dear blog...

...i havent forgotten about you. really. i havent! but i know it seems that way. and i do miss you. really. i do! you give me an outlet to gather my thoughts and keep them in a (hopefully) safe place.

i remember the days when time went by much slower. and i remember at times actually feeling bored. bored!!!! i know....hard to even imagine nowadays. im never bored. theres never enough time in the day. or week. or year! and i cant believe its already holiday time. didnt we just celebrate the new year? wow. was that really a whole year ago?

anyway...ive been busy. really busy. with lots of stuff. but i havent forgotten about you. i still have a lot to say. so ill be back.

3:49

i know; and always have known, that my brain works differently than many or most peoples brains. i know a lot of people wonder what the hell goes on in my mind; if anything at all. well...the problem isnt that my brain doesnt work. the problem is that my mind is always moving and going and thinking. i cant shut it off. its very creative and free thinking. and it can also be my worst enemy.

beware of soft, inanimate and dangerous objects

its 5:30 am. ive been up for...i dunno...an hour or so. im always up throughout the night. (thats why im always tired. and i always look like it too.)

my random late night/early morning insomnia is my "alone" time. i enjoy the house being quiet. but im usually interrupted soon after with a "mooooooooooom." "mooooooooooooom!" "MOOOOOOOOOOOM!"

yup....my kid calling for me from upstairs. (sprawled across my bed, of course.)

so just now i was lying on the sofa in the den.

just thinking.

"thinking", by the way...is a dangerous "activity" for me. (but good for my shrink and the pharmaceutical companies!) as another side note. i use the term "activity" loosely. "lori" and "active" rarely go hand in hand. anyway...where was i.

"moooooooooom. im coming down down!"

he pitter patters down the stairs and into the den.

"mom...i had a strange night"

"really? why was it strange?"

"a pillow hitted me"

"a pillow? it hit you?"

"yeah. it hitted me. and then it kicked me off the bed."

"wow! that is very strange, baby!"

"yeah. it was a reeeaaally strange night."

and then we cuddled on the couch, which is always nice.

3 1/2 seconds later.....

"mooooooooom"

"can i have milk?"

"can i watch tv?"

"can i go on the computer?"

"baby...its pitch black outside. go upstairs and bother your daddie. hell protect you from the dangerous pillows"

:)

sharing. back to the beginning.

i recently wrote a guest post for my friend missys blog. (check it out...shes hysterical.) anyway...it was fun, because she gets a lot of readers...unlike myself. and i got 12 comments! which is amazing, because i dont think i have a combination of 12 comments with all of my posts combined. anyway... im going to reprint it here. its sort of my ovarian cancer story in a neat and simple nutshell

.......................

a big hello to all of "melissas" readers!

ok...first of all....ive known "melissa" since junior high or high school.....and she was MISSY back then. and to me...she still is! yeah...we met when we were in a gym class together. i dont think you could have found two more people as "gym defective" as us. we haaaaaaaated gym! i cant believe i didnt fail. either way.....we made it thru. we even paired up to do a required aerobic routine. im sure we sucked, but im also fairly certain that we at least looked cute in our 80's leg warmers/leotard/headband gear. as another side note....i was the "good girl" to missys "bad girl", and i was the only friend that her parents liked her to go out with. they were smart. i was pretty goody-goody. (but for the record...i wasnt boring!)

anyway....i feel like a pseudo-celeb; in having the honor to be a guest on missys blog! and i wasnt a cordial guest either. i actually invited myself. but in all seriousness....im completely blown away by missys blog, and her writing skills. not only does she have the most perfect skin in the world, but shes got such a talent when it comes to expressing her thoughts. so yes...i really DO feel it is an honor to be here. i do have to admit..im kind of a "blog idiot". i have NO clue what missy is talking about with all of the politics, and small fish vs big fish bloggers, etc. all i know...is that i write...and i really dont care if anyone even reads it. except for this post. because what i have to say is important, and affects the same genre of people who read missys blog. so here it goes.

september is ovarian cancer awareness month. i have stage 4 ovarian cancer. and the reason why my story is important; is because in a lot of ways....imthe case of someone who isnt at risk for this, and at the same time; i absolutely am.

