that was not a good thought. i shouldnt even think those things in a place of G-D.

-seriously G-D...i dont want to kill myself. im trying really hard to stay alive. but can you make this guy shut up?

-my prayers were answered! he shut up! and he didnt start singing again!

-its gonna be over!

-jeez...now the rabbi has to say something.

-yay! we get to throw the candy now!

-too bad i have no candy to throw.

-its the end!

-why is it that the jewish culture cant just end a conversation?

-this rabbi is talking so fast. is he speaking english or hebrew?

-i wonder if i can miss rosh hashanah services next week, since im doing something religious now?

-the rabbis and cantors are sooo much better at my temple!

-yay! the rabbi is done speaking. maybe it was japanese he was speaking?

-why do we have to end the service with another song?

-lets get the hell out of here and buy some tylenol!

see. i told you. i know where im going. the good thing is that ill know lots of people there.

september isnt only about my birthday

The color of ovarian cancer is teal.
Though it has been called the "silent cancer", it really isn't, being as there are a number of symptoms. many times, the symptoms are vague enough to be misdiagnosed, as there are MANY reasons why a woman can have any of these symptoms.

The following are the symptoms:
Bloating
Pelvic or abdominal pain
Difficulty eating or feeling full quickly
Urinary symptoms (urgency or frequency)

Additional symptoms may include fatigue, indigestion, back pain, pain with intercourse, constipation or diarrhea and menstrual irregularities, although these symptoms are found equally in women without the disease.

See your doctor, preferably a gynecologist, if you have these symptoms almost daily for more than a few weeks. Experts suggest a combination pelvic/rectal exam, a transvaginal ultrasound and a CA-125 blood test.

The Risks
Women OF ANY age are at risk
increasing age raises risk
personal or family history of breast, colon, or ovarian cancer
Never been pregnant or given birth

The Facts
Occurs in 1 in 69 women
Early detection improves survival rates
There is no test. A Pap smear ONLY detects cervical cancer.
Causes symptoms even in early stages

According to the American Cancer Society, 22,000 women will be diagnosed in the next year, and 15,000 of them will die. That statistic has not changed in 30 years since the American Cancer Society declared war on cancer.
This is why it is so very important to reach as many women as we can to educate them and make them aware of this deadly disease.

for more info: the website of the Ovarian Cancer National Alliance

www.ovariancancer.org

" 'A-G-L-E-T' we're tyin' the world together" (lyrics by phineas)

so, my 4 year old shows me the end
of his shoelace, and says to me,
"mommie...what is this called?"
i glance at it, and say,
"i dunno...a plastic end cap thingy?"
he looks at me, and says,
"no mommie, its called an 'aglet.'"

um...hmmm...huh?

yeah. well, my kid likes to make up goofy names for things. so i assume this is just another one of his goofy words. except hes mentioned this to me before in the past. and he looks at me intently, and says again, "mommie...its an aglet"

so, i get on my computer, and google it.
this is what i find:

ag-let (ag-lit)
noun
1-a metal tag or sheath at the end of a lace used for tying, as of a shoelace

so...im kind of shocked.
"how did you even know this?"
he replies, "phineas and ferb!"

the good news:
at least when i shove him in front of the tv, hes learning things.

the bad news:
when i shove myself in front of the tv, i can only tell you that the women on "the real housewives of atlanta" have "plastic thingies" on the end of their jimmy choos.