i was 36 when i was diagnosed. not the age when most people get ovarian cancer. i was also pregnant. and with all of the ultrasounds....cancer never showed up. after i had my beautiful baby boy....i knew something wrong. i felt a weird pressure low in my abdomen. and when i would breathe in...i felt a pressure in my ribs. i demanded urinary infection tests. i asked for a pap smear. i had an ultrasound. i was told, that basically i just had a baby, and of course i have pressures. but i knew. i cant tell you exactly how i knew...but i just did. i specifically remember saying to my mom, "i know they tell me this is normal...but im telling you.....something is wrong!" i dont blame my doctor. he did every test i asked for. his logic made sense. i did just have an 8 1/2 pound baby. it does take a toll on the body. he had no reason to suspect cancer. until the pap smear came back and it was positive. still...ovarian cancer wasnt a suspicion. statistics show that ovarian cancer doesnt show up on pap smears. its usually cervical which shows up on paps. its usually pre-cancerous, and its usually very treatable if caught early. i had a cat scan. it came back clear. everyone was a little baffled. there is a simple blood test called a ca-125. if its elevated, it could be a sign of cancer. normal is 35 and under. mine was 350. i went in for surgery, and they found cancer spread all over. i was debulked, with the majority of the cancer being in my diaphragm. that is what was causing the pressure when i breathed in deeply. needless to say...when i woke up from the very long surgery....i was in shock. my family was in shock. we were all devastated. and i had an 8 week old baby waiting for his mommie at home.

with all of the reasons to believe i wasnt a candidate for cancer, there was one really good reason why i was. heredity! i always knew my family background of cancer; as many of my relatives succumbed to the disease. my aunt was only 30 when she lost her fight with breast cancer. knowing this history, i was very proactive in my health care. i fought with doctors and health insurance companies to get mammograms starting at age 30. they didnt see the need for this until i was 40. instead of being praised for being aggressive with my desire to stay healthy; i was berated. i still insisted on it tho. and i point this out, because YOU should be your own advocate for YOUR health, and not rely on doctors and insurance companies alone. regardless of the fancy degrees...they DO NOT know everything! trust YOUR instincts! and please....dont even get me started on the insurance companies!!!!

i didnt know about this until after the after the whole ordeal; but there is a certain genetic mutation which puts a person at a higher risk of breast and/or ovarian cancer. its called the BRCA mutation. ashkenazi jews are especially at risk, tho i know many non-jews who have the gene too. this mutation puts women at risk of getting breast cancer by the age of 70; up to 87%, and the risk of ovarian cancer up to 44%. i tested positive for the BRCA1 mutation. we were so happy when my mother tested negative, as it affects women more than men. but it DOES affect men, and lo and behold....just a few months ago; my father was diagnosed with a rare cancer; most likely due to his BRCA1+ status. i do not suggest that everybody panic and run out to get genetic testing tomorrow...BUT...i DO want you to be AWARE of it and have knowledge about it. not to sound cliche...but knowledge truly IS power.

its 4 1/2 years later, and im still in treatment. ive been in some sort of treatment since the beginning; but i dont complain. medicine is changing DAILY. and because of my BRCA+ status, there are different drugs to use, and there are more on the way. im here! i still have a long road ahead of me, but i intend on continuing down that road. it hasnt always been easy. at the same time, ive been fortunate to be ale to live a normal life. my family is amazing. my husband is literally my anchor. my friends give me the utmost support. and my son, who is the absolute center of my whole being.... is now 4 1/2. i wasnt sure id be around to watch him crawl...let alone all of the joyous things we have since shared. of course its not enough. i have a lot more i need to experience with him!

i feel that it is my duty to educate women about this topic. therefore, i am including this info. please take the time to read it.

any friend of missy, is a friend of mine. therefore...i end this post by telling you, that as my "friend", i wish you all happiness, love and health!

.......................

*and then i posted all of the info on ovarian cancer, which is actually already posted here, just a couple of posts down. i had a lot of fun being a guest. i hope im invited back. oh wait...i invited myself. ok, missy. im gonna invite myself back one day. just a warning. :)

are you there g-d? its me, lori....

i know one day ill meet you.

i hope its not for a long time.

i dont plan on it being for a long time.

but when i do; i have a question for you.

"WHY"?

and i hope its not the same response i always give people when im asked that very same thing; which is, "why not"?

because i dont get it. i really dont.

and i try to make sense out of things.

but i cant.

i know that if i were you; id do things a lot differently.

so think about my question.

because you better have a good answer.

think about it

i recently had a conversation with one of my most favorite skeptics. my dad. i was talking about psychics, and how i believe in life after death....something which i have been fascinated with for as long as i can remember.

im a very open-minded person. being an open-minded person, also includes being open-minded to the fact that not everybody is open-minded. and i get that. i do! if someone believes in something, and it doesnt hurt anybody...then why not? if someone doesnt believe in something that i do believe in...what do i care? i dont! but its still fun to chat about stuff.

my dad is very straight forward. simple. realistic. what you see is what you get. me? not so much. im a libra. im an air sign. and most of the time...my head is stuck up there in the rose colored clouds. thats ok. i like it up there. but i totally understand and im very thankful that not everybody is like me. ugh....can you even imagine? a world full of loris? scary!

so...where am i going with all of this. well, i was thinking. (yup...sometimes i do that!) i completely understand why people are skeptical of an afterlife. after all...it is a weird concept. something many people cant really comprehend in the realm of the world, as we know it.

BUT....isnt it also kind of a weird, mind blowing concept of how we even got here in the first place? adam and eve? hatching from tadpoles and turning into frogs. or toads. or whatever. apes as our ancestors? whatever your belief....is fine with me. but we are here!

so, if you are a skeptic about life after death, but you do acknowledge that we are indeed here, on earth, right now....i have a question. is the afterlife any crazier of a concept than the concept of the creation of life? angels with wings? shiny lights and tunnels? frogs? adams rib? isnt it all kind of freaky?

what do you think? anyone? bueller? bueller? dad?

prison. the new bar scene

im always amazed to hear stories about how and where couples meet. ive heard some crazy stories. and im also amazed to see friends who are single, and regardless of actively trying to find a partner; just cant! and im talking about great, normal, intelligent people with so much to offer and so much love to give. so i find it ironic that these friends have such a difficult time finding their soulmate, when there are inmates incarcerated for life....who meet and marry people on "the outside." talk about geographically undesirable!

recently, susan atkins passed away in prison from cancer. she was involved in the manson murders and responsible for killing actress sharon tate and her friends. yeah...a bad seed anyway you look at it. but she got married while she was in prison. and you want to say, "well yeah....how intelligent can he be to want to marry someone serving a life sentence in prison for murder!?" well....apparently hes no dummy. he was an honor student at univ of california irvine. hes a lawyer. he went to harvard law school. not bad! and they were married for more than 20 years. thats longer than most marriages last. shes apparently no dummy either. what a great way to get free legal counsel!

then theres the menendez brothers. total dumbasses. but despite brutally murdering their parents, they were a hot commodity in the singles scene. both serving life sentences in prison...both managed to get married. while in prison. lyle married twice. i dont know anything about them, but the first one, (shown on the left), is really pretty! the marriage

lasted less than a year. wanna know why? he cheated on her! in jail!!!!! yup....she caught him corresponding with another pen pal. and then he married the other one! apparently shes a magazine editor. i suppose it takes some sort of brains to be a magazine editor. and then theres erik. he got married too. and shes also a cute girl. what i think is funny, is that she once said about erik, "hes always there for me." um yeah! hes in shackles. of course hes always there.... where the hell do you think hes going?

scott peterson. yeah...hes a hottie. but he killed his wife and unborn baby. despite that minor glitch...dozens of women wanted to marry him. while hes on death row! on one hand....why the hell would anyone want to marry a man, who is on death row? for killing their wife no less?! on the other hand, with scott behind bars, at least they know they are safe from suffering the same fate.

so to all of my single friends looking for their soulmate....

im sorry if i suggested social gatherings, art openings, libraries, bars or dating services. i should have told you to take up a pen pal.

time to play "the price is right"

how much do you think that it costs for one treatment of the chemo drug, doxil? yup...that little bottle pictured above.

(music playing in background while contestants write their answers down)

BUZZZZZZ.....time up!

so...whaddya think?

BEEEEEEP...YOURE WRONG!

granted; i have no idea what answer you wrote down. but im pretty sure that you still got it wrong.

heres the thing. im one of those totally lame people who pays a bill without checking out the total. i know....lame. dont tell my husband. or my dad, for that matter; cuz he sure didnt raise me to do things like that. (yes dad...i still remember the lobster i ordered at "market price" at gladstones in malibu. and yes....now i know to always ask what the "market price" is before i order it!)

so, you can imagine my surprise when my husband opened up our insurance bill, and informed me that blue cross was billed $40,000 for ONE treatment of doxil. (ive had 5 so far). and no...i didnt make a mistake and add to many zeros. jeez frickin louise! wtf? its an hour infusion of a liquid. and of course my life is worth waaaaay more than $40,000. BUT. it makes you wonder, huh?! what the fuck can actually be in there that would justify a $40,000 price tag? and then my mind wanders to all of the other things id rather spend 40 grand on.

other observations...

1- seriously....what is actually in that medicine? liquid gold? i cant imagine ANYTHING that could be in there that would actually cost that amount of money. i understand the concept of "mark up." (neiman marcus? fred segal? yeah...i get it.) there needs to be some sort of profit. but c'mon!

2- umm....could this be one of the reasons why our health system is just so fucked up? (intentional rhetorical question)

3- is this just one of the reasons why so many people cant afford health care?

4- am i reeeeeally supposed to believe the FDA and the drug companies have our best interest in mind?

5- for this price, does it clean your house? do your dishes? include some sort of "happy ending?"

6- for $40,000, shouldnt it just cure the damn cancer!? and oh yeah....world peace!?

41!

today is my birthday.

i baked a cake; and hayden decorated it for me

i loved seeing his face when he showed it to me

we made wishes

and blew the candles out together

he told me his wish...

"my wish is that im going to love you forever"

does it get any better than that?

even 4 year olds have bad mornings

my mother in law was having a conversation with hayden yesterday.

he says to her,

"im having a fucking morning"

my mother in law, trying to not laugh or make too big deal about it, says,

"really? what does that mean?"

he says,

"not so good!"

hell in a handbasket

yeah, yeah, yeah....i already know where im going. i just hope my handbasket is chanel or gucci, and large enough so i dont get too claustrophobic on the journey. oh...and maybe have A/C incase i get too hot.

im not religious. i wasnt brought up with religion, and i dont define myself by a religion. however, i DO believe in G-D. i do! i really, really do! i just dont think he or she is sitting in a synagogue on a saturday morning. so therefore, when i have to sit in synagogue.....im bored off my big, fat ass. i do not understand a single thing they are talking about. and for the most part....i really dont care. i have the attention span of an ant. and yesterday....the hour and a half i sat thru a service, i fidgeted and complained like  3 year old. actually....there were 3 year olds there. they did much better than i did. dont get me wrong....the bar mitzvah service for my friends son was very nice. he did a great job. im proud of his accomplishments. but the rest of it? ugh.

last year, i wrote my thoughts on the holiest of holy holidays.  its a holiday which is coming up again very soon, so im sure ill have more observations then. but in the meantime...im stuck in my thoughts from yesterday. after the bar mitzvah boy did his part, (which i diligently listened to, by the way), i was stuck with my random thoughts. i picked up the leaflet they hand out before the service. i notice a part that says something to the extent of "jewish law prohibits the use of cell phones in the synagogue." ummm...ok. really? i mean...even tho as tempted as i was, and i had to try with all my might to ignore the fact that my blackberry was only a few inches away from me...i would NEVER be that disrespectful and whip out the crackberry to check out perezhilton.com in the middle of a sermon. 

so...i turned to my husband and showed him the leaflet. (ya know...just incase he didnt know that it was inappropriate to use his cell phone.) and i said to him..."its against jewish law!" he looks at me with a blank stare, (as he so often does). i go on. "do you think that when moses was up on that mountain holding those 10 commandments, and after it stated 'thou shall not lie, thou shall not steal'..etc....it had a side note that said 'thou shall not use cell phones or text in synagogue?'" puhleease. of course we shouldnt use them...but please dont tell us its against some jewish law. and my thoughts just started going from there...

from my brain:

-weve been here 45 minutes already...isnt it over yet? 

-everybody in the crowd is talking to one another. the rabbis on the bimah are talking to each other. why the hell are we here? whats the point if nobody is paying attention?

-this song the cantor is singing, is never ending! every time the song seems like its the end....he keeps going on. and on. and on.

-i think the cantors voice is on the same pitch which is causing my head to explode.

-cant the same point get across with an abbreviated version of this song?

-i wonder if they sell tylenol here.

-its got to be over soon!

-whats that hanging from the ceiling?

-is the cantor ever gonna stop singing?

-ohhhh...its a microphone thats hanging from the ceiling!

-we could really do without that microphone.

-doesnt the cantor have to stop singing so he can breathe for a few seconds?

-my head is going to blow up. damn that microphone!

-wow...some people come to services because they actually like it! thats so weird.

-i wonder what this very long song is even about?

-its over now, right?

-guess not. it only seemed like the song was over. 

-im gonna try and pretend that im at an opera or a concert.

-i wonder if i could reach that hanging microphone and yank it down.

-everybody is still talking! and theyre not trying to be discreet about it. even the rabbis in front of the cantor are still yapping away! wouldnt it just make more sense to end this damn thing already and everybody could continue to chat more freely in a more fun and comfortable environment?

-ahhh! its over! finally!

-why is he starting to sing again? we get the point already.

-oh look! theyre passing out candy! we get to throw candy at people to wish them sweetness. i like this part!

-why throw the candy if you can eat it?

-good thing i got the red. my favorite flavor.

-yum.

-this guy is still singing!

-the candy obviously didnt help my throbbing head.

-instead of trying to reach the microphone to yank it down; maybe i can tie it around my neck.

-that was not a good thought. i shouldnt even think those things in a place of G-D.

-seriously G-D...i dont want to kill myself. im trying really hard to stay alive. but can you make this guy shut up?

-my prayers were answered! he shut up! and he didnt start singing again!

-its gonna be over!

-jeez...now the rabbi has to say something.

-yay! we get to throw the candy now!

-too bad i have no candy to throw.

-its the end!

-why is it that the jewish culture cant just end a conversation?

-this rabbi is talking so fast. is he speaking english or hebrew?

-i wonder if i can miss rosh hashanah services next week, since im doing something religious now?

-the rabbis and cantors are sooo much better at my temple!

-yay! the rabbi is done speaking. maybe it was japanese he was speaking?

-why do we have to end the service with another song?

-lets get the hell out of here and buy some tylenol!

see. i told you. i know where im going. the good thing is that ill know lots of people there.

september isnt only about my birthday

The color of ovarian cancer is teal.
Though it has been called the "silent cancer", it really isn't, being as there are a number of symptoms. many times, the symptoms are vague enough to be misdiagnosed, as there are MANY reasons why a woman can have any of these symptoms.

The following are the symptoms:
Bloating
Pelvic or abdominal pain
Difficulty eating or feeling full quickly
Urinary symptoms (urgency or frequency)

Additional symptoms may include fatigue, indigestion, back pain, pain with intercourse, constipation or diarrhea and menstrual irregularities, although these symptoms are found equally in women without the disease.

See your doctor, preferably a gynecologist, if you have these symptoms almost daily for more than a few weeks. Experts suggest a combination pelvic/rectal exam, a transvaginal ultrasound and a CA-125 blood test.

The Risks
Women OF ANY age are at risk
increasing age raises risk
personal or family history of breast, colon, or ovarian cancer
Never been pregnant or given birth

The Facts
Occurs in 1 in 69 women
Early detection improves survival rates
There is no test. A Pap smear ONLY detects cervical cancer.
Causes symptoms even in early stages

According to the American Cancer Society, 22,000 women will be diagnosed in the next year, and 15,000 of them will die. That statistic has not changed in 30 years since the American Cancer Society declared war on cancer.
This is why it is so very important to reach as many women as we can to educate them and make them aware of this deadly disease.

for more info: the website of the Ovarian Cancer National Alliance

www.ovariancancer.org

" 'A-G-L-E-T' we're tyin' the world together" (lyrics by phineas)

so, my 4 year old shows me the end
of his shoelace, and says to me,
"mommie...what is this called?"
i glance at it, and say,
"i dunno...a plastic end cap thingy?"
he looks at me, and says,
"no mommie, its called an 'aglet.'"

um...hmmm...huh?

yeah. well, my kid likes to make up goofy names for things. so i assume this is just another one of his goofy words. except hes mentioned this to me before in the past. and he looks at me intently, and says again, "mommie...its an aglet"

so, i get on my computer, and google it.
this is what i find:

ag-let (ag-lit)
noun
1-a metal tag or sheath at the end of a lace used for tying, as of a shoelace

so...im kind of shocked.
"how did you even know this?"
he replies, "phineas and ferb!"

the good news:
at least when i shove him in front of the tv, hes learning things.

the bad news:
when i shove myself in front of the tv, i can only tell you that the women on "the real housewives of atlanta" have "plastic thingies" on the end of their jimmy choos.

someone elses trash? MY treasure!

its pretty common to have dated many people before you finally get married. and when you live in a small"ish" town, people kind of get "recycled" several times over. i never had this problem. first of all...i never dated anyone in high school. (what can i say?...guys didnt dig me.) and then i moved out west for college. so, i didnt date anyone from my town. (well...maybe a few people here and there, but only when i was in town visiting my family. nothing really substantial). so, i dont have the issue of running into exes or past dates. and i guess the metal bars on a prison cell are also a good reason for not running into certain exes. (him on the inside...me on the outside. just incase you were wondering.)

my husband? like most people who continued to live here after high school, he has pretty much dated everyone. and its a standing joke with us now; because he has dated most of my friends, (and/or their sisters!) and i LOVE my friends. theyre great! so ive asked him why he didnt wind up with any of them. almost in a tone of me wanting him to have wound up with them. like.... "hunny....i just LOVE (so and so)....how come youre not with her?!" my humble and very modest husband always had the same reply. "its not that i didnt like them. they didnt like me! and most of them totally blew me off!" and he also proceeds to tell me that the reason why he dated me, is because i was the only one who liked him and would go out with him again. (however, i know for a fact, that is just NOT true!) plus....why the hell did he even want to go out with me? all i did was talk about how much i disliked lawyers! what can i say?...*it was at a time when i was dealing with really mean lawyers. and i never had to deal with lawyers in the past.
(*note: see the above example regarding prison bars)

anyway...i can see why he wasnt what most girls, (including myself), would go for. for one thing...hes NICE. and a GENTLEMAN. my hunny is the best thing ever. he makes me so happy, and i am grateful every day that i found him. i think i have the perfect catch. i LOVE him! i ADORE him! BUT, he was an acquired taste. i thought he was nice when i first met him. but i wasnt blown over with his presence. or his shoes. or his hair. or pretty much anything he was wearing. (but really...who was looking anyway?) also...add to the mix that i wasnt much interested in meeting anyone at the time.

so....now, my friends and i will talk about our past relationships and our marriages now. and they tell me how great it is that i have the most wonderful husband and how lucky i am; blah, blah, blah. but i cant help by sometimes adding, "well...if hes so great, how come YOU didnt want him?" (and of course im joking.....not everyone is on the same page at the same time, and a myriad other reasons why certain pairings dont work.) but they usually say things like, "i was so stupid back then"...or "i didnt know what i really wanted." and once again...of course i get it! ive done the same thing.

so...id like to say THANK YOU to all of my friends, (and their sisters), for allowing me to come in and swoop away my hunny from you! im tempted to sing in their face, while sticking my thumbs in my ear with my tongue out, "ha ha, ha ha-ha...i got him and yooooou diiiiiiidnt!" but i cant do that either, because my friends have snagged some pretty amazing spouses as well. and that makes me so happy. it makes me even happier that now we have the greatest 'couple friends' that we enjoy so much!

and by the way...unlike the title of this post...im not referring to my husband as trash! for the record...he is referred to as "the other asshole". (which of course...is an inside joke!) but it wouldnt really matter if it wasnt a joke; because he doesnt read my blog anyway!

hi! im lori. and you are....?

sometimes i hear thru the grapevine, that "so and so" reads my blog.  im usually surprised. "really?" ill say. "i didnt know they knew i even had a blog!" 

i also have a tracking system that shows where the readers come from. ive only looked at it a few times. but i was shocked when i did check it out. people from all over the world! sweden! finland! australia! bizarre. 

i know a lot of those countries came from my friend peters blog. peter is incredibly smart and his writings confuse the hell out of me. thankfully, his other blog includes some things i actually understand...and care about. (science?...not so interesting to me.)

so i assume that people who read his blog, (and can understand it), are intelligent people. what they think of my little blog? couldnt really tell ya!

anyway....

this is what i am asking you.

add a comment! 

its easy. even my mother can do it! she doesnt even know how to "cut and paste" in a document! you just click on "anonymous", and follow the prompts. if you want me to know your name...you need to write it on the comment. if not...im fine with that. i respect your privacy. or your involvement in the witness protection program. whatevs.

be sure to tell me: 

who you are

where you live

how you found my blog

why you read it

what you think about it

im just curious! so introduce yourself! ive introduced my self! and really...its only the polite thing to do! 

what married people talk about in restaurants

it all started with this picture:

me: "look hunny; we get boobs at this table!"

dan: "oh yeah! i like this place"

me: "and look...its pornographic. someone is groping her boob"

dan: "yeah! wow"

we order dinner.

then i study the picture a little bit longer.

me: "no...wait. nobody is grabbing her boob. its her own hand."

dan: "it is?"

me: "yeah. see how the arm is off the page? if you follow the arm around; you see that its her arm."

dan: "oh yeah." (pauses) "theyre nice boobs"

me: "well theyre  obviously fake!"

dan: (without skipping a beat) "oh they totally are!"

to a 4 year old; love is...concrete

driving mr hayden

(chauffeuring him to camp)

hayden: "mommie, do you love my daddie?"
me: "of course i love your daddie!"
hayden: "you do?"
me: "yes! i love him very much! we are very lucky, because we have a lot of love in our family"
hayden: (pause) "we have more than that, mommie."
me: "we do? what else do we have, baby?"
hayden: "we have a basement"*

?!?!?!?

*actual word used was 'basenint'. i keep telling him its a basement, but he insists that its a basenint. doesnt matter what its called.... apparently were just lucky to have one!

what a difference a catalog can make

i remember vividly the end of last winter. it was still cold out, but the thought of spring was already melting the ice. i had gone to get the mail from the mailbox. and there it was! confirmation!!! that, yes, indeed...spring was right around the corner. it was sitting there in all its glory. my hands couldnt wait to open it and touch all of the glossy pages. it was....

A CATALOG!

a SPRING catalog!

and even tho it certainly didnt feel like spring, i envisioned myself in a white sarongy, flowy thing..running on the beach. a deserted beach! my hair cascading in the wind. kind of like a woman in a vagisil or tampon ad. hayden and dan were behind me; decked out in matching spring sweaters. they were cable knit! they were cream colored! and they wore jeans rolled up with bare feet. willoughby was running in and out of the crashing waves; fetching sticks. it was sunrise. no, wait! maybe it was sunset. oh who cares? there was a sun involved!

ahhhhhh.

ok, back to reality.

i was outside freezing my ass off. and my fingers were too numb to breeze thru those glossy pages. and the scenario? although nice, the only thing "flowing" over the white "flowy" sarongy thing, would most likely be my flabby fat.

i dont really have any hair, so forget about the cascading part. unless of course you want to consider the 10 strands of hair on each side of my head.

i love the idea of dan and hayden so perfectly matched.

but in reality, dan would insist on wearing gym shoes.

with white tube socks.

and hayden? he would dress himself in one of his fine creations.

sweatpants, (of course)! maybe the green camouflage ones which are 2 sizes too small; and end about 4 inches above his ankles.

a t-shirt. probably dirty, and which again, is too small. like a cropped shirt, (a la britney, circa the 1990's).
lets complete the ensemble with his signature look...socks with sandals! and duh! he likes striped socks. 

pretty, right?!

and it doesnt end with the clothing visual.

willoughby? i love him. but hes a freak of a dog in desperate need of therapy. (just like his mother!) hed be scared of the waves. hed be shaking with fright. and hed be trying to run back to the car.

hayden would probably be torturing him and throwing sand.

id be trying to get the situation in control, but lose my patience, since i dont have much to begin with anyway. id get flustered and get all twisted up in my flowy sarong thing.

dan? dan would be mellow. and hed just laugh at me, saying, "hes only 4!" or "leave willoughby alone, hes just a dog! what do you expect?"

the sun? it wouldnt matter. because by the time i got my shit together...the sun would most likely be gone. and it would be dark. and id get anxiety about the dark and deserted beach. which is fine, because id start having panic attacks and want to leave anyway.

fast forward to today.
the mail. in the mailbox.

a CATALOG!
a FALL catalog!

the depression starts to hit and i immediately feel a chill in the air.

winter. snow. gray.

without a thought, i toss the catalog in the recycle bin.

hmmm.....

wait a minute.

i have a vision.

wouldnt it be so cute for all of us to wake up with matching pajamas and sip hot cocoa by the fireplace?!

Q: what do you get when you cross david spade with a hassidic jew?

A: ME!

_________________

here is a pic of david spade as "joe dirt". (a movie i never saw)

now; if you will, (or can), imagine this hairstyle, but not as long...(on top or on bottom). and not nearly as thick. kinda like a crew cut with 15 long strands of hair hanging from it.

(i know...its a pretty visual, right?)

_____________

...and just to add to the charm of the look...imagine that there are no long strands covering the back of the head, but only on the sides.

kind of like this...

______________

if you combine the two looks, along with a "sweep-over", you get....

yup! thats my hairstyle!

(im not sure i have the guts to post a pic of my hair without it swept back into a comb over. i might have to reconsider doing it tho...because its just too funny)

* a PC side note:

....this isnt a predjudice type of post against jews. or david spade for that matter.

for the record, i am jewish.

as for david spade, i think hes hysterical. but i didnt think that so much when i had an encounter with him in a restaurant in arizona in 1987. (any of my arizona friends remember flakey jakes?!)

anyway...weird story.

he was with a friend sitting at the table directly above me. he thought it was funny to casually keep throwing napkins down on our table. no big deal, but not so cute either. it was before he was well known. i only recognized him, because we had JUST gotten out of a movie, that he was in, before we went to that restaurant! it must have been his first, or one of his first movies. police academy 4. it sucked. cant criticze him tho. he was born in birmingham, michigan, (near where i live), and he went to ASU. a fellow sundevil! he was a business major. shocking.

i certainly wasnt!

who knew hed become so famous?

and who knew id be sporting his mullet hairstyle one day!

the penis. ooops...i mean the PIANIST!

ok...this is one of those stories that are just sooo much better if you were there. and unless you are my in-laws or have a kid in piano classes...then you werent. but im gonna tell it anyway.

on saturday mornings, hayden takes piano classes. his teacher is one of those really funny characters who is amazing with kids. he jokes a lot and really relates to these kids on their own level. he makes it fun! hell say, "ok kids, if you dont stand up straight, what is this called?" and as he holds up a wooden stick, the kids all yell, "knuckle whacker!" or if the kids arent singing clear and strong, hell say, "parents, if your child isnt singing...then pinch their backside!" the kids think its hysterical.

so...on this particular day, there were about 7 kids, all sitting at their pianos with their parent by their side. the teacher says, "okay kids....if you dont sing the notes strong, your parents are going to pinch your_____... and without missing a beat, hayden yells out, "PENIS!"

OMG! i was dying! the first 3 seconds there was complete silence. then the nervous giggling started. i was cracking up so hard, i was crying! the teacher put his head on the piano, and says, "well, thats not exactly what i had in mind". one kid says out loud, "you mean 'private parts!'" after i caught my breath and my composure, i said, "i swear, we dont do that at home!"
sooo sooo funny. and honestly...i realize its way funnier if you were there.

the best part, is that hayden just sat at his piano completely oblivious to the class' giggling. i love that! i never taught hayden that any body part is a "bad" word. i never made up kooky names for genitalia, and never gave him any indication that a penis was any different than his arm, leg or nose! too funny. he never really goes around talking about genitalia, or anything like that...so it was pretty unexpected. nevertheless....it was pretty damn funny!